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So, I made an unconventional (to a lesser extent) ballade. Need help with fluidity.
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Critical Analysis #2
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So, I made an unconventional (to a lesser extent) ballade. Need help with fluidity.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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So, I made an unconventional (to a lesser extent) ballade. Need help with fluidity. |
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SilhouetteMarquis Junior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 32 |
Pity those who see things through That often sit for children lain In fields,left for gardens,new Pity those who clean the stain that darkness left for many slain Until the bell leaves solemn rings It's melodies, a promised reign The Watchers see no shattered wings. As day by day turns two by two We look to swords, the only bane for enemies, in shadowed hue An evil light? To we disdain Admittance to another plane Where a darkened maiden softly sings A shining hate shall come again The Watchers see no shattered wings. But from within, we fight on true The enemy: usurping pain Arrives, too late, a regnant coup Of love, in which we can't obtain Contort the feelings of the sane by means gold by various kings And only hearts to which we feign The Watchers see no shattered wings. By seas of thunder, flashing blue The warlord screams in torrent rain As decks below, his men in queue For life's unspoken truths to wane But blood from them has yet to drain For horror, this poor fellow brings (for only those that wish to gain) The Watchers see no shattered wings. These Watchers sought to once attain Humanity, controlled by strings Until blades cut the known arcane The Watchers see no shattered wings Now shattered things for greedy kings Our self demise, to ball and chain These Watchers never had our wings The Watchers see no shattered wings |
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| © Copyright 2008 SilhouetteMarquis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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SilhouetteMarquis Junior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 32 |
BTW, I would really appreciate it if you guys could give me some suggestions on the ending. I know it's a little unconventional, but tried to finish it. I never was that great with conclusions. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
What I see here, SilhouetteMarquis,is a guy who's not entirely clear about his subject. What it looks like is that you knew the form you wanted to try, knew the rhyme scheme and the metrics and had some sense of mythological themes you wanted to work with. Then you went ahead and tried to fill the form with the theme. That's what it looks like. What you came up with is an interesting first draft that you're right to get feedback on. I think you've run out of steam because you don't know enough about your mythological world, the characters in it and their functions to give the poem a sense of fullness a sense that you're actually having to cut things back to keep material out, to keep the poem shrunk down and tight. You could ask yourself questions about the various characters that have populated this draft of the poem. Who are these Watchers, what are they doing and why? Who are these Kings? You can go down the list of everyone and everything in the poem and actually flesh out your world a bit in your imagination to the point that you have some idea what the poem wants to be about. The fact that you're having some trouble with the ending here suggests that you might be having trouble knowing that, and that you're trying to write a poem from too small a base as a result. You might ask yourself what the next poem is you want to write and take a shot at that. You might try a more personal poem of some sort or try some sort of poetry exercise; these are also very helpful The Practice of Poetry is a book by Robin Behn and Chase Twichell that is chock full of very good poetry exercises that should get you started without much trouble. I've found them helpful on occasion. Hope I've been of some help. My best, BobK. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
A problem with fluidity? This poem could be no more fluid. The meter is perfection.... |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Balladeer, You are a wicked wicked man. All my best, Bob K. |
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SilhouetteMarquis Junior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 32 |
Why thank you, Balladeer and Bob, for your reviewing of my poem. I think what I'll end up doing is forming this into ballade supreme, as this poem was about self-reflection, with a pinch of Bipolar Disorder thrown in the mix. I guess it wasn't portrayed that way. [This message has been edited by SilhouetteMarquis (02-20-2008 08:05 PM).] |
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SilhouetteMarquis Junior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 32 |
Pity those who see things through That often sit for children lain In fields,left for gardens,new Pity those who clean the stain that darkness left for many slain Until the bell leaves solemn rings It's melodies, a promised reign The Watchers see our shattered wings. As day by day turns two by two We look to swords, the only bane for enemies, in shadowed hue An evil light? To we disdain Admittance to another plane Where a darkened maiden softly sings A shining hate shall come again The Watchers see our shattered wings. But from within, we fight on true The enemy: usurping pain Arrives, too late, a regnant coup Of love, in which we can't obtain Contort the feelings of the sane by means gold by varied kings And only hearts to which we feign The Watchers see our shattered wings. By seas of thunder, flashing blue The warlord screams in torrent rain As decks below, his men in queue For life's unspoken truths to wane But blood from them has yet to drain For horror, this poor fellow brings (for only those that wish to gain) The Watchers see our shattered wings. A bound of faith, for which we flew released forth power, uncontained The sin and force that we once knew ('Til blades cut loose the known arcane) Be arbitrarily ordained: Humanity, controlled by strings Ascendance to the distant strain The Watchers see our shattered wings The Watchers see their shattered wings Now sharpened things for tempted beings Our self demise, to ball and chain Malignant Eyes, a mouth which sings The differences between the twain. The Watchers see our shattered wings |
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So, I made an unconventional (to a lesser extent) ballade. Need help with fluidity.
