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poddarku
Senior Member

since 2008-01-15

Posts 589
india

0 posted 2008-01-19 01:41 AM

A right moment

The tram, lighted, tickled away into night
Trees had a talk and now they bound in a bow.
A few merry wines fell on the grass.
One’ll stoop to amass those purple flowers.
A boy of 15 and you told them 18.
Loved to watch the wild evening
Passed under the trees of the park.

You always were right about the climax
When you would come and asked
“Sir, madam-want some peanuts?”

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

1 posted 2008-01-19 08:00 AM

Poddarku, this is such a fun read.

Thank you,

Btw, you were a naughty boy.

McMongrel
Junior Member

since 2008-03-02

Posts 17
North Carolina, USA

2 posted 2008-03-07 04:20 PM

I like the way you created such a picture with so few words.

I also like the image of how the tram "tickled away into night".

A few things I did not get:

Is "bow" used as in a thing that is tied, or the motion of bowing down as a greeting?

Also, in India does the English word "come" have the same sexual meaning as it does here?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2008-03-08 04:38 PM

You love playing with these metaphors, don't you?

A right moment.

--Fragment but I'd still put a period there to separate it from the rest.

quote:
The tram, lighted, tickled away into night.

--Another period

quote:
Trees had a talk and now they bound in a bow.

--I like it, but I can't quite see it. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. Wait. Well, I can see something (Are they small trees?).

quote:
A few merry wines fell on the grass.

--Okay.

quote:
One’ll stoop to amass those purple flowers;

I'd put a semi-colon here to connect this more clearly with the next lines:

quote:
A boy of 15 and you told them 18
Loved to watch the wild evening
Pass under the trees of the park.

quote:
You were right when he came and asked,

quote:

“Sir, madam-want some peanuts?”

At any rate, some minor adjustments. Hasty advice if you will. Some might argue that I'm taking too many of the 'clues' away.

I like this stuff, but, but I immediately remember the other one, the working girl one. Maybe it's just me, we all pursue the same theme again and again, but what about more variety?

Question: Do they serve peanuts on trams? Trains, I can see. Trams, I'm not so sure.

Ah, maybe that should be seen as another clue, no?

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