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Ems
Junior Member

since 2002-09-22

Posts 13
England

0 posted 2002-09-22 02:53 PM

I don't know what to think of this one, i wrote it a while back in an old english style of poetry. I don't know if it works well, but i know it needs improvement.

Memories

We saw each other
I know not when
A goodly length in times past
Then everything ended
So suddenly.
And I could no longer feed
Upon the shadow of perfection.
Doth not the essence of our love
Conquer all evil?
I think not!
As loves immortal flame
Was extinguished
By pure deception.
That truth
Uncovered by thine eyes.
That stars that sparkle
Lighting up the sky
Stolen
By uncertainty and confusion.
You lit up my world
But the moon replaced the sun.
Engulfed in darkness
Filled with empty nothingness
Torn to pieces with the hands of confusion.
Didst thou not perceive
The hurt that thou wouldst cause
With thine bitter, twisted lies?
Those irreversible words
Deep in my soul they shall remain.
For now you have gone
Leaving nothing but mere memories.

[This message has been edited by Ems (09-22-2002 03:12 PM).]

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2002-09-23 01:00 PM

Ems:

My main suggestion would be to concentrate on painting a word-picture for your readership. You describe many feelings, but you do not give the reader a clear picture of the person who is the object of those feelings. To you, the poem is quite likely very personal. To the reader, without being given more information, the poem reads very impersonally and, as a result, is less satisfying than it could be.

For example, what was the deception? What caused the confusion? What were the harmful words? What were some of the memories? The answers to all of these questions have the potential of making the poem much more interesting to the third-party reader.

Thanks for posting.

Jim

caterina
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 188
Canada

2 posted 2002-09-23 08:41 PM

Hi ems,

Welcome to PIPS... nice to meet you.

Firstly, I think you have to get rid of all the thy, thines and didsts--  it is archaic and doesn't fit in with todays poetry. Also, the reader needs something to grasp onto like some images, show don't tell.  This is quite abstract

ok, the 1st 5 lines you don't really need at all and if I were to pick out the sections that I feel have something to say, it would be as follows:

I could no longer feed
on the shadow of perfection,
loves immortal flame
was extinquished,
deception,
stars that sparkle
stolen.
You lit my world
but the moon replaced the sun
with bitter twisted lies
that will remain as memories.

These are the lines that stand out the most for me, it may be otherwise for someone else.  But this is something to work with for now.

Hope this helped a little bit and keep at it, read and write lots of poetry.  I am constantly learning something new every day with the help of all the great crits that I receive here.

Thanks for sharing.

caterina

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