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synthetic
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 70
ontario, canada

0 posted 2009-01-29 03:54 AM

It’s funny how we don’t face the truth until our back is turned;
Ready our feet to cross the rift until the bridge is burnt.
And all the questions, add up to all the answers never given;
And all we wish to wash away has built up too high to where the tide hasn’t risen.

The history I care to tell is riddled with our dates;
Our places, the pictures of our faces, our beginnings and gates.
And all is forgotten, so we can remember and live it again;
And all is done backwards just to say we made it to the end.

Friend or foe I need to keep you ever so close;
So I can model my floor art after you if ever it snows.
And all that I ever wanted was to come home to you;
And all is lost because I haven’t found that place in time.

I have definitely struck out considering how much I’ve missed you;
I have definitely struck out considering everything since you.
And all that has been said and done is just that;
And all it means is that to me you are perfect.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

1 posted 2009-01-29 12:48 PM

Hi synthetic,

I guess, if this is intended as prose, it's fine There are a few lines I like, S1L1, S1L3 and S2L4. To be a good free verse poem though, I suspect this would need some trimming.

Turtle

synthetic
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 70
ontario, canada

2 posted 2009-01-30 08:52 PM

Hey Turtle,

in regards to the trimming of the lines; was that more because you felt as though the flow was off, or was there more to it than that? On from that point, I'm happy you enjoyed those other lines - it's good to know they don't go unnoticed.

Take care

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 2009-01-31 12:08 PM

There is no rhythmic flow, synthetic, so I also assume it must be free verse.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

4 posted 2009-01-31 11:47 AM

Hi synthetic,

Like Balladeer, if I don't see a structure, then I have to assume this is free verse or prose verse.

As far as reasons for trimming. This particular poem is TOO wordy. You are telling your reader what you want him to think and believe.
If you trimmed this down it could allow your readers to reach their own conclusions. Here is what I mean:

"Don’t face the truth until your back is turned;
feet cross the rift until the bridge is burnt.
Questions seek the answers never spoken,
unless they wash away where the tide has risen."

Turtle

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

5 posted 2009-01-31 12:35 PM

Hi Synthetic, I think maybe you were writing rhyme poetry, but I think we need to know before we can

critique the poem. Was it rhyme or free verse ?

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

6 posted 2009-02-01 10:02 AM

Hi Synthetic I have to say this :
You are either writing free verse or rhyme. If you are writing free verse, I can’t help you .
If you are writing rhyme, you got two chances you will get a structured expert or an art expert. If you get a
structured expert, I can’t help you . If you get an art expert , you got two chances . You will get someone who knows what they are doing or you will get me. If you get someone that knows what they are doing , I can’t help you. If you get me , you have two chances . I will refer you to Turtle or Ocean ?

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (02-01-2009 12:19 PM).]

synthetic
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 70
ontario, canada

7 posted 2009-02-03 03:06 AM

Haha, you guys are champs - I came back for some help on improving and I get it right out of the gate!

In regards to this poem, I was writing rhyme poetry; however, I do agree that any existence of rhythmic flow is absent. I also agree that it is quite telling, and does not leave much to the reader in regards to imaginative space - but that I did purposely.

What I was ultimately attempting to achieve is a piece where my sentiments (as the author) are in plain view, and after having contemplated them, the reader can then move on to their own personal thoughts - carrying with them the light I might have shed onto this particular scenario through my own experience.

If you know of any better ways I could achieve that, I'll gladly appreciate the advice.

p.s. I agree - very wordy... reading it over now, it seems a touch awkward.

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