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Critical Analysis #2
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minus
Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75


0 posted 2007-03-28 01:53 AM


this is the beginning of a thought process for me...i think there is some 'keeper', though the end still needs...

the caterpillared cadenza
ricochets rememberless afterimage
of concrete crying to be sand again,

watching the cherries break their flower
and mature to fall as forever
in an instant upon
her ivory stained tears,
defining cadence
with each rain drop
exploding on the window sill.

this still-life replay
savored with pith and subterfuge;
each kiss be new as trapping needle
in the chorus groove
of half-life strobe
teaching traffic
to obey this sign
with infinite eyes

again

© Copyright 2007 minus - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2007-03-28 04:11 PM


I don't hate this. I think there is some that works. The last full stanza is a huge YES to me. I think that the alliteration is a tad on the annoying side. (God, I sould like Simon Cowell) I still don't have a clear message. Poetry doesn't have to be cryptic. Sometimes it can be the only straight forward thiing we have.

Dane

minus
Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75

2 posted 2007-03-29 03:07 AM


alliteration...i'll have to look it up.  definition of any kind is beyond me at this point.  (alas, tools must be paid for...)

as far as the cryptic goes, i know no other way.  i write words that sound good together without much regard to their individual or collective definition--sometimes...i will post some more in the future that is not momentary stream of fractured consciousness.

[This message has been edited by minus (03-30-2007 01:39 AM).]

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