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Bottled Water
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Bottled Water |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I am pretty sure of the meter in the first to lines, good enough. Bottled Water I am drinking bottled water from the Okefenokee Springs; it contains alligator droppings and many other things. I could get cleaner water from a puddle in my yard; but I wouldn’t be a special shopper and use my buy one get one card. But I have to have bottled water it makes me feel real hip, when I'm driving in slow traffic and I take a little sip. Now that Gal in the yellow convertible fills me with despair; She drinks one and talks on her phone while combing out her hair. She doesn't have three hands, I'm sure, but she does have quite a smile . she made me miss my exit it's back by half a mile. If I ever get to heaven and I am waiting to hear my fate, I'll sip on bottled water while I'm standing at the gate |
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| © Copyright 2007 My brother John. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
The church bell sounds so far away and I am feeling so very great "I should have thrown out that Charbay now we are going to be late" |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Chopsticks. "I am pretty sure of the meter in the first to lines, good enough." Well, Chopsticks, it ain't, because there is no correlation between meter and humor, and it doesn't get any better as the poem goes on. It's about on the level of the spelling and grammar in your prefatory remark above. Look, I appreciate the fact that you DO, in the sense of writing poetry and putting it out there. But at some point, you might want to think about what it is you think you are DO-ing, on a more critical level. Did you read this outloud to yourself, not in your head, but out loud with your speaking voice? Did you read this out loud to anyone else before posting it? Did they laugh? There may be a more polite way to say this, Chopsticks, but the WORK is not funny. YOU may be a funny and witty fellow indeed, but it hasn't yet translated to the page. There's a tough task at hand. Creating humor, making someone laugh, is among the more difficult poetic tasks. And it is not simply a matter of personal taste. The very same audience which laughs at The Three Stooges might laugh equally hard at the humor of Richard Pryor, Steve Martin, Lenny Bruce or Larry The Cable Guy, etc., etc. The point is that while humor need not be fashioned in any particular way, it needs to be structured, honed, tested and revised until it works. Most comic writers, and I'm just saying I've been there, and been paid up to $7,500 a week for it, throw out 90 percent of what they come up with. And even then, 5 percent of the 10 percent they keep and try out doesn't work. This is why sitcom's have laugh tracks. They're not funny. It might be worth taking a look at some comic poetic material, and trying to get a grasp on the spirit which animates it. It might help, it might not, but it won't hurt. Plug, plug, really, plug away until your work gets there. Or, look to what really MOVES you and work with that. And then, put it up and see what happens. Jim [This message has been edited by oceanvu2 (11-30-2007 01:50 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
"Lenny Bruce" Dang Jim, you have been around a while.  |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Not-A: Yep, I am old grizzled and cranky, but I'm still here. I could have put up Pigmeat Martin and Mom's Mabley, but they were old when I was young and listening to their records. The other thing that dates me, is the same type of work I did before now pays $18,500 a week, and that's scale. Truly laughing! Best, Jim |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Ocean, your comments were long winded and pompous ;but at least you didn’t nail me with something like this : “Tragic event, terrible poem. It's dead by line three. There's no draft. Bang. Poem over.” I am sure another one of the gang of eight will come along with a Coup De Grace which will say nothing to me, for reason a ego junkie would not understand. So pile on me ; but have a little mercy on the one’s that need your kind of mercy. "the same type of work I did before now pays $18,500 a week, and that's scale." I'm truly laughing too. That may have been funny if said by a comedian. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"Lenny Bruce" Dang Jim, you have been around a while" Not A poet, If being around for a while counted for anything on here, I would be by far the best. Btw, before you get upset , I'm not talking about this forum . |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nor I. If you actually read that instead of just copying it, you might discover that it was a comment on Jim's age which, of course, has nothing to do with "counting for anything" other than his age. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"The point is that while humor need not be fashioned in any particular way, it needs to be structured, honed, tested and revised until it works. " Very true. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“If you actually read that instead of just copying it, you might discover that it was a comment on Jim's age” Exactly Not A Poet, That why I said that I’m not talking about this forum. I wondered why you picked this thread to comment on Jim’s age. I knew precisely you were talking about Jim’s age , you know like how long he has been alive. I think it would have been a good time to comment about something beside Jim’s age; but you know what your motive was and so do I. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
