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As Long As We Get There
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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As Long As We Get There |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
This something borrowed something blue, Will bring me down in front of you; I'm promising to take you back, To something to look forward to. Starting, we contemplated ends, Street corners where our knees would bend; Praying to have our sins away, By Heaven's showers angels send. This back and forth is then and now, It'll add up in the end somehow. Tomorrow today, all the same A masterpiece if we're the frame. I mean, things do get out of hand; Here's the bottom line, what stands out most is a success not planned. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi syn, Tis' something borrowed, something blue, This bended knee in front of you And if you beckon, I'll come back to trusting like we used to do. Hmmm, bit of a nursery rhyme isn't it? I think this needs to be a bit more clever, especially the end rhymes. Synthetic? I'm new around these parts. How long have you been posting here?  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Turtle, as Mr. Obama said, you can’t imagine how much this means to me ( Mr. Obama was talking about his daughters ) Look at the upper left hand Conner of any post and you can find out how long someone has been posting here . Did we forget to welcome you on 1-23-09 ? ( This is a metaphor ) |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
WOW chops thanks. Quote: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Did we forget to welcome you on 1-23-09 ?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not a metaphor. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
You are welcome Turtle, it is a metaphor. “ Some people think of metaphors as nothing more than the sweet stuff of songs and poems--Love is a jewel, or a rose, or a butterfly. But in fact all of us speak and write and think in metaphors every day. They can't be avoided: metaphors are built right into our language.” |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hey chops, I like the quote, but I think you are slightly confusing what is a metaphor. For example "turtle" could be a metaphor for who I am, only if I mean it to represent something in my personal character, or situation. How is "(Did we forget to welcome you on 1-23-09 ?)" a metaphor? This might be an insinuation, but not nessarily a metaphor? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Turtle if you take it out of context : the parts of a DISCOURSE that surround a word or PASSAGE and can throw light on its meaning , it is not a metaphor, but WOW, in the contexts of my post it was a metaphor. But, if you don’t think its a metaphor, it’s not a metaphor. You ask that old question, ~what time does the two o’clock train leave.~ and I was having a little fun with it. What time does the two o’clock train leave, is a metaphor for how long have you been posting here . |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Ahhhhh! Yes of course, and you are correct, but..... If I know how to figure out how long someone has been posting here..... I was asking as an insinuation and not as a metaphor. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
" I was asking as an insinuation " And, that is perfectly legitimate and at the time I didn’t know that I didn’t know, and last week I didn’t even know that. |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
Hey Turtle, That stanza that you put down, were you looking to improve or clarify what I had originally written because I'm lost as to what your intention is. As for the nursery rhyme aspect, I don't believe it to be relevant to what I have written. But to be fair, what did you mean by "nursery rhyme" - the structure, the wording, the message, all of it, etc? Because I might be missing the boat completely. Oh and by the way, you both seem amused with your friendly metaphor feud... quite fun to read. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi syn, Quote: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That stanza that you put down, were you looking to improve or clarify what I had originally written ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes, I was trying to clarify it in my mind just to make sure I was seeing its potential/intention. and the rhythm seemed familar.... But to be truely honest I just don't see anything working here. I don't know how much time you spent on this poem......not much I hope. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do I write? I've been lately thinking of writing a poem about a poet wanna-be. Thinking of a clever way to tell the story and in my musings. I thought about a poet that went through life as always a would be poet. So I've desided to use a Wood Bee as a metaphor for a poet wanna-be and write a poem telling the story of a Wood Bee. In that story I'll relate the characteristics in the story, of a Wood Bee to a wanna-be poet. The first thing I'll want to do is read everything I can find out about a wanna-be. Its use, its definition its origins, and look for how these characterisics of a wanna-be are understood, Next I'll want to find out anything I can about a Wood Bee. What it looks like, its habitat, its behavior. I'll try to find ways to relate a story of a Wood Bee, to that of a wanna-be. Now. I'll take the information I gathered in my note pad and using that information, I'll set down and write a letter to chop's granny. In the letter I'll tell her the story of this Wood Bee. Once I have that letter organized and clarified. I'll break it down into double spaced complete thoughts......... At this point I am ready to start thinking about writing a poem. How do you write? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chops - syn is right. lets do our talking here: /pip/Forum28/HTML/002434.html |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Turtle, Milton Berle did one along that line : "I would rather be a 'could be' if I cannot be an 'are', because a 'could be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I would rather be a 'has been' than a 'might have been' by far, for a 'might have been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are'!" I found a version. Tell my granny about the wood bee and she’ll tell you about when the bee ask the butterfly for a date : The butterfly told the bee, no can do ,I’m the daughter of a monarch and you’re just a son of a bee . Well, I guess my work is finished here . |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
