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Critical Analysis #2
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chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,

0 posted 2008-03-13 05:28 PM


I looked at death .
Death looked at me.
I saw no hope.
It was to be.

But as death comes
To every man;
I acquiesced,
I took no stand.

I thought it best
To go with grace,
That day I looked
Death in the face.

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (03-14-2008 08:17 PM).]

© Copyright 2008 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved
A.Grace
Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 31

1 posted 2008-03-13 08:04 PM


I looked at death . (comma, not period)
Death looked at me.
I saw no hope. (comma, not period)
It was to be.

But as death comes. (comma, not period)
To every man;
I acquiesced,
I took no stand.

I thought it best
To go with grace,
That day I looked
Death in the face. (The flow doesn't match the rest in this last line- I would tweak it a bit)

I liked it.  4 syllables each line, nice short statements, good story.

A.

Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

2 posted 2008-03-14 03:59 AM


    

     Thank you Chopsticks and thank you A. Grace.

     Chopsticks, the difficulty with this sort of poem is in surprising yourself with the ending.  Unless you can astound or shatter or profoundly affect yourself with a flash of insight, the ending will always provoke the sort of technical comment that A. Grace offered, gracefully enough.  My experience is that it's almost unbearable to say something that short, direct and shattering.  It's extraordinarily ambitious for you to be working at doing so and you have earned my admiration.

     My memory is shoddy, but I think the quotation is from Thus Spake Zarathustra, and I think I'm being reasonably accurate.  All corrections are gratefully accepted.  "When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you."
That's the order of stuff you're talking about here.  

     Once you start the conversation in a poem, you will have trouble saying "Whoops, I didn't really have something serious to say.  Didn't mean it."  That's my impression of what you actually did here, and it leaves the poem with a curiously flat feeling to it.  I don't think this is what you intended.  I think you intended some sort of philosophical acceptance of death as a part of life, but because of the ambitious initial stance of the poem as expressed in your first stanza, you weren't able to use this sort of ending.

     It's sort of like contract bridge, I guess.  You made a bid and weren't able to fill it.
  
     Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what the bid is that you're making in a poem when you begin it, so that when you've come to the end you can check to see if you've filled it.  It may sound stupid, but it's one of the ways you can check on the quality of your work before you show it to anybody.

     A. Grace, I like your crisp comments.

    

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
3 posted 2008-03-14 09:52 AM


Thank you Grace. A couple lines did have mixed meter , but I thought that was ok.

Bob, the poem was inspired by a true story.  I know, that in its self does not make it a better poem.

I talked to the ER doctor that was with my father when he died, the poem was the results of that talk.

Bob ,please don’t take offence or even a garden gate ; but often when I read one of your critiques, I ask

Myself, “ WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS GUY”

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
4 posted 2008-03-14 10:04 AM


Btw Bob, the first question I ask that doctor was, did my father want to die.

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