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Critical Analysis #2
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My Hatred Runs Deep Like The Roots In The Ground
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My Hatred Runs Deep Like The Roots In The Ground |
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MindBeyondBody Junior Member
since 2007-08-02
Posts 14Florida,United States |
Hatred for you burns in my heart like a never ending flame. Engulfing me like a uncontrollable forest fire. I cant seem to look you in the face anymore. To much hatred running through my viens like a IV. Hatred spewing through my pores and every orifice You can smell it in the air like a rotting corpse I can see it in your eyes,you feel the same way to my friend Hatred has taken control,it holds you in its tight grip. Never letting up,squeezing the life out of you. You cant seem to let the hatred die down in your heart. A part of you wants the hatred to stay and grow. It just gets stronger effecting every cell in your body like a infectouis disease You know there is no cure for this deep seeded hatred in your heart. Nothing else seems to matter now not your family or friends nothing. You cant even eat anymore because you taste hatred everything is so bitter. You ask god to help you but its to late my friend. You have crossed over to the point where there is no return. all what is left is to let the hatred continue to grow. Hatred for you has consumed my soul to and has takin control of my mind Everywhere i turn everywhere i go i feel trapped. i cant seem to escape this feeling im even haunted in my dreams As days turn in to weeks and months then years. The hatred for you grows stronger as time passes. Ive become a different person i cant seem to look in the mirror anymore. All i see is hatred for you everytime i see myself. we are so different but were so alike our hatred for each other have changed us Molded us into the same person everytime i see you i see a carbon copy of myself. What have i become god have mercy upon my soul i let hatred take control and it has consumed me sucking the life out of me like a black hole Im a Lost Soul i will never rest even after my death i will be tormented stuck roaming the earth for a eternity |
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| © Copyright 2007 Konrod Clarke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
First things first, I suppose. It would be a good thing to clean up the spelling and the grammar. As far as I can tell, this is an exercise in 'automatic' writing. That's fine but I think it slows the reader down when we have to trip through that maze. By the way, we all, or at least I, have to do things like that all the time.  |
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MindBeyondBody Junior Member
since 2007-08-02
Posts 14Florida,United States |
Automatic writing writing material that does not come from the conscious thoughts of the writer or writing in a trance type state.no |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Which doesn't mean you shouldn't clean it up. |
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MindBeyondBody Junior Member
since 2007-08-02
Posts 14Florida,United States |
ok so what else do i have to work on other then my grammar and spelling |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ok so what else do i have to work on other then my grammar and spelling “ Ok, so what else do I have to work on, other than my grammar and spelling ? The above should happen before you do automagic writing. Btw, I got a “C” in English 101, but that was before they invented the A or B. [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-02-2007 12:50 PM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Second, I would look at the linebreaks. For most of the poem, it feels like each line represents a thought. I would break those up, use the linebreaks to emphasize what you want and demphasize what you don't. A lot more enjambment would definitely help the reader to read it more smoothly. Third, I would look at the idea, you have two. One, hatred takes over. Two, an awareness that hatred takes over. What, if anything, results from that awareness? If nothing happens then let's put that on the table as well. Good luck. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- I think this comes under the heading of a "rant," and there is nothing wrong with ranting. However, a "rant" requires precision in language, something that sets the "rantor" above the "rantee." The use of spelling and punctuation can't be reduced to an "aside from that." The power of the form IS that. Best, Jim  |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear MindBeyondBody, OKAY! Hate can be terrific energy for a poem. Yeah, folks are right about spell-check—you can do that easily. Why not think about things and details. Make them playful, if you can. "Rotting corpse?" Why not go after A specific animal or person (playfully, again; remember?). "I feel trapped?" You bet you do!, but why not play with where you feel trapped. Poems are serious business, but the language has to be about the adventure of sound; the fun of it. As you start to plug various specifics into your text, watch as the poem starts to take off in directions you hadn't predicted. Try to listen to what the poem ityself seems to want from you, not what you're supposed to do to the poem. It's more of an adventure that way. You and your poems both deserve that sense of discovery and surprise. Go for it, MindBeyondBody person. Sincerely, Bob K |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The title of this has amazing cadence and flow. No part of the rest of the poem (rant) pulls me in like the title does, and it's not even that the title is especially unique or new (although it is more unique and descriptive than most of the rest of what you wrote here) but pay attention to the way it flows. I suck at meter, so maybe someone else here with more experience in the area can correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it perfectly iambic? The way I'm stressing it in my head it is... |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