Hey Turtle, Let me explain the first stanza because you've completely missed my intention for it; also important to say is that the couple written about is experiencing really rough times, starting off on the wrong foot, failed plans, etc. This something borrowed something blue, (I'm using that reference to symbolize the couple's union) Will bring me down in front of you; (in this line, i'm saying that the union will tear him down right in front of her... but i do recognize the allusion to a proposal, so i play on that in the following line) I'm promising to take you back, (mistake in choice of wording, i should have used 'bring' as opposed to 'take') To something to look forward to (so he was promising to bring her back to a place where things were good and seemed as though they'd get better) As for nothing working out, I would have to disagree with that particular statement - Now that we've aired out the nursery rhyme aspect a bit, at least I hope you've shed the light onto the meaning you had attached to those words in regards to my sonnet, I can now share my own. I had a few things in mind going into the writing of this piece: 8 syllable lines; the story I envisioned; and finally my desire to keep it simple. Now the eight syllable lines work wonders for keeping it "simple", because the rhythmic flow of the sonnet comes across much like a nursery rhyme's would. And although love is made to be something quite complicated, I wanted to state that it's the contrary; hence the nursery rhyme feel and my final line: "Here's the bottom line, what stands out most is a success not planned" - to say just go along with the flow of things, and enjoy yourself. I must say that your feedback is nice to read, I only wish there was more from various others so I could compare. I mean it's one of those "one person has a problem, that's their opinion... a bunch of people have a problem, then there's actually a problem". I think I'm going to share your feedback with my other writer friends and see if they find great value in it. As for the way you write - very interesting. It's nice that you research your pieces, and present them as poetic essays if you will... it's something I might look to try down the road, definitely much different than what I do myself. Is it possible that we simply have a different eye for poetry? I mean putting aside the technical aspects that all poets are subject to. Now as for how I write... I don't research it, I have a dictionary handy, no music... and if it takes me more than an hour, it doesn't get completed. I have an issue with poetry that's been beat down over the head with all the technical tools and that's been thought out for ions - I feel as though it isn't sincere, so I stay away from it. I write from an emotion, and the fact of the matter is, if too much times goes by, as does the emotion and inspiration for the poem. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
...............What sonnet?  |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Here's an example of an aubade I wrote: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Must I go? (Aubade) Far rooster beckons graying dawn, But I could lay And linger earthly thoughts upon your nymphic sway. Your willful smile filled Irish eyes That tempt me stay this morn's arise, Has mingled with a sleepy yawn At turn of day. Your winsome moan begs my eclipse from light's awake. The tender brush of silken lips Keeps my forsake From duties that should not command My venture from your slender hand As playful little biting nips Beg I partake. 'tween satin sheets of warm regard your scents arouse, The cherish of this love's bombard These heartstrings house. Though I should waken to my choirs And find my pleasure out-of-doors, My motives fall like false canard to bosom vows. turtle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is how I would approach your poem. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I see one at the top of the page . It may not be about your Easter bonnet , but it is a sonnet. Turtle, I hope you are not insinuation again, cause I don’t think you should have it both ways. But maybe you are nuts . |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Chops,  /pip/Forum28/HTML/002434.html |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
Your question is out of place Turtle, this poem is a sonnet; 14 lines, the rhyme scheme isn't of Shakespearean or Italian origin... but modern sonnets have pushed the enveloppe and opened the doors to more diversity. You should read up on it. |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
Hey Chops, what did you think of my piece? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Hey Chops, what did you think of my piece? “ I don’t like love sonnets and yours was awful. Yes Grinch/Turtle I know, most sonnets are about love. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Oops |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
Chops... what didn't you like about the poem? |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Synthetic, you’re still speaking to us ? Let me kill three birds with this tired pecking finger : I love characters , if it wasn’t for characters, there would be no Chopsticks. ( Btw, he’s a real person ) About the screen name, how did you get it ? It seems that you are putting yourself down, but I thought~ Dumb Hill Billy~ was my middle name until I was nineteen and I wondered why my parents named me that. Now for the hard one, I guess I just don’t like a love sonnet : The first stanza is a little kinky . The second stanza is a little kinky . (Doing things on the street corner ) I kind of liked the third stanza . My idea for the last stanza : A masterpiece piece if we’re the frame. I mean things do get out of hand, ( I guess you are talking about the street corner thingy ) Even when success is planned ( I hope I gave this line eight syllables ) One good thing about all of this is, I learned how to spell ~sinthetic ~ Now, go read a book . |
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