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The Day Begins
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Day Begins |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
The sun gathers back the night with thin fingers of light and we come together like the ocean to the land. I am the sand and when you swell over me you take my breath away as you ebb and flow, ebb and flow. caterina |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Caterina, Well I guess I'm the first to to have a crack at yer poem.  "The sun gathers back the night with thin fingers of light and we come together like the ocean to the land." Loved the first stanza, thought it was well worded and created a nice image. Flowed pretty good too. "I am the sand and when you swell over me you take my breath away as you ebb and flow, ebb and flow." Personally, I would have preferred you showed us the picture instead of told us. The metaphor is already set by the last two lines of the first stanza and I felt that this stanza might have been better represented if you simply described the ocean constantly flowing atop the land in a passionate way. Just my little old opinion. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina Nice sound, some very nice imagery. I have just a small difficulty with the metaphor itself. Detail: The sun gathers back the night with thin fingers of light >> An achievement - a description of dawn not seen by this reader before and a pleasing one at that. Good work! and we come together like the ocean to the land. >> This is the area I have problems with. I think it's the phrase "we come together", suggesting as it does that you weren't together before (presumably asleep). My take on the ocean and the land is that they are always together at a particular linear point (is that an oxymoron?). (Which in itself might be a suitable metaphor for a couple who are close even in sleep, i.e. unconsciously always together - but it wasn't quite what I think you intended). You perhaps think I am nitpicking here, and in a longer poem where the metaphor wasn't such a vital part of the whole experience I would doubtless have glossed over the point, but in such a short piece the central metaphor imo has to be absolutely watertight (if you'll forgive the pun). I am the sand >> like Trevor I wasn't too keen on the "tell" emphasis of this line at first. On reflection though I think it's necessary. It's so crucial that the reader appreciates with precision that the speaker (presumably female) is the land and the other party (presumably male) the ocean that, given the problem I have identified with the metaphor, this line is essential. and when you swell over me you take my breath away as you ebb and flow, ebb and flow. >> And the closure I like. The whole piece has a nice gentle and tastefully executed eroticism which makes a change from the usual banal rubbish that hits the net in this genre. Rob |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Trevor, Glad you liked the first stanza. I differ in opinion with you on the second stanza however. Aside from saying "I am the sand" ( and that line is essential btw) I think everything else that follows is very descriptive. So, it is going to stay as is. I am glad you voiced your opinion though-- I like that. Thankyou caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rob, Yes, I see what you mean-- that the ocean and land coming together are a constant with no separation at any time. See, this is why I like a crit, to get an objective eye and catch the foibles that we miss now and again-- unfortunately with me, I make a lot of foibles. lol What about this and we are or and we are one like the ocean to the land. Do you feel that would remedy the problem? And yes, the line "I am the sand" you hit it right on the nose, that line is definitely essential. Thankyou for the crit Rob. The fact that you stated "tastefully executed eroticism" is exactly what I wanted. Thanks again. caterina |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Caterina, "I differ in opinion with you on the second stanza however. Aside from saying "I am the sand" I should have been more clear, that was the only line I was referring to. I think it weakens the second stanza because it tells the reader instead of letting the imagery naturally show. And I'll explain why... Hi Rob, "like Trevor I wasn't too keen on the "tell" emphasis of this line at first. On reflection though I think it's necessary. It's so crucial that the reader appreciates with precision that the speaker (presumably female) is the land and the other party (presumably male) the ocean that" I have to disagree with you Rob. "I am the sand and when you swell over me" Both these sentences describe who the author is..the sand..."you swell over me"..."swell" in this context is a word readily associated with the ocean and "you", identifies the character. "you swell" is the same as saying, "he is the ocean"(I'll take the liberty of assuming the poem is about the author and her man). Therefore, in my opinion, it is incorrect to say that "I am the sand", is crucial in defining who the author is. The author is clearly defined by defining who the other character is.."you swell".....Which shows through imagery who the characters are, whereas, "I am the sand", tells the reader what they were going to find out in the next line anyways. I think it becomes a mute line, therefore redundant and unnecessary. Maybe there is an arguement for keeping that line only to protect the flow of the poem, but that can also be maintained by adding a more relative line. Just my opinion. Thanks again for the read Caterina, and thank you Rob for yet another interesting conversation. Trevor |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina and Trevor Interesting. I’m inclined to think that the loss of “come together” is no loss. For one thing it is, on reflection, overused, and for another some people might, er, give it a