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Human Being
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Human Being |
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PoloniusFicklebottom Junior Member
since 2007-06-27
Posts 17 |
Let there be Man! and in an instant, that, was envisioned, each ab, gland, lash, and rib indent. all matter within him, was mapped and written, the brain was shaped, and a cardiovascular system. over time, this mind, formed from trial and error, would inherit earth, with each child born, arrived a new era. Time would gaze in amazement, as nature produced a backdrop arrangement. -then came them. molars molded, the iris in eyelids frontal lobes and vessels behind it. letting light in, zooming, limitless, focusing, fusing data, producing an image. hands at command, pillars that support weight, were designed to perform and exert force, legs. sound deciphered in wavelengths, and a voice capable of great strength. smell and a sense to feel right and wrong meet, imagination, stronger than iron, steel and concrete. a soul, invisible, paired with a free will, was able to choose a place among good or evil. Love that none could shake, none could sway, none could change, even in disarray. they, Man and Woman, have life now, and the universe would bow, as a God stood upright, proud. -for, they are he, they are she, and they are we. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi PoloniusFicklebottom! Given your amusing handle, it's a little hard to tell whether your poem is a put-on, a serious contribution, or an advertisement for your well executed though still apparently under construction website. Fearing to rush in as fools and the fooled are wont to do, I leave the poem alone until, perhaps, some clarification of intent. Best, Jim  |
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PoloniusFicklebottom Junior Member
since 2007-06-27
Posts 17 |
My Dear Mr Ocean, I am not familiar with the term "put on". [and yes the website has yet to blossom] This poem was merely my serious contribution to the thread. I suppose i should critique some more, which i have done moreso in the "Open Poetry #40" thread. have a great day! "Every day is yours to create!" |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Polonious! No offense meant. We have a poster in another forum posting under the name "GOD," whose intent is high silliness. No problem with high silliness, or high seriousness under an odd name. Just checking. On the poem: In the beginning, so to speak, the punctuation and sentence structure is a little confusing. You might want to look at: Let there be Man! and in the instant, that was envisioned, "each ab, gland, lash, and rib indent, all matter within him, was mapped and written, the brain was shaped, and a cardiovascular system." Would the last line, above, be redundant? A reiteration of "all matter within him?" Below, the internal logic seems a little confused over time, this mind, formed from trial and error, would inherit earth, We go from "in an instant" to "over time," quite likely intentional, but formed from trial and error" is confusing. I'm pretty sure you don't mean God's trial and error, but you might mean "shaped through trial and error," and even that is ambiguous. "inherit earth" is not particularly fresh. I get the sense of your thought, but you might want to look at the execution. with each child born, arrived a new era. Time would gaze in amazement, as nature produced a backdrop arrangement. -then came them. Again, some confusion on the "instant" vs. "time" thing. I also wonder about the personification of "Time" and "nature." These are frequently used devices, but, in the context of this poem, do you really want to personify these concepts in the same way you you personify "God?" The slant rhyme of "amazement" and "arrangement" seems forced here. The lines below indicate you can be very skillful with it. molars molded, the iris in eyelids frontal lobes and vessels behind it. letting light in, zooming, limitless, focusing, fusing data, producing an image. In the above, the poem gets going. Good images, good slant rhyme, and great music -- your conscious play with with rhythm, assonance, and consonance. hands at command, pillars that support weight, were designed to perform and exert force, legs. In the above two lines, I'm not sure that you need to explain that "pillars that support weight) are "legs," except to get to the rhyme. sound deciphered in wavelengths, and a voice capable of great strength. Above lines seem back on track. Below, the association of the ability to "smell" with the ability to make moral distinctions seems a bit awkward and the choice to make the meet/concrete seems forced. smell and a sense to feel right and wrong meet, imagination, stronger than iron, steel and concrete a soul, invisible, paired with a free will, was able to choose a place among good or evil. The implication of the above two lines is that good and evil represent some kind of continuum, and a "soul" can choose to place itself anywhere along the line. Is their a clearer word than "among?" Love that none could shake, none could sway, none could change, even in disarray. If you are referring to a spiritual bond between man/woman and God, OK. If you are referring to temporal love, it seems to be always in disarray. they, Man and Woman, have life now, and the universe would bow, as a God stood upright, proud. Do you mean to make distinctions in the above between God and the universe, between God and "a God?" If God, why would "he" stoop, actually, to be "proud?" Is God presumably above such earthly notions as pride? Or do I misread your above lines altogether? -for, they are he, they are she, and they are we. Can't quibble with that! Hope you will continue to post in this forum as well as in Open Poetry. You won't find "flamers" or personal attacks in here. You will find people with many different points of view. Take all with a grain of salt, or maybe a whole salt shaker! Best, Jim |
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PoloniusFicklebottom Junior Member
since 2007-06-27
Posts 17 |
