Critical Analysis #2 |
Tobaggan Run |
poetninoit Junior Member
since 2007-06-10
Posts 20 |
Toboggan Run Hair is wild Face is red Silently screaming Intense breathing Bodies one Until the end [This message has been edited by poetninoit (06-11-2007 11:30 PM).] |
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© Copyright 2007 poetninoit - All Rights Reserved | |||
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Its a alright first but it needs more, and trying being a bit more descriptive. Since its in CA I am crittiquing it but I don't want to be harsh but its sounds very not cliche but the words don't make me notice a tobaggan run differently it doesn't strike my eye. Try making this longer with a bit more description and why are you together till the end? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Poetinoit: "Tobaggan" is spelled "Toboggan," but then, we know this isn't about a toboggan run anyway. Good metaphor. Good flow. Images are clear and relevant, but nothing pops out as startlingly fresh. Given the theme, "startlingly fresh" is really tough! Best, Jim |
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poetninoit Junior Member
since 2007-06-10
Posts 20 |
I'm glad someone noticed the metaphor. I guess it's not hard to pick out. I wrote this long ago. There was more to it before but i didn't like the other praragraphs. I liked the simplicity of the poem but now that i look at it on a computer it seems like it ends too fast. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Sorry, just got that, i was looking at it at like twelve at night a nother night of little or no sleep. I have finals in a week so i was reading and trying to study for a math test, everything lately is multi tasking. I get it now though. |
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