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Critical Analysis #2

Quantum Vibes

YeshuJah
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 65
FL USA

0 posted 2002-09-18 02:56 PM

You are-
a beam of light lit
by feats of the gods heralded
through eons of hypnotic stairs ascended
upon moonlit hypnosis woven
by magical palms beached-

your aura extends-
across deserts of times,
along routes of silk
traded for forgetfulness
on paths trodden at winter's solstice.

your movement is a thirst not quenched-
fanned by whispers from the depths
of nights long ago, by lovers entwined
in seismic ecstasy now present in your stride

your stare is like warm milk poured
upon dreams oft' dreamt;
in fields of desires never spent.

your's is a portrait forever spread to baffle,
inspire and intrigue-
in single glances flipped switch like
whose after burns in the awe
of sweet happenstance

Radrook
Senior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 648

1 posted 2002-09-20 09:59 PM

[This is a genuine work of art!
The poem is very enjoyable reading due to its vivid use of visual imagery which kept me spellbound throughout. I especially enjoyed the historical settings of "Silk Road." Since this poem is written in the surrealistic mode, I do realize that there is great flexibility allowed here in use of imagery.]

Here are some suggestions:

You are-
a beam of light lit
by feats of the gods heralded
through eons of hypnotic stairs ascended
upon moonlit hypnosis woven
by magical palms beached-

[I had difficulty imagining palm trees beached and weaving a moonlit hypnosis. Then I tried to understand it as imprints of palms on beach sand. But that interpretation left me with the difficulty of tying it into context.]

Your aura extends-across deserts of times....
along routes of silk
traded for forgetfulness
on paths trodden at winter's solstice.

[Cool! How very often are the physical charms of women soothing to the soul's need of forgeting life's cares and worries! This has always been so as your referece to the ancient Silk Road points out.]

Your movement is a thirst not quenched-

[How about: "Your movements are"?
If restricted to one movement, then which is it? The use of "movements" takes care of that quandary by giving more choice and being less specific. However, if by movement is meant constant travel, then another word needs be chosen.]

fanned by whispers from the depths
of nights long ago, by lovers entwined
in seismic ecstasy now present in your stride

[Absolutely beautiful! She is the essence of her past experiences and these are in turn reflected in all her demeanor.]

Your stare is like warm milk poured
upon dreams oft' dreamt;
in fields of desires never spent.

[How about: "Your gaze"?
Staring has negative connotations of unwarranted criticisms. People usually resent a stare. The word "gaze" has romantic overtones. So if it is romanticism you wish here, I suggest "gaze" instead.]

Your's is a portrait forever spread to baffle,
inspire and intrigue-

[This epitomized the poem's function perfectly! No apostrophe is needed for the possessive pronoun "Yours"]

in single glances flipped switch like
whose after burns in the awe
of sweet happenstance.

[The phrase: "whose after burns" initially brought military plane afterburner images to my mind. Then I understood after" as a time in which awe is felt. Then the questions: How can a stare feel awe? Whose stare? Then upon further contemplation, the full meaning came through: The moment, "the after" burns in the mind of the one who is the beneficiary of the gaze. Perhaps a slight rephrasing is needed here."

The phrase, "flipped swithch-like" seems out of sync with the rest of the poem's beautifully conveyed mood and imagery.]

[This message has been edited by Radrook (09-22-2002 12:29 AM).]

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