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Critical Analysis #2
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What Could Have been
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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What Could Have been |
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apexcarpio New Member
since 2008-03-12
Posts 5 |
A man asleep upon his bed A soft white pillow beneath his head A dream of violence and of lead A gripping fear of death and dread Quickly he wakes but alls not fine He look at his family for the last time A cruel action, a powerful crime His shifts his eyes to see the shine Its was just wayward missile off target No thoughts of who's upset Just AIM, LOCK and SET They hear on radios what has happened and regret The man survives but has ran and fled The shirt on his back is claret red Broken and bruised, "I will kill the swine" He says he head "Its there time to whine" The bomb straps are cutting right into his spine This was not his plan but his design Nine inch nail packed in twine Now to fix a suitable target A car a bus, an acceptable debt He swears to his himself not to forget They will all pay for the pain of his sweat All of a sudden an epiphany Is the west my enemy Bang a loud noise wakes the man Tight eyed he spots his clan Looks around and sees his family Overjoyed he kisses them happily Thoughts of dread start to disappear Eyes full of water a gracious tear In the end it was just a dream No need for a terrible scheme [This message has been edited by apexcarpio (03-13-2008 02:56 PM).] |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- If you want comments, you should turn on the on option in your profile indicating you accept critiques. If you don't want comments, consider posting in the Open Poetry forum. Best, Jimbeaux |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Seems to me that the only purpose for posting in CA is to receive comments. Therefore, anything posted in CA is eligible for commenting. If a writer does not want critique then Critical Analysis is not the place to post. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi NotA -- I agree, for what it's worth, but folks do it all the time. Brad usually points this out to newcomers to this forum, but he hadn't gotten to this one, so I did. What I don't understand is why new members sometimes think C/A is the best place for their first poem and post. No harm in that, of course, everyone is welcome, and its all about poetic passion. There aren't any standards for posting in C/A, apparently, other than keep it clean. I think there might be at least one, though, which is that posters have the courtesy to run their poems through spell check. This won't avoid all gaffes, and I make them all the time despite trying very hard not to, but at least it indicates a poster's willingness to look at a poem more than once before putting it up. In another thread, Jennifer suggested that she wasn't bothered by a particular poem's spelling, punctuation, and gramatical errors. For her, the emotional content of the poem outweighed considerations of the Word Police. A valid point of view. Grinch, Sid, jboulder and BobK have come down heavily on the other side in other threads, suggesting that a poet should at least be his/her own copy editor. Even if the notion isn't unanimous, the "check-it-firsters notion seems to be more prevalent. Hi Apexcarpio and welcome! The above sort of discussion has taken place here more than once, so it's not personal. This would really be a first bit of constructive criticism: Clean the poem up so that it can be appreciated without distractions. Best, Jimbeaux  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jim, I pretty much agree with everything you said. I have noticed Brad reminding newbies to "check the box" but I also wanted to point out that discussion and critique is the prime purpose of this forum. This just seemed like the perfect ooportunity for that reminder. And a big AMEN on you spelling and proofreading comments. I can't think of much that turns me off a new post worse than the writer not caring enough to at least read before posting. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Jim, You make me us sound like the spelling police!  I don’t mind the odd blooper - we all make them - but sometimes I wonder how much care people take in other aspects of a poem if they don’t take care with the simple things and if a writer doesn’t care that much about a poem why should the reader. Saying that I understand the opposite view - spelling detracts but it’s just one part of a poem, if I ever read a really really good poem I’m sure I’ll forgive any spelling errors. I have to admit though I’ve yet to come across one that matched that criteria and I’ve a sneaky suspicion I never will. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
