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edgedog
New Member

since 2002-01-30

Posts 2
OK, USA

0 posted 2002-01-30 01:22 AM

I awoke to the clattering window panes
as thunder broke on the steepled house.
Ten times tempted, I finally found the courage
to leave my bed & run into my parents
where the storm could be heard only as
seashells' whisperings
lulling you to sleep with happy beach days
spent in the sun, running through waves
crashing & breaking on my already fun-bruised body -
foamy water lifting sand/sifting sand into my shorts
and I, drifting away on the warm water...
drifting awake to the warm wet sheets
and the storm much louder than before.

This is my first posting here... I'm not exactly sure which direction to go with this piece.I just liked the idea it conveys although it's not very poetic.Any suggestions would be appreciated.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-02-03 09:29 PM

This is really dark. I like the direction you're going with it. I think you could push this a little further. Tell us how much louder the storm is... tell us how the speaker feels about the clamor. Give us some insight besides the general plot- let us in the child's head.

Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-02-04 10:35 AM

Hi Edgedog,

I guess I'm a little slow in getting here but I want to welcome you to the forum. It's always fun to hear a new voice and I also like your location

check your email too.

Thanks,
Pete

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

3 posted 2002-02-05 11:45 AM

I awoke to the clattering window panes
as thunder broke on the steepled house.
Ten times tempted, I finally found the courage
to leave my bed & run into my parents run into your parents, what? Do you mean that you actually ran into your parents?
where the storm could be heard only as
seashells' whisperings
lulling "whisperings lulling" is a continuation of a sentence, it needs to be revised, if not, then lullings should be captitalized after placing a period after "whisperings." you to sleep with happy beach days
spent in the sun, running through waves
crashing & breaking on my already fun-bruised body -
foamy water lifting sand/ "/" ?sifting sand into my shorts
and I, drifting away on the warm water...
drifting awake to the warm wet sheets
and the storm much louder than before.
[b]
I enjoyed reading this poem, however it does need some re-tooling.

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