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Another chance encounter
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Another chance encounter |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
{Alright guys, I haven't written anything in a long time, haven't posted here in forever. I started writing this one, and had to stop before finishing. I found it hard to write using simple words. I'd really like any input you can give, I plan to show it to him eventually, and I want it to be perfect. This was really hard to write.} "Another chance encounter" I was happy, so was he So were you, and so was she You were just another face and everything was good But when I really saw you I was frozen where I stood Your lips seemed so familiar Your smile summoned mine Your voice became addicting And your eyes were just divine You then transformed From a blocked off street To my yellow brick road Heading home so sweet Into your perfectly crafted arms Fit to just my size I leaped, and let you hold me Hoping never to have to rise And so began my next adventure Starting something new You told me that i'm not alone Scared, I give myself to you Now hold on tight darling This may get wild It's not a roller coaster But it's a newborn child Delicate, pure, in need of attention Ready to grow with the aid of two You and me, together will try To make it all the way through This, my dear, is love. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Tyrostar: I think this poem has a bit of a ways to go to achieve perfection, but then, most poems do. A simple meaning of “perfect” is “an instance of excellence.” I’m not sure that this is what the poem is trying to achieve. I think it is trying to achieve some heartfelt, relevant response to a new lover, always terribly hard to write. There seems to be a specific “him” involved in the poem, which, per the preface, takes the poem out of the realm of generalization and into something concrete, the gist of which is “Hey, I think I love you,” or “This could be the start of something good.” The sentiments expressed are those found in thousands upon thousands of pop songs, none of which require other than simple words to make a point. Not that writing simply or clearly is particularly easy. It is either spectacularly hard or effortless. The poem reflects the “hard” part. “Effortlessness” is the occasional drop of dew that sparks “perfection.” It can’t be summoned up at will. It happens, or it doesn’t, particularly in the short form of a poem, or the long form which produced e=mc2. There also seems to be a disingenuous awkwardness to the whole poem, beginning with the title: "Another chance encounter" I don’t think so. If this were merely another chance encounter, why would the poem delve into it so deeply? If it is meant to be an ironic title, it misses the mark. What the poems says is “God, I hope this isn’t just another chance encounter.” “I was happy, so was he So were you, and so was she” OK, so the characters in the poem were already in relationships with others. Nothing in the rest of the poems alludes to this significance. In fact, the implications are completely ignored. Nothing wrong with working with this situation, except the poem doesn’t. They are lines that seem to have jump started the process, but part of the process for this poem would seem to be dropping these lines. The poem, with some meandering, seems to start here: “You were just another face” The line: “and everything was good” defies both internal logic and development of the piece. What the character is saying is that “I wasn’t looking for anything new, and I don’t think you were either. Actually, you can just say that. “But when I really saw you I was frozen where I stood” An all but universal experience, the awakening to “another.” The problem is that the execution is inept. One might look to the tense in “I WAS frozen…” The character is in the present throughout. She froze. What’s happening is the poem is getting caught up in some odd need to add syllables and force rhyme. “Your lips seemed so familiar” Well, lips pretty much looks like lips. Is there some unexpressed specificity, an adjective, perhaps, that more strongly expresses what seem familiar? “Your smile summoned mine” Funny how that happens, but still delightful. “Your voice became addicting” I think the meaning is “addictive.” The tense use of “became” implies something happening over time, which is fine, though it pulls one away from the sense of “froze” or “frozen.” What would happen if the poem tried to have it one way or the other, growth or spontaneous combustion? “And your eyes were just divine” This is either trite, lazy, or both. “You then transformed From a blocked off street” No, the male character does not transform at all. He is still exactly who he is. The female character transforms, moving from a realm of taboo to a realm of possibility, and still not dealing with potential consequence. Which is fine too. “To my yellow brick road Heading home so sweet” The imagery in this stanza is almost silly. There is not only no resonating emotional sense to it, there is not much logic either. Poems don’t have to be logical. That’s not the problem. There is still some point to a poem saying what it is saying. “Into your perfectly crafted arms Fit to just my size” This is the female character’s assertion, cries out for a modifier such as “seems,” or “to me.” “I leaped, and let you hold me” Ah. An action! Out of the speculative realm and into the real! Unfortunately followed by a physical improbability, unless the female character knocked her lover over in her leaping “Hoping never to have to rise.” Which is not a bad thought, just a little out of place. So, one could do the same sort of thing with the rest of the lines, but enough is enough. If the nature of the critique isn’t clear by now, it won’t get clearer through further elaboration, except, “This, my dear, is love.” No, it isn’t. It’s lust with possibilities. And there is nothing wrong with that. In a way, this is a joyous expression of engagement. There may be another way to go about it, though. Can truth be combined with romance? On the other hand, it may be a perfect poem for the occasion. Best, Jimbeaux  |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
misposted. |
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