[responses by Ficklebottom] [ahh, i see. well, since you took the time to critique, i will take the time to respond!] Let there be Man! and in the instant, that was envisioned, [yes, it is a grammatical nightmare. but i'm using "that" to describe man, which was being envisioned. this whole poem is meant to be dramatic, so the grammar takes a back seat to this wording which i think comes off as more powerful. You have just unearthed my writing style known as "Ficklebottom's Fonetics"!] "each ab, gland, lash, and rib indent, all matter within him, was mapped and written, the brain was shaped, and a cardiovascular system." Would the last line, above, be redundant? A reiteration of "all matter within him?" [again, you are right, i think i debated keeping that final line. i admit it appealed to me in the sense that it rhymed so well, and i believed that the brain and heart needed as much attention as the aforementioned body parts. it needed to end with them.] Below, the internal logic seems a little confused over time, this mind, formed from trial and error, would inherit earth, We go from "in an instant" to "over time," quite likely intentional, but formed from trial and error" is confusing. I'm pretty sure you don't mean God's trial and error, but you might mean "shaped through trial and error," and even that is ambiguous. "inherit earth" is not particularly fresh. I get the sense of your thought, but you might want to look at the execution. ["in an instant, that was envisioned" refers to god's conception of making man. "over time/formed from trial and error" is a reference to the eventual human evolution. "inherit earth" is pretty straightforward. i just liked how the two words compliment each other. the end of inherit forces the mouth to produce a sound that goes up in tone and come back down immediatly when saying "earth". more of "Ficklebottom's Fonetics"! The sounds are as important as the words] with each child born, arrived a new era. Time would gaze in amazement, as nature produced a backdrop arrangement. -then came them. Again, some confusion on the "instant" vs. "time" thing. I also wonder about the personification of "Time" and "nature." These are frequently used devices, but, in the context of this poem, do you really want to personify these concepts in the same way you you personify "God?" The slant rhyme of "amazement" and "arrangement" seems forced here. The lines below indicate you can be very skillful with it. [i'm glad you pointed out the amazement/arrangment predicament here. i agree and i had overlooked it because i was too busy concentrating on the lead-in of "gaze-in/amazement". As for time and God. This reflects my beliefs. i believe God made man through evolution. like i said before, he had the idea almost instantly, but took time through evolution to create the end product.] molars molded, the iris in eyelids frontal lobes and vessels behind it. letting light in, zooming, limitless, focusing, fusing data, producing an image. In the above, the poem gets going. Good images, good slant rhyme, and great music -- your conscious play with with rhythm, assonance, and consonance. ["Ficklebottom Fonetics" my freind! this is what you might call the poem's "breakdown". lol.] hands at command, pillars that support weight, were designed to perform and exert force, legs. In the above two lines, I'm not sure that you need to explain that "pillars that support weight) are "legs," except to get to the rhyme. [very true, but i loved the rhyme and it sounds nice and overdramatic! i write as if the poem was being read out loud as a recipe to the heavens.] sound deciphered in wavelengths, and a voice capable of great strength. Above lines seem back on track. Below, the association of the ability to "smell" with the ability to make moral distinctions seems a bit awkward and the choice to make the meet/concrete seems forced. [very true, there should have been a comma instead of "and". i admit, i was waiting a long time to use the "iron/stee/concrete" line.] smell and a sense to feel right and wrong meet, imagination, stronger than iron, steel and concrete a soul, invisible, paired with a free will, was able to choose a place among good or evil. The implication of the above two lines is that good and evil represent some kind of continuum, and a "soul" can choose to place itself anywhere along the line. Is their a clearer word than "among?" {i suppose you can be good or bad or both. for the sake of the mood, i am oversimplifying.] Love that none could shake, none could sway, none could change, even in disarray. If you are referring to a spiritual bond between man/woman and God, OK. If you are referring to temporal love, it seems to be always in disarray. [haha, i suppose love in any sense is sleeping leviathon. let's just say that Mr Ficklebottom's glass is half full and he believes that love is like heaven, it is what you make it.] they, Man and Woman, have life now, and the universe would bow, as a God stood upright, proud. Do you mean to make distinctions in the above between God and the universe, between God and "a God?" If God, why would "he" stoop, actually, to be "proud?" Is God presumably above such earthly notions as pride? Or do I misread your above lines altogether? [the universe is the world around man, which he has subdued for his own benefeit. "a god stood upright, proud" refers to the one and only God. the use of "a" is there only to say that he was next on the list to perform an action, and not that there were more gods in numbers OF Gods, but in the sense that different peopl ehave different visions of "God". So there remains one, but he takes many forms. I left the "a" in there for the simple reason that if you read my poem with me saying "the God", you might not agree with what my deifintion of God is. It is not my place to tell anyone their beliefs are wrong because, obviously, nobody knows for sure. and he didn't litteraly stand proud, but rather, was pleased with the creation of man. thanks again for the critique! have a great day!] -Ficklebottom! "Every day is yours to create!" -Polonius Ficklebottom poloniusficklebottom.org www.myspace.com/poloniusficklebottom |
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