It is real easy for a new member to forget to turn on the I accept critiques . Brad had to tell me to turn mine on and I’m almost perfect. I didn’t see any spelling errors in the poem. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Not really spelling errors per se, but multiple grammar issues, ex. "Its there time to whine" when it should be It's their time to whine |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chops and Eminor: Note that the post has been edited by the author and the spelling cleaned up. This is a very good sign. I hope we'll start talking about the poem now. I'll try to kick it off tomorrow. The author having shown good will deserves some concrete remarks. Jimbeaux |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello, apexcarpio. Welcome to Passions. I'm one of the CA voyeurs...I do a lot of reading, and sometimes come in with a pick of a nit or two. Right now, however, I'm waiting to see how the others are going to react to your changes. Again, Welcome! " It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Hi Alex, I feel bad that you've gotten nine replies and none were really critique-y, so here's my two cents. 1. I highly recommend reading The Poetry Home Repair Manual by Ted Kooser. It's an excellent book by an excellent poet (he has won a Pulitzer prize and was formerly the Poet Laureate of the US. This book has helped my own poetry greatly. 2. I would suggest rewriting this poem as free verse. I'm sure that many people on this forum would disagree with me, but I think that beginning poets should be writing free verse, not rhyming poetry. That way you can develop your voice and your technique without boxing yourself in a rhyming scheme that can change your priorities while writing the poem. Focus on what you're saying first, and later you can decide if you want to write rhymes or not. Also, many beginning poets seem to think that poetry should rhyme, or that a rhyming poem is more 'poem-esque' but if you look at the leading literary journals (at least in Canada, such as the Fiddlehead and Grain) you aren't going to find rhyming poetry. Again, just a suggestion. Take care! ~Eminor |
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apexcarpio New Member
since 2008-03-12
Posts 5 |
Hi Eminor Thanks for your comments. When i found this site i thought that i would share some of my poetry, I see that i should of posted in the open area. But all comments are greatly appreciated. At school i was never good at spelling or punctuation but i have always loved poetry.And i see that you guys and girls love poetry. By the way my name is not Alex (lol) its michael |
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Edgewise Junior Member
since 2008-03-23
Posts 19Chicago |
A man asleep upon his bed A soft white pillow beneath his head A dream of violence and of lead A gripping fear of death and dread Not a bad opener. Some forced rhyming, but nothing really conceptually bad. Quickly he wakes but alls not fine- "Nothing's" He looked at his family for the last time A cruel action, a powerful crime His shifts his eyes to see the shine- eh? Its (It) was just wayward missile off target No thoughts of who's upset Just AIM, LOCK and SET They hear on radios what has happened and regret- reword this. The man survives but has ran and fled The shirt on his back is claret red Broken and bruised, "I will kill the swine" He says he (in his) head "Its there time to whine" The bomb straps are cutting right into his spine This was not his plan but his design- slight contradiction there. Nine inch nail packed in twine Now to fix a suitable target A car a bus, an acceptable debt He swears to his himself not to forget They will all pay for the pain of his sweat All of a sudden an epiphany Is the west my enemy(?) Bang a loud noise wakes the man Tight eyed he spots his clan Looks around and sees his family Overjoyed he kisses them happily Thoughts of dread start to disappear Eyes full of water a gracious tear In the end it was just a dream No need for a terrible scheme I am going to guess that you are a beginner to poetry. This wasn't a bad attempt. Just a few gripes. 1. Don't invalidate the whole thing by saying it was a dream. 2. Work on rewording some of the lines and stanzas. Some of them sound very awkward. 3. Keep on practicing. Nobody ever finally looses their soul- they only piss away 99/100 of it. |
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apexcarpio New Member
since 2008-03-12
Posts 5 |
Hi Edgewise When you say some forced rhyming what do you mean by this phase. The line, This was not his plan but his design was meant to be that he did'nt want his life to be this way and the design aspect of the line was the design of the bomb. Thank you for your comments I wanted the poem not to be a real life situation because of the horror of the act that he was going to commit, but still wanted to explore the pain a man would do if his family was killed in an accident. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
"A man asleep upon his bed A soft white pillow beneath his head A dream of violence and of lead A gripping fear of death and dread" What I think was meant by forced rhyming is that parts of this stanza seem to be here only because they rhyme. Most people sleep with pillows, so that doesn't really need to be mentioned. And why is he dreaming of lead? Again, this word seems to be here only because it rhymes with the rest of the end words. |
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apexcarpio New Member
since 2008-03-12
Posts 5 |
Hi eminor The sence is set in a war torn country (iraq) so i think the man's dreams would be of bombing and bullets and if him family would survive them and what going on around them. The second line, A soft white pillow beneath his head was meant to show the comfort before the storm. Thanks for your comments |
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