A second look at the first line. / x / x / x / x / x / x / x / Hatred for you burns in my heart like a never ending Flame [This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-05-2007 07:05 AM).] |
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
Wow, Don't sugar coat it. The hell with sublety, Tell us how you really feel. I can't find fault with the previous comments. If you are going to submit a piece to a critique forum, you should take the time to clean up the spelling and grammar. It saves everyone a lot of time. "Hatred for you burns in my heart like a never ending flame. Engulfing me like a uncontrollable forest fire." Metaphors are always more powerful than a simile. My hatred for you is a never ending flame, I am engulfed by an uncontrollable forest fire. "I cant seem to look you in the face anymore. To much hatred running through my viens like a IV." "seem" weakens this line. Can you look her in the face or not? I am assuming this is addressed to a woman, but you don't give us a clue who the object of all this venon might be. "Hatred spewing through my pores and every orifice" Ok, now you use a metaphor. Did you really think about this image. You have made your hatred a form of dysentary. "You can smell it in the air like a rotting corpse" I can see it in your eyes,you feel the same way to my friend Hatred has taken control,it holds you in its tight grip. Never letting up,squeezing the life out of you. You cant seem to let the hatred die down in your heart." At this point, I think there is little hope for this relationship. "A part of you wants the hatred to stay and grow. It just gets stronger effecting every cell in your body like a infectouis disease You know there is no cure for this deep seeded hatred in your heart." "deep seeded" is a good image. The common expression is "deep seated". "Seeded" is a better choice, if that is what you intended "Nothing else seems to matter now not your family or friends nothing. You cant even eat anymore because you taste hatred everything is so bitter. You ask god to help you but its to late my friend. You have crossed over to the point where there is no return. all what is left is to let the hatred continue to grow." This section is an indictment of the person you are addressing, but at the same time you confess to the same crime. Switching the theme in mid poem is confusing. "Hatred for you has consumed my soul to and has takin control of my mind Everywhere i turn everywhere i go i feel trapped. i cant seem to escape this feeling im even haunted in my dreams As days turn in to weeks and months then years. The hatred for you grows stronger as time passes. Ive become a different person i cant seem to look in the mirror anymore. All i see is hatred for you everytime i see myself. we are so different but were so alike our hatred for each other have changed us Molded us into the same person everytime i see you i see a carbon copy of myself. What have i become god have mercy upon my soul i let hatred take control and it has consumed me sucking the life out of me like a black hole" If this is the first draft of the piece, I can understand the roughness. It falls short on all technical points. A lot of strong emotion is projected, but not really any substance. You give us no clue to what the source of the animosity is, or the nature of the dispute. It is a rant and if it was written just to vent your anger, I hope it served its purpose, but as a poem intended to show something to its reader, it does not work. Good luck with this one. Type II poet. Its worth the work. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
MindBeyondBody, It strikes me that I haven't seen any reccomendations for reading around here. Perhaps it's because I'm new. But there are other people in the world who seem to be struggling with the same sort of technical problems and point of view problems that you're working with; and seeing what they're doing and how they're doing it is really useful for a poet. Even if you hate what you see, hatred is good information for a guy too, especially if you can take a few minutes and see what it is that's bugging you. That said, why not try Thomas Lux, who's certainly used automatic writing from time to time, Paul Eleuard—I may have mis-spelled his last name—author of Capital of Pain, Guilliame Appolinaire, and look through some Robert Bly anthologies to see if there's anything that catches your attention. The point is, read until you find a temporary somebody who has something you like to show you about his or her work. Try Galway Kinnell's The Book of Nightmares; it might make your hair stand on end, especially if you try reading parts of it out loud. Best of luck. BobK |
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jupitures daughter Junior Member
since 2007-11-14
Posts 10 |
mindbeyondbody i write this from a like or not like point of view and i did find this poem confusing. hate is so powerfull and all consuming when fed with extra dark thoughts. this can be the basis for very powerful writing. interesting thankyou j.d. |
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