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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Music Disappeared |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Music disappeared When piano was played By fingers of tear drops To the sheet of white notes Running after heart beat to Catch the song of life. Music disappeared When tongue vibrated By rubbing of sorrow To the conductor of fate Guiding the hum to sigh to ignore all rest Music disappeared. |
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| © Copyright 2007 TomMark - All Rights Reserved | |||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
"Running after heart beat to Catch the song of life." Wow catching the song of life I loved that thought.. definately something i'd never think of saying:P really enjoyed this TM  Krysti |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
hmmm, I'm gonna try a rewrite here. I suspect that I will sound more pedestrian the way I do it, certainly more pedestrian than you or others here seem to want, but it's what I want to do this morning: Music disappeared When the piano was played By tear drops To the sheet running after white notes. Music disappeared When a tongue conducted A hum to a sigh and ignored the rests Music disappeared. Hey, what did you expect? I just woke up.  |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Sir Brad, thank you very much. It is much better and did not lost the original meaning. This evening, after the drink, why not rewrite it again. Thank you again. How clever you changed the meaning of "rest". or did you?! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Another beauty from you... you have a delicacy about you that is simple and yet intricate I liked Brad's adjustment as well, his choice of pluralism did indeed add interest. I'm not well trained musically, but I always did say that silence made a note more profound. And smiling, after reading this, I thought surely this must be the stuff of symphony. I'm a fan, TM. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you, my dear Lady SB. See I am not in any of your challenge? I am simply not able to do it. Truly. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
It's okay sweetie. You don't need a match to get your fire burning. And who knows? One might "spark" your muse yet. (oh I am cracking me up tonight.) sheesh *hugs* you write beautifully |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
A small part of not doing, I am not in the mood. One of my close friend, who smiles like sun and plays good piano and a beautiful soprano is dying of cancer at 50. Doctor gave her 3 months to live. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, This poem is intensely personal; too much so, really, for an audience. I can tell because there is no sense of speaker, stance or audience available in the poem. Were this more than a poem written for yourself, there would be some clarity about who was speaking or what their nature might be. The nature of their address would be clear from their tone. The audience would be clear from the manner of their address by the speaker. None of these conditions apply here. There would probably (not always) be some form of plot or the implication of a plot unfolding through the length of the poem. What we have here is a poem from the self to the self that only accidently admits outsiders. One question worth asking is, what do we do with it? There are several answers. Nothing. A poem of this kind is fine. Leave it alone. Ask what function we want the poem to serve. Do we want the poem to make somebody love us, topple governments, or move others to tears at the plight of the Polar bears? Do we want others to see the sadness of the death our our friend at 50? In that case the strategy of "nothing" won't work. Everything in the poem must move toward that end, and when the reader walks away, the sense of terror and pity must be focused and inescapable. In that case, TomMark, I haven't been given the materials to feel terror and pity, and it's back to the drawing board. The task here is making the poem do what I think it ought to do. This is tough work. Ask what the poem wants from itself. This is more difficult than either of the previous options. It means you have to go back to the poem and look at what seem to be the most lively parts of it, the most real, the most energetic and playful and follow where they want to go. No two poems written in this fashion take the same developmental path. If you would care for a concrete suggestion that might get you started on either of the last two directions, I might suggest that you play a sort of fill in the blanks game with yourself to see where it takes you. Try to take each line as the beginning of a sentence, and complete the sentence without making reference to anything below. Make sure The sentence is completely straightforward and understandable. The mix and match and edit the result into something that suits you, but which remains clear. Music disappeared... into the shadows at the back of the high shelf on the closet. When [the] piano was played... (my note here: try not to use passive voice, make the pronoun a specific noun when possible) When Charlene played the piano... all the polka dots on the walls fell to the floor. (I'd simply cut this line about tear drops, I can't visualize it) (I am also unclear what a white note might be. It may be something, but in order to have the image work, you're going to have to make it specific enough to be seen, heard, felt, tasted or sniffed. "White notes" and similar flights of genius are to be avoided. While you and I are congratulating ourselves on our insight, our readers are turning on the tv.) Running after [somebody's, perhaps