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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Trip |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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She dosed herself with all the words necessary to find melting faces on an airplane ride and serenity in strange places "Drink your orange juice, and- try to nail your eyelids shut," It's difficult, but nothing worth it is ever easy On the count of three, she buckled her seatbelt, took a breath and woke up there, standing with heavy shoulders "It's almost like fear and loathing," Her carpet coated tongue flowing as eyes searched for something recognizable among this flashing multiplex She dosed herself with all the thoughts necessary to keep her sane clutching bag in hand and waiting for his familiar face. [This might be the beginning, this might be the end, this might be the middle, I don't know what it is.] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: You could just call it good and leave it at that. I do have some minor gripes which I’ll come back to once I’ve ruminated over their validity but on the whole I liked this. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I love your style, lady. You write with a seemingly detached observance and yet maintain a quality of intimacy. A balance that I admire much, because when I read you, I can see what you describe, and I can feel the emotion--or more aptly emotion(s)--because you do capture the human element of the emotional swirl of the heart. And that--always translates for me.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Like Grinch, I can quibble (Really, only one line and maybe two other words). But, besides the obvious resonance for us, I'm kind of curious if one of the movies was about a certain Firefly. Favorite line: "It's almost like fear and loathing." Though, I'll be honest, it's a good book but a bit overrated by many of my friends. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
OK I’ve ruminated and I still like it apart from the following minor gripes. "Drink your orange juice, and- try to nail your eyelids shut," It's difficult, but nothing worth it is ever easy I don’t like the hyphen or ‘and’ at the end of the line, I’d suggest moving ‘try’ to the end of the first line instead and perhaps lose the comma so it reads as a continuous statement: "Drink your orange juice and try ‘Try’ at the end of the line serves the same purpose as the hyphen in that the reader rushes to the next line to find out what has to be tried. nothing worth it is ever easy I keep stumbling between ‘it’ and ‘is’ which breaks the smooth flow, the only thing I could come up with was to use ‘worthy’ instead, that way you could lose the ‘it’ which evens the line out. as eyes searched for something recognizable The meaning is ok but the word recognizable makes a long line seem overlong, the problem is I’m struggling to offer an alternative, in 30 minutes all I’ve managed is this: as eyes searched for recognition Which might blur the meaning a little. Like I said at the start, I like this and my minor gripes are just that, minor, so the usual disclaimer that applies to all my comments should be heeded: I might be an idiot; I probably don’t know what I’m talking about; feel free to just ignore me and what I say etc. etc. Oh, and did I mention I liked this? |
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