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Critical Analysis #2
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St. Martinsville
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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St. Martinsville |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
The spider spun its web with inborn care, Woven like a never-ending story By an ageless storyteller, memory And life cradled by the thick branches. There She stood alone beneath the ancient oak, Evangeline reborn, and reached through time To touch the one who reached for her through rhyme. Like a bridge, the living Bayou spoke. The old cedar's fern-like leaves filled the air With an older song of love and loss. A soft breeze whispered through the Spanish moss, And ethereal fingers gently combed her hair. "Patience," sighed the oak to ease her sorrow, To which the wistful cedar sang, "Tomorrow." |
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| © Copyright 2008 Gabe - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Spun doesn’t sound right in L1 - try span |
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MOCindy Member
since 2008-07-30
Posts 73 |
Dear Gabe, I like your poem. I think that this can be re-write to a beautiful Sonnet. (Am I right, Sir Essorant? ) C |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm not very good at technical critique, but I did want to pop in to say that you captured the mystical quality of a place that has an essence that is elusive of definition. Okay. Yep. I'm intrigued. spun? I dunno, span? I think of twin spans.  spins? Hmmm...I don't think that a mixture of tenses would hurt anything--but again, I'm hardly a technical expert.It's a lovely poem. Hauntingly so. And yes, I'm wondering if I know you... *chuckle* |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Yeah, I agree with Karen ... This is very Tolkienesque. Stephen |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
MOCindy, I think it is already a fair Sonnet. Grinch is right about the word span. The a-forms (span, began, rang, drank, swank etc) are correctly the past tense, the u-forms (spun, begun, rung, drunk(en), swunk(en)) the passive participle. The only other critical thing I would mention is the shift of the meter to left syllables in these lines: Woven like a never-ending story By an ageless storyteller, memory Like a bridge, the living Bayou spoke. The old cedar's fern-like leaves filled the air With an older song of love and loss. Was that intentional? |
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Gabe Junior Member
since 2008-08-05
Posts 17 |
Grinch, I will think about "span." You are probably right. "Spun" in my neck of the woods is used as a past tense form of "spin" but that doesn't mean it is right. Thank you. Cindy, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm very out of practice and a sonnet seemed like the right form for a bean counter like me to get back into the habit of writing. Serenity Blaze, Are you from Louisiana? I was there on business not too long ago and took a detour for pleasure to go to a crawfish festival. St. Martinsville was closeby and I remembered there being a Longfellow museum there, so I stopped by the park in St. Martinsville to see the Evangeline oak. Louisiana is a beautiful state. I developed a taste for the food while I was there too.  Stephanos, I wasn't thinking of Tolkien when I wrote the sonnet but I can see what you are saying. I'm not quite ready to begin writing in dactyls yet, but the poem was inspired partially by Longfellow's "Evangeline." Thank you for reading. Essorant, quote: Thank you for replying. By the others' comments, I assume you are the resident sonnetteer? To answer your questions, the first two lines you quoted were probably written that way due to my being out of practice. I agree with Cindy that portions of this sonnet could use a re-write. I truncated the first foot in the third line you quoted ("Like a bridge ...) on purpose. I liked how the "old cedar" line sounded to my ear so I left it how it hit the page. The last line you quoted should probably be re-worked. Thank you all for reading and commenting. G |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Gabe, I like your poem and I like Longfellow ok , but I don’t care for Evangeline. I think you are a thinking man’s poet that could sup with Brad , Balladeer, and Essorant anytime. I remember when JFK had his first cabinet meeting and said,, “ Gentlemen this is the biggest gathering off brains that was ever in this room , with the possible exception of when Jefferson dined alone “ |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Dear Gabe, This is well done. It flows. BJ |
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