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Critical Analysis #2
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poetninoit
Junior Member
since 2007-06-10
Posts 20


0 posted 2007-06-10 07:53 AM


Toboggan Run
Hair is wild

Face is red

Silently screaming

Intense breathing

Bodies one

Until the end

[This message has been edited by poetninoit (06-11-2007 11:30 PM).]

© Copyright 2007 poetninoit - All Rights Reserved
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
1 posted 2007-06-10 10:06 AM


Its a alright first but it needs more, and trying being a bit more descriptive. Since its in CA I am crittiquing it but I don't want to be harsh but its sounds very not cliche but the words don't make me notice a tobaggan run differently it doesn't strike my eye. Try making this longer with a bit more description and why are you together till the end?
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
2 posted 2007-06-11 03:18 PM


Hi Poetinoit:  "Tobaggan" is spelled "Toboggan," but then, we know this isn't about a toboggan run anyway.  Good metaphor.  Good flow.  Images are clear and relevant, but nothing pops out as startlingly fresh.  Given the theme, "startlingly fresh" is really tough!

Best, Jim

poetninoit
Junior Member
since 2007-06-10
Posts 20

3 posted 2007-06-11 11:25 PM


I'm glad someone noticed the metaphor. I guess it's not hard to pick out. I wrote this long ago. There was more to it before but i didn't like the other praragraphs. I liked the simplicity of the poem but now that i look at it on a computer it seems like it ends too fast.
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
4 posted 2007-06-12 02:18 PM


Sorry, just got that, i was looking at it at like twelve at night a nother night of little or no sleep. I have finals in a week so i was reading and trying to study for a math test, everything lately is multi tasking. I get it now though.
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