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She is the Universe
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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She is the Universe |
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fishop Member
since 2002-09-13
Posts 79ohio |
She Is The Universe She is the universe, disguised as a child. Veiled behind profound mystery, illuminated by discovery. Adrift on a breeze of infinite possibilities, she navigates her destiny. Each course, each current, each hazard,but a fragment of a life long journey. She is pure ore, flowing within the forge of her mind. Transformed by the anvil of her vision. Wrought by the hammer of her will. She is a random and vibrant palette, impatiently thrust upon the canvas of her masterpiece. She is the architect of her future, the engineer of her past, and the reality of her dreams. She is the reflection of no one. She is the clarity of my existence. Tom Bishop |
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| © Copyright 2002 Tom Bishop - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
[This message has been edited by Radrook (09-29-2002 03:23 PM).] |
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lizzy-luv Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound |
Please don't see me as a very evil person for this note! I read your poem, and it was very very heavy on metaphor and imagery. It's virtually impossible to focus on that many images at a time. My brain, at least, is just too small. If you stuck to one or a few images/metaphors, this would be a much easier read. Your flow was nice, but I felt like I couldn't really grasp your meaning beacause of all the different pictures flying around in my head. If you revise, I'd love to see a second draft, though! 'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block) |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
sweet, sticky sweet. your redundant usae of she is gets annoying. the images are vivid but largely meaningless. they provide little insight save the first one. develop the character of this remarkable person through feelings not just pictures. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi Tom! Thanks for sharing your poetry with us. Below are my suggestions. She Is The Universe She is the universe[] disguised as a child. [Why a child? How?] Veiled behind profound mystery, illuminated by discovery. Adrift on a breeze of infinite possibilities, she navigates her destiny. Each course, each current, each hazard, but a fragment of a life long journey. [But aren't we all and don't we all?] She is pure ore, flowing within the forge of her mind. Transformed by the anvil of her vision. Wrought by the hammer of her will. [Nice metaphors! But again the question of uniqueness arises.] She is a random and vibrant palette, impatiently thrust upon the canvas of her masterpiece. She is the architect of her future, the engineer of her past, and the reality of her dreams. [Again, aren't we all? What makes her experience special?] She is the reflection of no one. She is the clarity of my existence. [How is she the clarity of your existence?] Tom Bishop [ well Tom, you have told us that you greatly admire this person. But not exactly why. If I were to tell you that my girlfriend is the clarity of my existence--you would ask me why. How is she the clarity of my existence? If I replied that she is the clarity because she is the universe hiding behind the appearance of a child--you would ask me to clarify. If I proceeded then to say that this is so because she is the architect of her own existence-you probably would give up and walk away. See the point?] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-15-2002 03:19 AM).] |
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