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Critical Analysis #2
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Certain Person
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Certain Person |
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SunShine913
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211Italy but from NC 
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Did you ever feel like the world was ending...B/c of one confusing feeling that you can't describe? Have u ever been torn apart and not wanted to be put back together b/c of a certain person? B/c that person makes u feel so good but at the same time it makes u hurt so bad? I wonder if you have ever felt the same way I do... Does everyone get this feeling? And when u see a certain person's s/n on your buddy list...do u get all warm inside but on the outside you are shaking with fear? Do u sit there and stare at that person's name wondering what they are thinking...wondering if they even care? Have u ever just sat and waited...waited for them to talk to u... waited for happiness? I wonder, did you ever listen to a song... that maybe reminded u of this certain person...and u listened to that song over and over until the night grew old. And in the morning you would still hear the harmony of the beautiful voices in your head? ...Reminding you about that certain person once again. When you see that certain person in that hall at school does ur stomach twist and turn?...Does your heart start to ache...and do you wonder if they will even notice u are there? And when they smile and squeeze your shoulder...all of your insides just float. Do u feel like you are in heaven on a cloud...and you can't help but to make the biggest smile...then ur heart suddenly seems to be put back 2gether? Then do u walk back down the hall realizing that the certain person is only a certain person...and do u remember that night they told u that u were only a friend in their heart? Suddenly do u feel like ur insides start to fall to the floor, your stomach starts to ache, and ur heart is torn once again...those beautiful voices of harmony are now loud and annoying and they won't go away? And as ur walking... walking, walking...does it feel like the longest walk you have ever had? Do u feel like the day will never end and these horrible feelings won't go away? So then when the day is finally over ur sitting at home ...looking at that certain person's name on your buddy list... remembering that they are only a certain person? Then do your insides finally start to rise from the floor but once again your heart starts to ache...the sounds from the song aren't coming in clearly and you feel like crying...B/c that certain person said hey? U stare at that certain person's name...and you start to wonder...why? Do a trillion questions start to build up in your mind and it confuses you b/c u know they cannot be answered? Then at night when everything is quiet and still do you lay in your bed...looking at the ceiling...wishing and questioning about that certain person...? Does this certain person always make you feel like this? Am I the only one...the only one who feels like dying...the only one whose heart gets torn out of place...the only one who listens to a song that sometimes sounds perfect but other times it sounds like someone dying? Do you have a certain person...a certain person that makes you get beautiful butterflies in your stomach...a certain person that makes you see the world in a much better way than anyone else...but at the same time this certain person rips ur heart and shreds it into millions of pieces that are too hard to put back together...? I wonder if my certain person has a certain person...and I wonder...could their certain person be me? *!~!* Andrea *!~!* |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrea L. Figueroa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Andrea, This piece is a little unusual. Is this the forum you intended to post it in? Pete |
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SunShine913
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211Italy but from NC |
yes .. i was hoping i could get someone to help me with the format,, *!~!* Andrea *!~!* |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I like the conversation style of the poem, not to fond of the short hand of "u" and "ur." I think that you need to lose some of the lines, I know it is a flow of thoughts but it is hard for the reader to keep their attention for the whole poem. Personally I would start the poem at the line "I wonder, did you ever listen to a song..." It directly addresses the reader, setting the poem up as a conversion. The lines following describe the speakers heartache and confusion. I found the buddy list lines unnecessary. It is hard to know what other lines to cut. What I would suggest is that you use some metaphors, I know you have used some like "butterflies in your stomach" these kind are a bit cliche. Try using metaphors that you have created. Think how you feel around this person and then think of event or occurance that is similar to how you feel. e.g "As she passes, the seas stormed within me" I enjoyed the read. Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich W. Nietzsche |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Your style reminds me of Walt Wittman's. This read feels more like a private letter to family or friend than it does a poem. Poetry is intensified language. What makes it intensified is the mood, and the manner in which that mood is conveyed via the poetical rhetorical devices. A strong rhythm such as in blank verse or within the parameters of free verse can serve to set aside a write from prose. Converting it to poetry requires a complete reconfiguration of the whole composition. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-07-2002 03:26 PM).] |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
SUnShine, I agree with Radrook- compress this. I didn't even get past the first two lines, that's how imposing the whole thing looks to me- not that I'm partial to reading but the length is a bit much. I also am not fond of shortened word usage. An honest opinion. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Andrea, I can't add a lot to the above advice. I agree you have too many lines or at least to remain their current length. Maybe the real alswer is to trim out a lot of unnecessary words. Also, to say I am not fond of the shorthand, u ur b/c, etc, would be a great understatement. It leaves the reader with the impression that you didn't care enough about your writing to do it properly. I rarely do free verse and am not very good at it but I'll try to give a short exzmple using your beginning. [original] Did you ever feel like the world was ending...B/c of one confusing feeling that you can't describe? Have u ever been torn apart and not wanted to be put back together b/c of a certain person? B/c that person makes u feel so good but at the same time it makes u hurt so bad? [line breaks added and shorthand fixed] Did you ever feel like the world was ending because of one confusing feeling that you can't describe? Have you ever been torn apart and not wanted to be put back together because of a certain person? because that person makes you feel so good but at the same time it makes you hurt so bad? [Shortened and wording altered] Ever felt the world was ending, that confusing feeling you are being torn apart but don't want to be restored because of a certain person who makes you feel so good but hurt so bad? I don't propose this as final but simply a suggestion of how I might approach it. I hope this helps a little in getting you started. Maybe some of our better free versers will come along and add more advice. Thanks, Pete |
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