Critical Analysis #2 |
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Promised Revision of Limes |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
The Transcendence of Limes The brown goatskin jacket stays home tonight. You have no issue with this lack of humidity, And the early May evening Dress code requires only a tee-shirt for comfort. Your six-pack of Sam Adams Black Lager Sits on the corner of the army surplus blanket Of indeterminate color. Here’s your church key. Enjoy! Lay on your back, bring your knees up Till you can press your feet flat onto the grass. You don’t need three beers to feel The turntable of the world wheel Under you. In seven months, in late December, When you drive home from the grocery In your distressed brown leather bomber jacket There will be things that will return for you, Jumbled, in the middle of a snow squall. Inexact as the terrors from the closet, Scarey as memories of Alien Abduction, They’ve waited to kill you till you’re 60 And you've come to believe you’re safe. You will remember a garden awash With the intensifying scent of azaleas, Blue as the scent of ice on evergreens. Allowing yourself to sink into that Voluptuous memory, you will close Your eyes as an expression of your Silken trust and relaxation. Now you can be confident, At last there’s a language to express The sound of tires skidding across the ice With a hiss like cooking bacon. Someone Else can be responsible for the expression Of panic. It need not always be you. You will be able to take the time to reach For the details of that bargain you made With darkness. You may recall those details When you flick off the headlights and wipers With an flip motion of one thumb. Sitting completely still, absent as A forgotten sensation, grasping nothing, You’ll be able to levitate above yourself, Your exhausted sensorium overflowing With an exultation like the scent of West Indian Limes. I promised that I was revising. Here's the newest of a few versions. I'm trying to follow this one where it takes me. Comments, as you can all see, have been very useful. Further comments will help me see new, even more egregious blind spots and make corrections. Thanks! BobK. [This message has been edited by Bob K (01-29-2008 02:57 AM).] |
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© Copyright 2008 Bob K - All Rights Reserved | |||
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Lie on your back? quote: with a flip motion? I'm not sure 'hiss of cooking bacon' matches that sound. It doesn't work for me at any rate. What can I say? There are some absolutely gorgeous moments here, but I'm not always good with these kind of -- what can you say? -- 'the inevitable' poems. A Wordsworthian poem in reverse? I'm just confused, I guess. I want you to change the ending, create some kind of tension here, but the set up is such that I don't know what to offer. Maybe a surprise or an extended lamentation on the limes (I love that by the way). I've read it slowly twice now, and my feeling is that you need some moment or trick at the end. Maybe you're shooting for something different. Maybe you're shooting for more Hemingway and less O'Henry, but that's my gut feeling right now. I reserve the right to change my mind. ![]() |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bob, I have read all three of the poem the original and the two revision. Don’t ask me why, but I am starting to think about what Jack Nicholson told the waitress in the movie ( Five easy pieces ) Maybe it’s them West Indian limes. |
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