So now I have some ulterior motive and you understand it? Geez, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that the're not out to get you. You may find that a little thicker skin could do you well in this forum. It's not always about you, after all. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"Lenny Bruce Dang Jim, you have been around a while" Not A Poet, I won’t ask you was that off topic , because it was and I could care less how much you go off topic ; but to call me thin skinned and paranoid when I call you on it, is not right. I’ll never call you are anybody on here a derogatory name. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The meter is off. And while this is kind of cute... I don't necessarily get it? I mean, bottled water absrobs chemicals from the plastic... alligator poop? Never heard of that. I think if you actually cut the cutesy stuff and wrote about the potential dangers of chemicals in the water, it could be interesting- you could even work in your cultural criticism with the idea of the plastic becomeing part of the drinker, etc., etc. Still, I'm not sure I entirely see the value of this type of criticism... my mind still wonders why this narrator cares so much about the bottled water, and why is so annoyed by its drinkers? Hope this helped. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“The meter is off. And while this is kind of cute... I don't necessarily get it? I mean, bottled water absrobs chemicals from the plastic... alligator poop? Never heard of that. I think if you actually cut the cutesy stuff and wrote about the potential dangers of chemicals in the water, it could be interesting- you could even work in your cultural criticism with the idea of the plastic becomeing part of the drinker, etc., etc. Still, I'm not sure I entirely see the value of this type of criticism... my mind still wonders why this narrator cares so much about the bottled water, and why is so annoyed by its drinkers? Hope this helped.” Hi Hush, You got the critique over with the first four words and then go on to tell me how I should have written the poem. Not all plastics leach chemicals into the water and the ones that do you would have to drink 10 bottles a day for the next two hundred years for them to cause any harm. Alligator poop is the same as chicken poop only it comes from an alligator. A poem about chemicals in the water would be very boring and has been done many times. The poem has no meter or redeeming social value, so as the poet says let’s just leave it at that. I wrote the poem for fun but still hoped to make a lot of money from it, that’s down the toilet now. Thanks for the reply. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yeah, I always want to make a lot of money from my stuff. It never seems to work out that way. Why is that? |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Heartlessness. if I am right, sir Brad  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You see, you do get it. That's why you can't understand my stuff. You keep looking for that heart. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
my dear Sir Brad, I only read your mind because your heart is in Korea. Do please not take it seriously, I was only joking in last statement.I do know that big trees root deep.Of course your poem has it is heart and roots. I shall leave you alone because I do not want to torture a young, kind heart. truly. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ I do know that big trees root deep.” And every Fall we have to clean up after them. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Alligator poop is the same as chicken poop only it comes from an alligator.' Thanks sweety... I didn't know that. I don't remember ever having gator poop in my water tho... Quit acting like a child. Why don't you post your poems in open where everyone will give you an "All Right! Great!" Since that's apparently what you're looking for. And for the record, I was actually trying to be nice, and give you my honest reactions. Sheesh. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Alligator poop is the same as chicken poop only it comes from an alligator.' Thanks sweety... I didn't know that. I don't remember ever having gator poop in my water tho... Do you remember ever having frog or lizard poop in your in your water. I bet you have had stuff in your water that you never dreamed of. If you ever saw them load raw sugar in San Juan PR, you may never use sugar again . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Quit acting like a child. Why don't you post your poems in open where everyone will give you an "All Right! Great!" Since that's apparently what you're looking for.” Are you trying to be nice in that quote ? Hush, how in the world could you possibility know what I’m looking for . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “And for the record, I was actually trying to be nice, and give you my honest reactions. Sheesh.” When you said that you had never heard of alligator poop, your credibility went down hill fast. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Did any of you ever take a look at this forum: Eratosphere ? Consider the way they give critique over there and what kind of manners they show. I don't agree with some of the things they expect in the Guidelines. But something works there, because whenever I look in any poetry thread there are always respectful critiques and responses back to the critiques. I think it would do us better to follow those kind of examples. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
