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Iguana Boy
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Iguana Boy |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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This gunmetal night is no longer young My faith is no longer usda certified fresh And there’s something orange growing upon my tongue Tympanis of hatred roll and rumble Like storm clouds bristled with lightning And I feel my foot stance stumble. This head is no longer freshly shaven 30 hours of aftermath Made my head feel like an iguana. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Shake Junior Member
since 2006-11-17
Posts 40 |
Wow,it was kinda strange,but it was a good poem. I really felt some bigtime emotion in there. 6.5/10 "When the rich wage war,it's the poor that die."-- |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
This gunmetal night is growing old My faith is no longer USDA certified fresh And there’s something orange growing upon my tongue Orchestral confrontations roll and rumble Storm clouds bristling anew with lightning And I feel my foot stance stumble. My scalp has the sandy texture of an iguana And you're here But my voice is naught but an echo in a bra cup. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Paul -- Getting better all the time. Great Revision! Best, Jim |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
any more? -paul |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
I refer to your original here, because, imo, it is the better version - (This gunmetal night is no longer young) Excellent opening line. Original, and the 'n' sounds works well. (Gunmetal) modifying (night) is also clever, not only as a visual but in terms of setting up the theme. (My faith is no longer usda certified fresh) Normally, I'd be anti-repitition of (no longer), but I think you get away with it. And I like the (usda) bit, even if it reads a little long. (And there’s something orange growing upon my tongue) This is abstract but in a good way, I think. Not sure that I pick up the relevance of the colour - I mighta preferred something of a tad more gangrenous or reptilian variety. Or are iguanas toungues orange? You might trim (upon) to just on. I missed the fact that this poem rhymes here the first few times, which is a good thing, since it doesn't seem forced. (Tympanis of hatred roll and rumble) Do you mean tympanists? Not sure. It's a new word to me, but I like the sound of it. (Like storm clouds bristled with lightning) Excellent line here. (Bristled) sells it. (And I feel my foot stance stumble.) You might cut (I feel) here, just - And my foot stance stumbles. Nice attention to alliteration and rhyme. This strophe I see as the narrator/soldier bemused, well actually p*****-off, by the whole army marching-band, victory dance spectacle. (This head is no longer freshly shaven 30 hours of aftermath) Would prefer my instead of (this). Consider replacing (freshly), you've used it already. (30 hours of aftermath) is very cool. Morbidly ambiguous. Might be my fav line merely for way it gets the imagination moving. Aftermath of what? What cause? Don't answer that. (Made my head feel like an iguana.) More oddity. But I like the strange visual, texture, possibly now turned cold-blooded in the aftermath of tragedy vibe this simile provides. Damn good poem. Regards, Sampo. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
thank ye thank ye |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
if you're interested in getting this published, at least in e-zine form, i'd suggest - zafusy. they're into contemporary/abstract; a category into which this poem falls. anyway, something to mull. it has all the right ingredients, imo. regards, sampo. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
What does Tympanis mean? I like the originality, it is definetly different and abstract. What is the significance of USDA? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
you know... a tympani? the big bowl shaped drum used in bands and orchestras? usually 3 of them next to each other around one drummer? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Paul, revising my opinion after reading sampo's thoughts and rereading the two versions. The first has more potential. A couple of pickety things: The plural of "Tympanis" is "Tympanies." Line three: See if you like the sound of "on" better than upon. I really don't understand "Thirty years of aftermath." "Made my head feel like an iguana." A great image. I got hung up un the fact "feel" can be read as a verb, but I don't think I would change it. When I say "getting better," perhaps it should be "getting more sophisticated" all the time. The use off assonance, internal, and end rhyme is great here. Best, Jim |
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