yours, perhaps Charlene's, whoever she is] heart beat....a small man in a sweatshirt threatens to drop dead of exhaustion. And so on. You can see my unconscious plots things differently than yours would. I'm not trying to substitute mine, I'm simply trying to offer you a way of accessing yours in a less painful way. Anyway, keep writing, and try for more concrete things in straightforward sentences. All my best, BobK |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Tom I don’t know if your poetry is laced with serendipity or just genius , but it is so good. I wonder where you get all of the interesting phrases, serendipity, genius or both . Change it if you like, I have already printed out a copy of the real thing. Thank you, |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Bob K, can't get so sharp( thank you so much for your comments). You touched my untouchable part. I did want to write my feelings out, but I will end up crying instead of writing a poem. In that sense( or in any sense)I am not a poet. "Ask what function we want the poem to serve." a wonderful question. Thank you. You are so right that I wrote this for myself--but it truly a depressed one. If I have the ability to play words, I may still end up crying than write something that could touch others. My congenital defect. Thank you so much, dear Bob K. I'll try to revise it. I wish you had a nice "out of town." |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Chops, oh Chops Will you run away with mops? You certainly had no sense That I was on your defense And if you want to fight Do please come to my thread.  Have a wonderful day, Chops And thank you for your nice comment. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: For me, that was one of the best lines here. There was one thing a French postmodern feminist (I want to say Julia Kristeva but I'm not sure.) said and it has stuck with me: Men write black marks on white paper. Women write white on white paper. I have no idea if TM has read the same passage, but the idea seemed appropriate for this poem. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Thank you Sir Brad, for you further expanded it  now, sleep tight!!!!!!!I shall write a nightmare into your dream.  |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Will you run away with mops? “ Tom, is ( mops ) a typo? If it is, you have been corrupted . If not, what are you talking about ?. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
If dish has run aways with spoon Then chopsticks should thy follow soon The broomsticks serve the gentle witch while mop shall make a good harpoon. How is my poem? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
TomMark: Bob K nailed it early in his comment above: "A poem of this kind is fine. Leave it alone." You can accept comments on your poems, take some to heart, or simply carry on. A poet, IMO, does not need to explain the emotional source of the poem, unless it is specific and in the poem itself. It's fair to explain why certain words or images were chosen, and to clarify, revise, or leave alone. As your poems show up in the "Find Poems" box, it might be useful for a reader to print them out, and see and read them aloud in the context of your unique voice. I don't always know what you are doing -- but hey, I rarely know what I'm doing! What I do know is that you are writing poetry in a way that no one else is. This is a good thing. Best, Jim Aitken |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, No. Listen to yourself. This poem is about your feelings. This poem is for you. There are other poets out there who love what you do and the way that you do it. They understand the language of your feelings because it's close enough to the language of theirs to that it reverberates wonderfully for them. They tell you so; they're not lying. What I'm talking about is what to do if you want to make the poem something for a larger audience with a different set of expectations. Not all of anybody's poems can make or should make that leap. The concentration for this other kind of poem is not so much on what the experience has meant to you, but what experience the poem creates in the reader. Your responsibility changes from being true to yourself to being true to the poem and giving the poem what it wants. Your poem is fine the way it is. Only if you want to make the poem into something different, and if the poem itself demands it from you, should you try anything else. I don't want to be on you back, TomMark. It's too much work and I'm too tired all the time. Luxuriate in the people who love your work. Have fun with it. Keep writing it. If I accidently say anything useful, use it. Ignore the rest, it's bound to be crap anyway. Affectionately, BobK. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Bob K, I believe what you said and i have been thinking of it and I am trying to write better. I sincerely thank you for all your comments and I cherish all of them. If you think that I am hopeless, trust me, you are not the only one. But I am trying as you can see. Thank you again and be patient!! You are very kind, dear Bob K. Tom |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear TomMark, So competitive! Why are you so wonderful as to be more hopeless than the rest of us? Makes me grumble. I doubt that you've filled enough wastebaskets to approach true hopelessness yet. Have you been declared a one woman ecological disaster area? Keep writing and wait for the EPA, you piker! There are still new depths of hopelessness to plumb. Also, feelings of hopelessness have very little to do with actual quality of writing. Except in my case, of course; I really suck. Hopelessly yours, BobK. |
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