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Thematic
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Thematic |
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wes New Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 6San Clemente, CA |
and its like momentum water drooling from my head and down a hillside cheek not chosen to one path but taoist in the essence that it is responsive to every hair rain comes and is then cool in a strangers house windows open, curtains floating a first parting of lips two cups of tea a simple goodbye in hopes for an anxious hello sun comes and is then warm in a lawn chair grass growing, breeze is slow a first meeting of lips two glasses of lemonade thoughts of the other to hold for the 'morrow light dims and is then moist in a hotel room flowers wilting, air is stale a first glimmer of annoyance two buckets of melting ice-water a night spent together to wake up alone and its like a brick wall tears falling out my eyes puddling in a bowl hands not contained forever but buddhist in the essence that they are alone but still together -r [This message has been edited by wes (09-18-2002 06:41 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Wes Bob Rivers - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Wes: I enjoyed the poem. I like how you tied the two "and its like" lines together ... "and its like momentum" ... "and its like a brick wall". quote: I like the descript of crying, but am not particulary fond of your choice of the word "drooling". Perhaps you had a reason for choising the word that I am just not seeing at the moment, but I think another word would work better with the stanza. I think you did a fine job describing the anxiety associated with a newly forming relationship in the following three stanzas. You build tension in the poem well. But I especially liked: quote: Strong images that delivered the meaning square on. Very nice first offering, Wes. Hope to read more from you soon. Jim |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
The poem is good. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-18-2002 02:11 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I have absolutely no criticism to offer. I loved this poem from beginning to end. (Now, I've been bitched at for being too rude in my critiques, and too... well... critical... so... I'm pretty hard to please.) I like the word drooling. I think it fits well here... kind of an unintentional thing, like when you fall alseep in school and wake up, emberrassed at the puddle? Or, more of a vulgar sloppiness, as Ani DiFranco says of being covered in graffitti: 'made ugly by the drooling letters' and she emphasizes drooling... it's a momentum, like you said... anyway, real cool... Did you edit the 'taoist' and 'buddhist'? I read this earlier, but I don't remember noting the capitalization... anyway, I'm not familiar with Taoism (but may look it up to better understand this poem) but, from my understanding of Buddhism, isn't there an emphasis on one's connectedness with the world, and a sense that the 'I' is not as important, but to get away from the ego-centric point of view and concentrate, rather, on the relationships within the world, and the role the self plays? I mean, from the point of view, a lower case 'buddhist' makes perfect sense to me... Anyway, I enjoyed not only the imagery here, but the way you phrase things- just different enough to catch the reader, and get ya to think about why the phrasing is off just that wee bit... like: 'but Taoist in the essence that it is' and 'but Buddhist in the essence that they are' In the essence? usually, I hear 'in the sense,' but... considering the transcendent nature of spirituality, essense makes more sense than sense... because it's not necessarily something that is sensed, but rather felt... and people who are spiritual often 'just know' that what they believe is the truth... and see, the beautiful thing is, that's not even what the poem's about- it's just a little fine print to add depth and layers of meaning... so cool, and by the way, I loved the repetition here, too... 'a simple goodbye in hopes for an anxious hello' Normally, I have heard 'in hopes of,' but 'in hopes for' is just so great because it has an active connotation... like... replace 'in' with a subject: 'Jan hopes for'- this is an action... 'hopes of' is so much more passive, but you put the subject of the poem right in the middle of the action here... Ah, I could gush longer, but suffice it to say, I absolutely adore this poem. Oh, right, on more thing- the title is absolutely perfect... Hope I've helped, oh, and, welcome to the CA forum. THE ONLY WAR THAT MATTERS IS THE WAR AGAINST THE IMAGINATION ALL OTHER WARS ARE SUBSUMED IN IT -Diane Di Prima [This message has been edited by hush (09-17-2002 08:38 PM).] |
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wes New Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 6San Clemente, CA |
First, Thanks very much to the three of you. Yes, I did change the capitalistic stance of 'Taoist' and 'Buddhist', but now that you have broken down this relation for me, hush, it does seem to have more essence when it is undone. Never before has my work been given such literary worth, and it is encouraging to receive it now, in the current slump of hand. But as I'm sure you all already know, it is the way of these things. Thank you hush, for the welcome as well as the read. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Wes, I can't say that I am a fan of poetry with no capitalization or punctuation but that is JMHO. In this case though, by capitalizing taoist and buddhist they seem to stand out more than you probably wanted. I think you would be better to stay consistent. Either use it properly or not at all. Pete |
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