Promised Revision of Limes

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Bob K
Member Elite

since 2007-11-03

Posts 4208

0 posted 2008-01-28 06:44 PM

The Transcendence of Limes

The brown goatskin jacket stays home tonight.
You have no issue with this lack of humidity,
And the early May evening
Dress code requires only a tee-shirt for comfort.
Your six-pack of Sam Adams Black Lager
Sits on the corner of the army surplus blanket
Of indeterminate color.  Here’s your church key.

Enjoy!  Lay on your back, bring your knees up
Till you can press your feet flat onto the grass.
You don’t need three beers to feel
The turntable of the world wheel
Under you.  In seven months, in late December,
When you drive home from the grocery
In your distressed brown leather bomber jacket

There will be things that will return for you,
Jumbled, in the middle of a snow squall.
Inexact as the terrors from the closet,
Scarey as memories of Alien Abduction,
They’ve waited to kill you till you’re 60
And you've come to believe you’re safe.
You will remember a garden awash

With the intensifying scent of azaleas,
Blue as the scent of ice on evergreens.
Allowing yourself to sink into that
Voluptuous memory, you will close
Your eyes as an expression of your
Silken trust and relaxation.  Now you can be confident,
At last there’s a language to express

The sound of tires skidding across the ice
With a hiss like cooking bacon.  Someone
Else can be responsible for the expression
Of panic.  It need not always be you.
You will be able to take the time to reach
For the details of that bargain you made
With darkness.  You may recall those details

When you flick off the headlights and wipers
With an flip motion of one thumb.
Sitting completely still, absent as
A forgotten sensation, grasping nothing,
You’ll be able to levitate above yourself,
Your exhausted sensorium overflowing
With an exultation like the scent of West Indian Limes.

     I promised that I was revising.  Here's the newest of a few versions.  I'm trying to follow this one where it takes me.  Comments, as you can all see, have been very useful.  Further comments will help me see new, even more egregious blind spots and make corrections.  Thanks!  BobK.

[This message has been edited by Bob K (01-29-2008 02:57 AM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2008-01-30 04:29 PM

quote:
Lay on your back

Lie on your back?

quote:
with an flip motion

with a flip motion?

I'm not sure 'hiss of cooking bacon' matches that sound. It doesn't work for me at any rate.

What can I say? There are some absolutely gorgeous moments here, but I'm not always good with these kind of -- what can you say? -- 'the inevitable' poems.

A Wordsworthian poem in reverse?

I'm just confused, I guess. I want you to change the ending, create some kind of tension here, but the set up is such that I don't know what to offer. Maybe a surprise or an extended lamentation on the limes (I love that by the way).

I've read it slowly twice now, and my feeling is that you need some moment or trick at the end. Maybe you're shooting for something different. Maybe you're shooting for more Hemingway and less O'Henry, but that's my gut feeling right now.

I reserve the right to change my mind.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2008-01-30 06:25 PM

Bob, I have read all three of the poem the original and the two revision. Don’t ask me why, but I am starting to think about what Jack Nicholson told the waitress in the movie ( Five easy pieces )

Maybe it’s them West Indian limes.

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