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Fresh Air
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fresh Air |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
Fresh Air I fit my head beneath the sands, but still the T.V. splashes shrouds before my eyes. A bloodied flu chokes the lungs and slays With splintering gasps. My ostrich act has failed. This child has rapid respiration, is she hurt? I watch her heave a thud against the weight of ribs, drag her leg from fragments of another world and I am here, mock physician from several hundred miles of blurring screens. I'd bind that leg and place the gauze into more expert folds, I'd barricade her lungs… But my sight is lost, washed away with the rubble of homes and red-washed sand. The small voiceless grains were stiffled on the ground, just like the air above that burst revealing a violent sun. My head should fit beneath the sands,and lift the grains to tower, my arms should hold the storm, quiesce the broken veins. I watch the flood but cannot form a clot. |
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| © Copyright 2006 emy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This was really confusing, try simplifying it a b it. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This sounds pretty intense, but I can't quite put my finger on the subject matter. To me is seems like the view of a person watching a fried die from an illness, but the last stanza it a bit to trippy. What are you going for with what you are saying. I would say simplify, but I would also say clarify. CS |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
rhia and christian thanks for your comments. If I say what it's about then it's failed. Back to the drawing board then.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not necessarily. I liked this one though I think shrouds should be shroud and stiffled should stifled. Oh, and I'd drop the ostrich line. The ending was impressive. Ever read 'ego-tripping' by Nikki Giovani? |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
Hi Brad, Thanks for your comment, yes I think ostrich act should go too, though I was pleased with it before, it doesnt seem to add anything. Thanks for directing me to Nikki Giovani, she's pretty cool. |
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