»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Humming Drumming Sound
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Humming Drumming Sound |
|
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
It always fooled them; Grooves in cotton fields of Georgia and Eldorado's Mocha, Cain's field of dreams; rhythmic soles held with irons wrought in hatred's fire, the bought holding the note to the buyer, their minds suckled upon the tits of Aunt Bertha- she could bust wood with the best of them. Hmmm... They dismissed it as darky down by the river, even as machetes and cutlasses were sharpened at the swamp by light of the moon; the wind whispered vengeance, tugging at the still forms of dreams bled dry. They recompense the house snitch with a frock, a hand me down. Hmmm... Edited Version- It always fooled them; Grooves in cotton fields of Georgia and Eldorado's Mocha. Cain's field of dreams, trodden by rhythmic soles held with irons wrought in hatred's fire; the bought holding the note to the buyer, their minds suckled upon the tits of Aunt Bertha- she could bust wood with the best of 'em. Hmmm... They dismissed it as darky down by the river, even as machetes were sharpened at the swamp by light of the moon. The wind whispered vengeance, tugging at the still forms of dreams bled dry. They recompense the house-snitch with a frock... a hand me down. Hmmm [This message has been edited by YeshuJah (09-27-2002 10:31 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 YeshuJah Ibsen Amadeus Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
You really surpassed yourself with this one my friend! I am very impressed by this skillfully created image of slavery and its inevitable rebellions. It always fooled them; Grooves in cotton fields of Georgia and Eldorado's Mocha, Cain's field of dreams; rhythmic soles held with irons wrought in hatred's fire, the bought holding the note to the buyer, their minds suckled upon the tits of Aunt Bertha- she could bust wood with the best of them. [The pronoun "them" momentarily seemed [at least to me] to be referring to Bertha's tits. It just caused me a slight hesitancy there. Nothing major. But that could just be me.] A very memorable poem! Thanks for sharing. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-27-2002 04:06 AM).] |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Guess I'm just in one of those moods tonight... beware, beware!  First, let me say that like Radrook, I enjoyed the poem. It's a departure from the norm, fairly well written, and uses some fairly clever images to put across a sense of otherworldliness that makes one think of swamps and danger and... My first suggestion would be to ditch the centering bit. That's just my personal aesthetic bit though... i think the presentation much clearer, the line breaks much more emphasized, if you justify the poem to the left. Second - semicolon;semicolon. LOL - Really, the first stanza might work better (thanks a lot Pete ) if you jiggle some of the punctuation around a bit - as is, it reads as one continuous sentence... and feels a bit clumsier than it might be otherwise. It always fooled them; I really like this semicolon here Grooves in cotton fields of Georgia and Eldorado's Mocha, Here, I'm seeing the two placed together in a list (Eldorado's Mocha, nice) Cain's field of dreams; Here's where I feel it starts to get confusing. You've already implied the closing of your list with the "and" between the two previous statements… if this line is in addition to them, there needs to be another "and," or no "and" before "Eldorado." The semicolon here also seems out of place. Perhaps what you intended was to use this as the beginning of a new sentence, in which case you would need a period after "Mocha." Still, I don't think this semicolon would work. Perhaps as a colon? That would allow the following lines to be a descriptive of this clever line. rhythmic soles held with irons wrought in hatred's fire, the bought holding the note to the buyer, their minds suckled upon the tits of Aunt Bertha- she could bust wood with the best of them. And losing it more here I think - I just read this as an incomplete sentence… which wouldn't be all bad, but I don't feel it fits with what I perceive as the attempt of this poem here. They're actually some very cool lines, bold, and solid. Oh, one minor nitpick - you might consider looking into the alliteration of the first line of this section… lot's of "s's" I think the second stanza is much better in this area, and I like it almost as much as the first. For some reason my mind wants to see a hyphen between house and snitch, but I think it's probably ok. Christopher [This message has been edited by Christopher (09-27-2002 06:28 AM).] |
||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Radrook- thank you for reading the poem. I am delighted that you find it memorable. I am struggling with the point you made concerning the use of the pronoun 'them' in the last line of the first stanza. I see what you mean and am thinking of someway to reword that patch. I appreciate your comments. |
||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Christopher- thanks for reading the poem and for taking time to critique. I agree with you regarding the 'left justification' of the poem and will post an edited version in that way. I also found your points about semicolons useful. I am terrible when it comes to punctuation usage. You are correct in that I wanted to begin another sentence at 'Cain's field of dreams' but I did not want to seperate the thought flow with a period. However, I now see the confusion it could cause and I have made that change in the edited version. Again, thank you. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Yesh, Thanks for leaving the original when you added the edited version. It really helps the reviewers when all the comments in the thread actually make sense. I do like the revised version better than the original. It reads easier and makes more sense to me. At first, house-snitch looked wrong with the hyuphen but when I try to take it out, I think maybve it is right after all. Nice job here. Thanks. Pete |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
awesome! i like it! and hey, no worries on the punctuation thing, lol - i'm terrible at it too! |
||
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Yesh, This poem is great! I like the revision much better. There is one small thing I would like to point out though and it might just be a me thing, but in the 2nd stanza/line 2, would it be better if you had the line break after soles? Other than that I think you did a wonderful job. caterina |
||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Thanks Pete, I think I might be getting the hang of this. I appreciate your reading the poem |
||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Christopher- kudos to you, your observations helped the work a great deal. I appreciate the time you took to help out. |
||
|
YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Caterina, glad you found the poem good enough to rate it great. After reading it again I agree that the line break should be where you suggested, I'll make that change. Thank you for reading the poem. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
