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Critical Analysis #2
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Thinking about publishing this in my school's literary magazine, is the flow off?
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Critical Analysis #2
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Thinking about publishing this in my school's literary magazine, is the flow off?
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Thinking about publishing this in my school's literary magazine, is the flow off? |
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SilhouetteMarquis Junior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 32 |
Glimmering in hallowed halls Stands silent candles, swaying forth By winds of terror, winds of silence Winds of frigid origins, north This hard-lined spell from far beyond What mortal minds may urge to grasp Pure evil is this stabbing breath As we take our final gasp. This plague is, sadly, kept repeating their murmured hearts, a solemn beating These aware and constant thoughts depleting For what could be at stake? Welcoming and greeting 2 paths en route a' meeting A certainty of death for those awake. But as souls can be uncertain, and close the final curtain, Embracing at the coming of the gates A noose, a slit above the chest A gunshot wound, the second best to cyanide, for instant rest Diffusion of this so-called savior's bane. When those in doubt shall take it's test A fate to feel, dammed or blessed. A dormant soul, for one to wrest The flesh now soaked with sorrowed, somber rain But for those in fitful slumber still A lack of light at the windowsill Emotions beat at forceful will Witnessing of life gone nil Induce the sudden urge to cause this unencumbered pain and the emptiness, not one to fill the end result, a scream so shrill a cause for these unspoken words, the lonesome feeling's reign. No need for them to try, For life is like a box of chocolates with a diabetic death o'er a lie Ignorance comes too late for some, By daunted bliss or empty sorrow Inglory of this fate they seek But all of those we have to borrow Intrusive words to silent beings Comatose, without their wings Never said, to those who speak, Will surely kill tomorrow. And these withheld emotions act as guns with the safeties never on. Extruding bullets pierce this heart But these words are never gone. Shards of lead can be removed But words, forever here. Bleedings how the body cleans, But this soul is never clear A mess, two sounds, rampaging crowds As the heart's arrested beating Witnesses to this attest Stand at the two paths meeting To choose the right With the controversy's heating To better life for themselves... their families... and true love's royal seating (Only greed, as sums and debts impeding) But as of one who deepens, as of one that dwells They will surely find themselves At the greeting or the damning of the gates. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I didn't spend as much time on this as I should, but my first reaction was that the tone is off (I don't get what you're doing with the rhymes at all). So, if you were the editor, would you accept it? |
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poddarku Senior Member
since 2008-01-15
Posts 589india |
at patches it is good..again sometimes not. nice try though. clever talks delay friendship! |
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RCat Member
since 2008-02-16
Posts 70 |
This is a good start but way too many “standard issue” poetry words like; Glimmering hallowed halls silent candles winds of terror silence frigid north from far beyond mortal minds pure evil final gasp. Sadly repeating murmured hearts beating constant thoughts depleting. For what could be at stake? Writing fresh poetry takes a lot of time and focus --- I think you have a rough draft here you can blow apart, put it in a bag and shake it and see what pours out. Anything you see that reflects hallmark candle etc. should be promptly annihilated from your electron amusement park. Focus on imagery rather than reciting lines… Good luck and have fun! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
RCAT, I'm a little confused by what you mean by 'standard issue'. As far as I can tell, you're going after common phrasings, not words. Fair enough, but any one of these words is perfectly suitable for a 'fresh' poem. This is a tricky thing and related to 'cliche'. Two or three issues I have: 1. Any word is possible in any poem. It's not the word, it's the way it is used that matters. I often go after emotionally-charged words: love, spirit, angel, soul etc. Again, the problem is not the word itself, but if you expect the word to carry with it some kind of emotional reaction to the reader sans anything else, you probably have a weak poem. 2. Phrasings work the same way. There's nothing wrong with any of the phrasings above , but the writer should know that they are commonly used and therefore do not carry much emotional or aesthetic weight in the poem sans anything else. My big bugaboo here are concrete noun 'of' abstract noun phrasings. The sword of justice The wind of fate The hammer of vengance The problem here is in letting the abstraction do the descriptive work for you. Like emotionally charged words, you let the resonance (usually carried over from another poem, play, or novel) of the abstraction carry the weight of the poem. The most amazing thing to me is that this often works anyway.  What're ya gonna do? |
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McMongrel Junior Member
since 2008-03-02
Posts 17North Carolina, USA |
I see a few minor grammatical glitches (though I am not an English teacher): damned, not dammed "Stands silent candles, swaying forth" Should "Stands" be "stand" due to the plural? I also wonder if the flow would be better if you were to chose one rhyming style and stuck to it. For example: Glimmering in hallowed halls Stands silent candles, swaying FORTH 2 By winds of terror, winds of silence Winds of frigid origins, NORTH 4 This hard-lined spell from far beyond What mortal minds may urge to GRASP 6 Pure evil is this stabbing breath As we take our final GASP. 8 But later, Ignorance comes too late for some, By daunted bliss or empty SORROW 2 In glory of this fate they SEEK 3 But all of those we have to BORROW 4 Intrusive words to silent beings Comatose, without their wings Never said, to those who SPEAK, 7 Will surely kill TOMORROW. 8 I have no problem with it as it is, but if you are after a smoother flow, perhaps a change should be made. I might be misreading it, but I don't see a consistent rhyming scheme throughout. Of course, I'm not really a rhyming poet myself. I think the individual stanzas are quite good. You just have to decide if you want the piece to flow stanza to stanza with the same beat. Or, you could group the stanzas with similar rhyming schemes together so that the reader clearly sees the change that comes and adjusts to it better. Hope these comments were helpful, not just confusing and nonsensical. |
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Thinking about publishing this in my school's literary magazine, is the flow off?
