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Critical Analysis #2
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Home Harmony
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Home Harmony |
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Don_Juan Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252Far from where I am going 
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Home Harmony I. House Standing stalwart Crimson brick beating heart Repels a roaring wind. Storms rage Rippling through cloud canvas Skies. In the arms Of warming walls I am protected. II. Family Eyes glimmer And smiles pulsate From souls of love. Gathering daily Among a sunset Listening to daily tales We, children of children, Become the essence of life. III. Home Traveling far Along gnarled pathways Into shadows of worldly deceit I am reminded Often within the radiance Of phone tone harmonies That a beacon is lit where I belong. nice use of muffin [This message has been edited by Don_Juan (11-14-2006 10:40 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 John Lervezuk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
May I suggest editing and removing "a planned contest entry" from the title? Such an "advertisement" is an eyesore in a title. If you wish to mention this I think it may be more appropriate underneath your poem, where it is out of the way and doesn't stick out so much. I will come back to this. |
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Don_Juan Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252Far from where I am going |
Ok, that has been edited out. It had nothing to do with the poem, I just wanted people to take a serious look at the poem because I am planning on entering it into a contest. I'd like to know what lines work and what ones don't. also, any suggestions to fix certain things would be much appreciated. looking forward to the critique, -John nice use of muffin |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Considering this is CA , most people do take a serious look at the poems here. It needs more emotion, it seemed empty to me. Sounds detached. How about tying in a memory or expressing a feeling or explaining a bit. Warming walls didn't work for me either. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Are these meant to be Haiku's and Tankas? |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
How about just I, II, and III? It's pretty obvious you are talking about a house, a family, and how the two become home. I really like the first stanza. I agree that 'warming walls' is a little cloying, but other than that, the wholw first section works for me. Maybe you could try something like 'the warming arms of walls'- keeps your idea and words, but a little less sappy. Here's where I start having issues: 'Eyes glimmer And smiles pulsate From souls of love.' The opposite, to me, of being emotionaless- if I came home to glimmering eyes and pulsating smiles every day (how does a smile pulsate, anyway?) I would be creeped out, to be honest. And souls of love? The first part of this proves you can do better than that. 'Gathering daily Among a sunset Listening to daily tales We, children of children, Become the essence of life.' The close repetition of 'daily' does not work for me, and neither does the phrase 'among a sunset.' This whole bit about family seems too much to me- you portray every evening like a reunion after not having seen them for years. That's not realistic or believable. 'Traveling far Along gnarled pathways Into shadows of worldly deceit I am reminded Often within the radiance Of phone tone harmonies That a beacon is lit where I belong.' Really, the entirety of this section has cliches, too- worldly deceit? I do like your last two lines, though. Hope I helped. |
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Don_Juan Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252Far from where I am going |
I agree with you all. Thanks for the replies. I've decided to take this one way back to the paper and dismantle it a bit. thanks again, -John nice use of muffin |
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