wider connotation than you perhaps intended which could add a more “basic” dimension than you intended to the sensual imagery. Also I can’t see why you shouldn’t go for a full bloodied metaphor (as opposed to a simile) and have: The sun gathers back the night with thin fingers of light ... ... we are the ocean and land. The problem of course is that the linkage and flow are lost; sacrificed to a clearer meaning imo. Over to you caterina! However with the metaphor as clear as it now is I’m inclined to agree with Trevor! Sorry Caterina! It’s a pity to lose sand altogether though, resonating as it does with land. Maybe in S2 something like: Swell over my sand, take my breath away, ebb and flow, ebb and flow. I’m sure you can do much better than that, and even now I certainly don’t dislike the “I am the sand” line. It’s just that I think Trevor’s view is more valid if S1 becomes totally unambiguous. Rob |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Your points are well taken gentlemen and I have done a revision which I will post here instead of starting another thread. Maybe this will clear up this debate between you two. The Day Begins The sun gathers back the night with thin fingers of light bringing us together like the ocean reaches to land, and when you rise and swell against me, I surge with the tide as we ebb and flow, ebb and flow. As you can see I have taken care of the sand line and it seems to work quite well. Although I do not have that internal rhyme which I liked... it sounds fine without it, to my ear anyway. Thankyou both for your input. caterina |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina I like this better. Pity about losing sand, but I agree that it still reads well. Just one small thing. I wondered whether “touches the” instead of “reaches to” might help the sound with a little gentle alliteration with “together” while at the same time picking up the action of the earlier “fingers” more explicitly. The other point is that (at the risk of being utterly boring!) “reaches” does have the slight suggestion again that something (the ocean) is moving towards something else (the land) and has not always been there, i.e. my previous objection all over again. “Touches” on the other hand suggests, to me anyway, a more static and perhaps permanent relationship. Anyway, I promise to leave this alone now. Rob |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rob, I welcome all suggestions so don't worry about leaving it alone. Sometimes it takes a little time for things to sink into my head also... but eventually it does. I appreciate your suggestions and Trevors and anyone one else that wishes to bring something to my attention. Yes, I agree with you on the "touch the," I am going to use that-- it works much better. Ok, I think it is a wrap then, I would like to think so anyway-- but you never know. Thankyou for your help. caterina |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
This is what I like to see. I think your poem has certainly improved with the helpful advice of these two guys (even if one of them DID write "banal rubish").  I do agree with Rob that the sound of the last line of the first strophe suffers a bit with "reaches". "Like" also pricks my ear a bit, considering the beach sounds I want to hear when I read this poem. I'm not sure if I like adding "as" in lieu of "like" at the beginning of the line ... just not sure. The sound would certainly improve but ... I'm just not sure. I like the poem. "Tasteful eroticism" certainly describes it well enough and I enjoyed the read (and the replies). Thanks. Jim |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Jim, Glad you like it and yes I have had a lot of help. I am still thinking on this one and I thought of something else that might work wherein I might be able to keep the sand line. Rob and Trevor if your around maybe you could let me know what you think. In the 1st stanza 4th line like the ocean touching the shore 1st line 2nd stanza I am the sand Would that work, do you think? or just set my mind to getting rid of the sand line altogether? Once something has set in-- it is so hard to cancel it out. Anyway, it sounds good to me but I could be wrong, I don't know. Thanks caterina |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Another Gem! You are blessed with a very artistic imagination! The only problem I had and still have is with the imagery of the sun gathering the night back with fingers of light. My experiences with sunrises do not harmonize with this vision. Instead, I see the sun as pushing the night ahead of it or slowly dispelling or dispersing it. But gathering it back? Back in which direction? West? If indeed the Sun would gather back the night to itself, then the night would be seen as receding east toward the direction of the sun itself. But it recedes west, AWAY from the sun. In a sense, the sun pushes the night ahead of it. Perhaps: "The sun disperses the night...." God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-29-2002 11:52 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Cat. In my opinion, I like the change to L4, S1 but still think that "I am the sand" doesn't need to be there. Also if you change L4 you might want to consider L3 "come together" for some rewording that would go better with touching. Just a thought. Talk to ya later, Trevor |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Ok, the sand line definitely goes then and yeah, I'll still work on this-- see what I can do with the together line and touching. That was great Trevor, thanks for following through on this one with me. Couldn't have done it without everyones help. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rad, Good point and I am going to have to think on that one. I'll get back to you. Glad you enjoyed. Btw, when are you going to post a poem-- would love to see some of your work. caterina |
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