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A home without a wall, |
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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ghostly trees |
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han_tigger Member
since 2002-08-10
Posts 50Thundersley, Essex, Uk |
Ghostly trees. Ghostly tress do fill the night, Silver, shining with all there might. They show my fears, My hates, My cares, But then they show me that it’s not that bad, And that the stars are never sad. Amongst these trees I walk and run, And in my mind I cut them down, one by one, Until no fear I have at all, And all my dreams, i know, will never fall. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Hannah Inglis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Nice poem! Trees as symbols of our fears! Isn't it impressive how the subconscious fabricates our emotional life into the imagery of dreams! Thanks for sharing! God Bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (08-18-2002 08:47 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Han-tigger, First I want to welcome you to CA. Then I'll make some technical comments on you poem. In line 1 I suggest you eliminate do as it reads a little awkward, like you are inserting a word to make the meter right. Since this is free verse anyway, it isn't needed and it makes the wording sound wrong. In line 2, there should be their. Line 6 feels too long. I think you can leave out "me that" without hurting the context at all and it reads a lot easier and smoother. In line 8 change amongst to among. There is no reason to use an uncommon or archaic word when the modern one means exactly the same thing. Line 9 again feels too long but I don't have a good suggestion for it yet. It looks like you added "one by one" just to make the rhyme. I think you can find a way to end it with one where it doesn't seem forced. Well, an idea just occurred. When speaking of trees, fell means the same as cut them down. That might work better. Line 10 again has reversed wording which sounds like a put-on. You can change it to Until I have no fear at all and still maintain the meaning and rhythm. So, here is how it might look if revised along these lines. Ghostly tress fill the night, Silver, shining with all their might. They show my fears, My hates, My cares, But then they show it’s not that bad, And that the stars are never sad. Among these trees I walk and run, And in my mind I fell, one by one, Until I have no no fear at all, And all my dreams, i know, will never fall. Now with one exception, you have rhyming couplets. If you want, you could combine the existing 2 lines into, My hates, my cares although that does tend to lose some of the emphasis of your original. Finally, I hear a lot of complaints about capitalizing every line in this sort of poetry. I have traditionally always done that but I think I am beginning to appreciate their ideas. I have recently been trying it without all caps and think I do like it better. That, of course, is still a matter of opinion. Ok, this is all just opinion too. So ignore if you choose. Thanks, Pete |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Hi, han-tigger. Here's how I'd get the rhythm goin': Ghostly trees. Ghostly trees do fill the night, Silver shining in their might. They show my fears, My hates, My cares. And then they show it’s not that bad, and that the stars are never sad. Amongst these trees I walk and run. I cut them down, one by one. Until no fear I have at all. My dreams, i know, will never fall. Loved the idea of cutting down your fears.  Cool poem. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Ok first of all I have to say that rhyming is not my strong point, in fact it is darn hard to pull off, I feel that here it does not quite work, the images are interesting but the rhyming scheme seems a bit weak especially the lines "But then they show me that it’s not that bad, And that the stars are never sad." The trick I feel with rhymes is not finding the words to rhyme together but rather the sentences that lead up to the rhyming scheme. e.g "Played by the gate at the foot of the garden My view stretches out from the fence to the wall No words could explain, no actions determine Just watching the trees and the leaves as they fall" (ian Curtis/ joy division) I would suggest abandoning the rhyming scheme, doing it free verse, or least writing in free verse then trying to restruct it as rhyme. A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde |
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