They aren't the only ones. But what do you disagree with there? |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Dear Mr.Brad, How are you? I have taken some time to read your poems and they are all very touching and wonderful. I am patiently waiting for you to make further revelation on some unclear points. Until then, I certainly want to immensely enjoy myself with each word of them, Sire. Sincerely yours Tom Marktoo This is what Sir Essorant want. Formality and style. Tom |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Just some of the stipulations: such as only being able to use your real name and have an e-mail address that isn't free (such as a hotmail address). But I may see some virtue in only allowing members to use their real name. If people have the reputation of their posts and how they behave attached to their own real name, instead of some made up username, they probably will be more careful about the way they bear themselves in the forum. Also, according to this page new members also need some sort of "approval" and may not post poetry until they post at least fifteen critiques. Actually, I think expecting a new member to post critiques beforehand is a great idea. Fifteen critiques seems a bit much though. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Well I do encourage those, Tom. But most of all I am just suggesting better manners. Certainly better than some we are seeing in this and some other threads. And I certainly include my own among approaches / manners of critiquing that may need some serious improvement. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Did any of you ever take a look at this forum: Eratosphere ?” I posted a few time at Eratosphere and had some fun there. That was a few years back ,. I don’t know why I left . Essorant your approaches and manners of critiquing are fine, they are from the heart. Even when you seem to come over the top it is from your love for writing . Now I remember why I left Eratosphere. I wrote a poem just for fun that had no redeeming value and one of the members insisted on critique it . I knew I couldn’t write fun poetry there. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (12-05-2007 09:29 AM).] |
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Yejun Junior Member
since 2007-11-21
Posts 49 |
Ha! Fun poetry, that's the ticket! |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ Ha! Fun poetry, that's the ticket!” Yejun, I know you are right. We need all kinds of poetry, fun poetry, serious poetry, l - - e poetry and yes the mysterious language poetry. ( Thank you Tomtoo ) We need poets that are not afraid to write because they think someone will not get it. ( Thanks again Tomtoo ) Btw, the expression ~ That’s the ticket~ is at least a hundred years old. I read it in a letter a few days ago that was written a hundred years ago. TAXI [This message has been edited by chopsticks (12-06-2007 08:47 AM).] |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
You are welcome and welcome again. Why Taxi? If you want people to wave at you? Tomtoo |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“Why Taxi “ Tom there was a pitcher for The Baltimore Orioles that would say that when the manager took that long walk out to the mound to take him out of the game, at least that is what the catcher told my brother. I say that in memory of two loveable human beings . |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Yes, I think so too. I don't like the idea of separating free verse and meter and I don't really understand the whole idea of multiple critique forums (except to reroute heavy traffic -- not a problem here). I guess it all comes down to expectation. I like being surprised. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Chops, I enjoyed this poem very much. It has some minor problems with context and meter, but very minor. What I'm seeing in this thread bothers me though. Everyone seems to critcize, but no one is giving, what I'd consider, constuctive input and many posts don't even address the poem. Some of these posts are completely full of it. If someone thinks there is no alligator poop in Okefenokee water, they should get off their dead behinds and prove it.....In doing so they might learn something: Quote: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Okefenokee offers so much, one could spend a lifetime and still not see and do everything. The refuge is vast, with almost 402,000 acres (that’s roughly 300,000 football fields in size) of cypress forest, marsh, lakes and islands. Filled with alligators, Sandhill cranes, red-cockaded woodpeckers and over 400 other species of animals, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ http://www.hmdb.org/marker.asp?marker=14657 Here are some suggestions chops that (I) think will help this poem, though it needs little help, and I kinda get the feeling you're being ganged up on in this thread too. It's no wonder you follow me around commenting on my posts, if this thread is the example you have to follow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bottled Water I am drinking bottled water from the Okefenokee Springs; it (has) alligator droppings and many other things. I (might) get cleaner water from a puddle in my yard; (when I'm not) a special shopper (with a) buy one get one card. But I (need that) bottled water ('cause) it makes me feel (so) hip, - ("feel real" seems a little tinny here) when I'm driving in slow traffic and I take a little sip. Now that Gal in (her) convertible fills me with (great) despair; (As she drinks one on her cell phone) while combing out her hair. She doesn't have three hands, I'm sure, but () does have quite a smile . She made me miss my exit it's back (there) half a mile. If I ever get to heaven's (home) And waiting (for) my fate. I'll sip (my) bottled water while I'm standing at the gate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [This message has been edited by turtle (03-01-2009 07:13 PM).] |
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