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Critical Analysis #2
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Humanity vs. Mother nature
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Humanity vs. Mother nature |
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StormyB Junior Member
since 2007-07-18
Posts 42Ohio Usa |
The sun nor moon touch The planets are crossed The watcher tingling at the sight No harm will happen to the heavenly tonight The moon and the sun interfere with desire Seeing awakened stars crashed by hells fire Patiently calm nerves racing Beyond insane curves Northern lights strike rain in heaven Personal shocks cloud most of their laughing Reward for the changes Life still happens *This was part of a contest, I was given 80 pre-picked words/ single letter combo to work with. Pure honesty please* |
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| © Copyright 2007 Michi Shenshu - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
Assignments like this are a good drill. An 80 word vocabulary is quite a restraint. Without the entire list, its difficult to say if this is the best choice, but what you have works or the most part. The Northerm lights are an aberation in the otherwise constant sky. I think if you concentrate on that image and the metaphor it brings, your limited words will serve well. The caps at every sentence and the lack of punctuation break up the read. The sun nor moon touch (touch what? 'sun and moon touch' is a chaotic metaphor, which suits the theme. The planets are crossed The watcher tingling at the sight> very good lines No harm will happen to the heavenly tonight this line reads awkward. The moon and the sun interfere with desire Seeing awakened stars crashed by hells fire The possesive 'hell's' was on the list? The moon and the sun crash with hell's fire, seeing awakened stars crashed by desire. Patiently calm nerves racing Beyond insane curves Northern lights strike rain in heaven Personal shocks cloud most of their laughing Reward for the changes Life still happens The last 4 lines could be rearranged in many ways. When you have a theme to work towards, a limited vacabulary is easier to work with. I hope this helps. |
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StormyB Junior Member
since 2007-07-18
Posts 42Ohio Usa |
Thankyou for your advice. I was aiming for the theme of a metor shower. "The planets are crossed", was a metapore of the metors filling the sky, making the planets appear out of line."Seeing awakened stars crashed by hells fire" they began to fall from the sky in balls of fire.( no hells wasnt one of the words, I created it out of the letters given)"Patiently calm nerves racing beyond insane curves" was meant to describe the rush you get from fear. "Northern lights strike rain in heaven" The sun comes up and the rain puts out any fires. Naturaly.. "Personal shocks cloud most of thier laughing" They are devistated by what just happen, but at the same time happy to have survived it. I agree completely that the caps ruin the flow, making it a difficult read. |
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
I see what you are working towards. Even with a limited vocabulary, a descriptive poem should not be an enigma. The best images are the ones that recreate the scene in the reader's mind. |
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