»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
HOLD ME ......
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
HOLD ME ...... |
|
|
mere thought New Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 6 |
In search for light , direction and sense. In appalling innocence, When to wake up, When to sleep, and to know the difference. Between death and birth. Both a scream, both a nudity , A welcoming shriek... To have met our weakness at peek Hold me … and let us meet, from the point of null. Know the God inside of all. When you and I begin to live or die , will you hold on to me ? the very instance when we meet .. and When I go , Ill be the one to cry for you. Lending you all my sense . When my ears no longer hear The moaning existence, the silence released When I pronounce in relief, The timing of my moon and sun, The dreams for the insane .. For the cowards and the nuns.. And a fleeting tear..will go ... for those hearts I’ve not known, even the ones made of dust.. the voices never met, and the mourning rain will continue, washing this surrounding sadness, halt the questioning , and the hunt .. again re-appeared in my lungs, those festive young smiles, casting light then shined above retrieving naked lust…all yours now not mine to feel tears dear I.... for a true single sigh, is to be able to confuse rain with blood, to hear my cry.... dissolve in the ocean if you must.. for a while..., and float with a prayer , raise with a smile and when I am laid in earth, watching, pray for my whimpers to run , hide create something aside beside the minutes I lost sparkled between shade and shadow posted as a remarkable lie knowing much about pain..about none for the shadows casted within ARE strong and the shade left is too alone... to speak the truth , turn on with me the source of thoughts curse not the tear but how it drops.. and hold me like a child forever hold Once a Sylphid "soul recieves from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book nor from tongue, if knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind,that is illumination of heart" RUMI |
||
| © Copyright 2002 mere thought - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
My first problem with this poem is that there are no line breaks. I am not against a poem without line breaks, only if (a) the poem focuses on area or (b) the material merits the length. Personally I think could alot of this out,I am not saying that the poem doesn't have good points, it has plenty but the weaker lines distract from what could be, with some editing, a powerful read. I became interested in the poem at the line "Between death and birth". The lines 1-6 just did not hit me the way the opening lines of a poem should Lines 4+5 could be edited out, Dropping them would give the lines more punch "In appalling innocence, to know the difference. Between death and birth". Now this part is a gem, this is where the power of the poem lies, some clever images and great writing. "The dreams for the insane .. For the cowards and the nuns.. And a fleeting tear..will go ... for those hearts I’ve not known, even the ones made of dust.. the voices never met, and the mourning rain will continue, washing this surrounding sadness, halt the questioning , and the hunt .. again re-appeared in my lungs, those festive young smiles, casting light then shined above retrieving naked lust…all yours now not mine to feel tears dear I.... for a true single sigh, is to be able to confuse rain with blood, to hear my cry.... dissolve in the ocean if you must.." The rest of the poem is almost as strong, you could edit it down a bit. maybe cut the lines with the *, I am suggesting those lines, NOT because they are badly written, but because I feel cutting some of the out with add more impact to the poem. for a while..., and float with a prayer , raise with a smile and when I am laid in earth, watching, pray for my whimpers to run , hide create something aside beside the minutes I lost sparkled between shade and shadow* posted as a remarkable lie* knowing much about pain..about none* for the shadows casted within ARE strong and the shade left is too alone... to speak the truth , turn on with me* the source of thoughts* curse not the tear but how it drops.. and hold me like a child forever hold I enjoyed the read, especially the latter part. Hope these comments have helped. Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich W. Nietzsche [This message has been edited by brian madden (09-04-2002 02:21 PM).] |
||
|
mere thought New Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 6 |
Brian.. I am really thrilled to read what you think of my poem..thank you.... regarding the line breaks, I guess I never really focused on learning them , and as for your other comments, I think I'd have to agree with you completely.. after all , English is not my first language...I have a lot to learn... Sylph |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
