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Another Dollar
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Another Dollar |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Night crawled and the curlew called, a melancholy whistle in the wind, which chilled both bone and the path home that bore me to tomorrow through the gate. Dawn broke and the fields awoke, merged ogres into hawthorns touching sky. The linnet turned as his world stirred his urge to preen and call out to a mate. Crows cawed as foxes pawed and weasel-like the stoats were warren bound. Grey geese grazed as the new sun blazed as heaven turned to hell that wouldn’t wait. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi Grinch, I like the surreal feel to this and how you use your metaphor. I'm having a couple of problems with the context (I think) In the first sentence: Night crawled and the curlew called, a melancholy whistle in the wind,which chilled both bone and the path home that bore me to tomorrow through the gate. I see a parethetical set "a melancholy whistle in the wind" this is not working for me. I should be able to remove this set from the sentence and the sentence should make perfect sense, without further punctuation, and I cannot. Night crawled and the curlew called which chilled both bone and the path home that bore me to tomorrow through the gate. This would require I put a comma after "called" in order for it to make sense. Also a parenthetical set should be an adjectival phrase that further defines the call. For instance: [Night crawled and the curlew's melancholy call, like a wistle in the wind, chilled both bone and the path home. I was borne to tomorrow through the gate.] Then: Dawn broke and the fields awoke, merged ogres into hawthorns touching sky. The linnet turned as his world stirred his urge to preen and call out to a mate. Perhaps "merging" instead of "merged"? Also: The linnet turned as his world stirred his urge to preen and call out to a mate Perhaps "and" instead of "an"? Next: Crows cawed as foxes pawed and weasel-like the stoats were warren bound. Grey geese grazed as the new sun blazed as heaven turned to hell that wouldn’t wait. This is a little clumsy. Hmmm... Perhaps: [As crows cawed, foxes pawed and the weasel-like stoats were warren bound] Also, if you removed the "as" after "grazed" and put a comma, it would be clearer. There's great imagery here Grinch, I like this. Turtle  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Grinch., I like your poem, I may have a lot more to learn, but I didn’t see a metaphor, with the possible exception of the last line and to me that wasn’t a metaphor. I did have to look up a few words, but other than that it was just “ Another day another dollar” I am not assigning anyone the assignment , but if someone points out a metaphor for me that means something that Grinch didn’t say in plan English, I’ll learn something. Not to rush take as much time as needed . I’m not fond of metaphor and I think they should be used sparingly and then only when they work. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Bad! Bad metaphor! down boy!.....lol Hey chops, How to identify a metaphor when it's being used: Lets look at the first strophe. Why is the curlews call melancoly (sad)? A curlew's call is a quick "Cur--Lew" not really melancoly to me. Nor is it a whistle. The last 2 lines of this strophe are a riddle which chilled both bone and the path home that bore me to tomorrow through the gate. "bore me to tomorrow through the gate."? Can you literally get to tomorrow by going through a gate? Or does he use "gate" to mean somethig else? This is clearly a metaphor: |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Thanks Turtle, If you are saying substituting ~ melancholy~ for ~Sad~ is a metaphor, then I use them all The time. I thought Grinch used melancholy to make the cut on his syllable count . Back to the drawing board. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Yeah, Kinda chops. I'm saying the definition of melancoly is "sad" |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: There are a few reasons I used that particular word but the syllable count wasn’t one of them. It might be easier to understand if you listen to the recording I found while writing it. http://www.birdlife.org/news/news/2008/12/sbc_launch.html It sounded like a melancholy whistle to me.  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Grinch, it sounded melancholy to me . It sure didn’t sound like a happy bird , it sounded very nervous and annoyed . Exactly like I am when I am melancholy , I could slap a preacher. If you had used ~ Sad ~, your count would have been way off. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hmmm... That is different than the one I listened to Yeah. that does sound melancoly. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Turtle, I bet the one you listen to was taking Prozac. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
No......lol He's probably not eating his veggies. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Grinch, it sounded melancholy to me “ I must confess and I will do some kind of penitence, but I have no idea what a melancholy bird sounds like . All I know is around here we plant corn when we hear the first whippoorwill. |
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