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A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

0 posted 2008-03-13 07:47 PM

I hate you, yet I love you so.
A garden planted lovingly, but never grows.
A gash within the clouds that promises a kiss
of blue behind it's dark and angry countenance.
Oil approaching a lush and wildly pristine shore.
Insanely bored, but safe behind a bolted door.
A constant climate, sheltered underneath a dome.
Having money, but never having any home.
A tease of spring that's followed by a foot of snow.
I love you, yet I hate you so.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

1 posted 2008-03-14 11:15 AM

“ I hate you, yet I love you so.”

Hi Grace, that is an oxymoron we all use a lot.

My favorite is, “ I love you, but I don’t like you “

Each line of your poem was a well thought out slice of life.

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

2 posted 2008-03-15 01:56 PM

Chopsticks-

Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it!

A.

RCat
Member

since 2008-02-16

Posts 70

3 posted 2008-03-15 03:53 PM

I think you have some cool images here that are kind of “blocked” as written now. Here’s a quick trim with some edits and different line breaks. This feels more alive to me...

I hate you. A garden planted
but never grows. A gash
promises a kiss of blue
behind dark countenance.
Oil approaches a lush, wild shore. Bored

but safe behind a bolted door. A constant
climate, a sheltered dome. With money
but not a home. A tease of spring
followed by a foot of snow.
Yet, I love you so.

<<>>

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

4 posted 2008-03-15 10:05 PM

I thought this was very adept at expressing the frustration and determination of loving the promise of something, so teasingly out of reach, and stubbornly resisting our control.

I don't know that I'd use the same presentation, but it's written to suit your particulars, not mine, and I can not only appreciate it as is, but it invites me to a re-appraisal of my own perspective.

I like this, and I'll be looking for you on the boards more in the future.

Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

5 posted 2008-03-16 01:58 AM

Dear A. Grace,

                You've got an interesting intellectual structure:  Identical first and last lines that recall Catullus's ( "I love and I hate....") wonderful lyric sandwich your rhyming alexandrines.  The lines offer and take away various visions of possible completion.  Clearly you've worked on this and from your comments on other poems I can tell you're a perceptive and insightful critic.  Here it's clear that you're trying to put those skills to work in writing poems.

     One of the problems here is that there is no sense of closure that you build throughout the poem and bring to an end in the final line.  Any single episode between the first and last line feels as though it might be interchangeable in terms of function for the development of the poem.

     There are poets who can make use of this strategy and who use it well.  You might look at some of Mark Strand's stuff or some of the poems from Self Portrait in A Convex Mirror by John Ashberry.  The technique relies on mannered presentation of the sentences and a diction that is remarkably close to French.  Almost always, the language is extraordinarily visual.

     Your mastery of alexandrines is incomplete, as is, I suspect, the case for all of us.  You have a regrettable urge to pack the line with syllables to fill out your meter without fair regard for brisk writing.  I pick these few lines as an example.

quote:

A constant climate, sheltered underneath a dome.
Having money, but never having any home.
A tease of spring that's followed by a foot of snow.

Constant climate, beneath a dome.
To have money without a home.
A tease of spring, a foot of snow.

     Put more directly, "To have money without a home" seems more like a silly choice than a fate, when you look at it.  And when I go back to the original "Having money, but never having any home" the silliness doesn't seem to go away.

     A. Grace, you've gotten the poem to the point where all the squares are filled in, and the structure you've decided for the poem has been more or less completed.  It's time to ask the poem where it wants to go and what it wants to do and for you to go along for the ride and try to please the poem for a change.  If you want the suggestion.  Go to a library or a used book store and get a copy of The Practice of Poetry, edited by Robin Behn & Chase Twichell and leaf through it until your unconscious mind says whee!  That looks like fun!  And try something from that.

     You need your unconscious more on your side, and more fun so you don't have to be worrying about being a Big Girl so much.  That's for re-writing further down the line.  Look at your poetry reading list and see if you're reading modern stuff you love for fun.  Fall in love with the language of the poets you read.  If you're not doing that, read them out loud.  Be a ham about it.  Then look for those modern poets that you love to read out loud.
Listen for the sounds you want in your poems.

     If you're going to be a Big Girl about this, and you do appear to have the talent for it, then you're going to have to bring the rest of yourself along if you're going to go very far.  Go get 'em!

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

6 posted 2008-03-16 08:42 AM

“ Having money, but never having any home. ”

Grace, I don’t think that line is the least bit silly. You can have ample money without having a home and not be a millionaire. Your husband could be a serial bank robber, a
successful drug dealer are more mundane like a high ranking military person .

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

7 posted 2008-03-16 11:53 AM

RCat, thanks for commenting.  I do like your take on this also, especially the enjambment.
*

serenity blaze, thank you!  I appreciate your comment.
*

Bob K, thank you so much for taking the time to give me such an in-depth critique, I know that I have much to learn.  I've only been writing poetry a few months and only began paying attention to meter recently- so I really try to focus on syllable count and meter on most of the poems that I write- which probably shows why my poems don't have the "whee" effect in them just yet.  I'm trying to get that locked down before I go crazy.  I did just recently buy "The Poet's Companion- A Guide to the Pleasures of Writing Poetry" by Kim Addonizio and Dorianne Laux.  I may check out the book you recommended also, it's nice to get different perspectives from the people who have mastered it.  Thanks for all of your helpful suggestions.  One thing I did want to point out was that the "Having money, but never having any home" line was more taking the meaning of "home" as being the place where you are loved and belong- not so much the literal home.

And on the funny side, I do believe I'll take out the "big girl" from my critique line!

Thanks again, you've given me some helpful points to ponder.
*

chopsticks, thanks for not thinking the line is silly.  Like I mentioned above, I wrote that line thinking more along the thought of family, loved ones, a place to belong, as the actual "home" that they lacked, as in money can't buy happiness.
*

Thanks everyone,
Angie

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

8 posted 2008-03-16 01:43 PM

Grace, I interpreted the line literally and it never occurred to me it could be a metaphor or something .

I think it would be very interesting for you to tell us what some of the other lines actually mean .

I would really be interested in knowing what the real meaning of line number 5 is .

A.Grace
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 31

9 posted 2008-03-17 10:47 PM

Hi chopsticks,

"I would really be interested in knowing what the real meaning of line number 5 is."

To answer your question about line 5:
Oil approaching a lush and wildly pristine shore

I had a couple of things in mind when I wrote that:

we as humans always seem to destroy beautiful things, it's in our nature

and

when we have something beautiful, there always seems to be something in the back, lurking, waiting to soil it, destroy it (love the beauty, hate what destroys it)

Thanks for asking, I hope that makes sense. However, it's open to interpretation.

A.

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