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turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

0 posted 2009-01-23 03:17 PM

Geppetto's Dream

Geppetto drifted at the hearth
To hopes beyond redeem,
And in the flicker's licking light
Were heaped his stifled dreams.

Long cherished days of innocence
Lay whittled bare with time.
If only he could now regain
A youth once held sublime.

Geppetto stroked the wide-eye brow
Of little Figaro.
When, in a simple cat-stretch yawn,
A spark began to grow.

Perhaps, he mused, you'd dance a jig
With strings tied to your paws,
And I could lift this emptiness
With puppet show applause.

What fun, my friend, to fill this shop
With strains of giggled joy?
I think I'll buy a block of pine
And carve myself a boy.

turtle

[This message has been edited by turtle (01-24-2009 08:45 PM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

1 posted 2009-01-24 01:35 PM

Hi Turtle, I won’t say your poem is good, as that is basically irrelevant ; But I will say it’s not bad .

I think you missed the perfect rhyme a couple times, that is if you were trying for rhyme.

Btw, there is a brilliant poem on here about a puppet ( By Balladeer ) I don’t know how to find it and I don’t even remember the forum it’s in .

Now I remember the name " The dummy "

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

2 posted 2009-01-27 05:40 PM

/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=53&topic=000628

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

3 posted 2009-01-28 12:05 PM

Thank you both for posting and the link. Although a lovely poem by balladeer, its message is different from this post.

Turtle

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

4 posted 2009-01-28 12:23 PM

I think it's excellent, turtle. You certainly do know your meter. If I had any complaint, it would be this..

There are deadly words in rhyming poems, words that make the skin crawl and hairs on the arm stand up, words that have been so overused because the poets is searching for a forced rhyme. SUBLIME heads that list with STRIFE coming in a close second. They take away from the quality of the poem.

The poem itself is excellent...good story, good message and great construction

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2009-02-09 05:52 PM

Turtle...

I had to go searching to find your first post, and I'm glad I did...

I wishyou had first posted this in Open
because Critical Analysis won't let me
send you a very special greeting!

But, welcome to Passions!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

6 posted 2009-02-09 10:14 PM

Thanks Sunshine,

I started posting on these online blogs several years ago, and I stopped posting several years ago.
Since then, I've written a few poems that I wanted critiqued. Plus I am trying to gather and organize
my work. As I'm going through it making changes and repairs, I like to throw them out here for
some feedback. I welcome the welcome. I think this is a friendly, laid-back site and hope
I can stick, for awhile anyway.

BTW....This "the family" thing.......Is the mafia funding this site?