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sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

0 posted 2007-02-26 09:28 AM

- between the darkness and the darkness
we gain the insight to know despair.

swift fingered minutes
are amputated
from the hand of an hour.

stumps that pluck
the crescendo
from a child's artery -

whose bones stretch,
whose heads fill
and empty,

whose faces
rust, sag then slump
into mahogony.

long dead fronds of light above
pierce the world
with languid silver strands,

as that ocean's black rip tide
keeps dragging men
beneath its surface -

you can see their eyes ripple.

fissure's crack into smirks below -
fangs with opaque venom,

and everything slides
from the podium
of dilating constellations.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2007-02-28 01:15 AM

I love a moody dark write like this every once in a while. Dilating constellations is a remarkable image, one I won't soon forget.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2007-03-02 11:39 PM

THIS is a darned good piece of work! You nailed it.

Jim

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2007-03-05 11:48 AM

This almost seems like three different poems... I think that

'- between the darkness and the darkness
we gain the insight to know despair.

swift fingered minutes
are amputated
from the hand of an hour.

stumps that pluck
the crescendo
from a child's artery -

whose bones stretch,
whose heads fill
and empty,

whose faces
rust, sag then slump
into mahogony.'

Stands alone as a very good poem- I would nix the dash at the beginning though, I think it's distracting. The rest seems tacked on to this main part- kind of overkill, unneccessary and meandering... not that the imagery isn't good, because it is... but maybe you could use the rest of it in a different poem?

Hope this helped.

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

4 posted 2007-03-06 05:47 AM

thank you for your comments.

hush - i agree with your analysis.
most of my stuff posted in crtique forums
has not been developed, i just like to see
which images work, or more importantly,
which ones do not work.

regards,

sampo.

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

5 posted 2007-03-28 01:30 AM

the beginning obviously hooked me, but there is some chop in the mid-section i do not have the academic mind to prescribe...keep whittling...it will make a good bow.

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