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Live Forever or Die Trying
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Live Forever or Die Trying |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I know there are some Sonnet fans out there, can you give me some advice about how to make this attempt into one? I’ve slept with death at night, her kisses wet With whisperings that tell of my demise And though I’m not a man to place a bet I guess one truth is hidden in those lies. Mortality: To recognise one’s end, A curse on men who deign to dream at night, Joins fear that foul and uninvited friend, To bring each possibility to light. I understand that every man must die And hope that I can meet it with some grace One tear perhaps, shed sadly from my eye To mark my passing to some other place But dreams I fear plays tricks upon my mind When thinking of the pain I’ll leave behind. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I rather liked this in the form it is in. The storyline was ok, it was a bit too general. Putting more about this man and how he feels (you) would add context. Also almost every sentence was capitlized, and it takes away from it. Putting proper comas and such where it needs to be and uncapitlizing conjunctives and words that are only capitlized because they start a line would give it back to the poem. The rhyming was not the greatest, not forced but it was not very smooth. This may not have been what you wanted, as I am not the greatest source on sonnets so I critqued it as I would any poem. YOurs, RHia |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, of course, it is a sonnet already and a pretty good one too. The rhyme is correct. It may be a little easy but still not really predictable. We seem to have become too impressed by difficult or unusual rhyming but that is not what makes a sonnet. Maybe we have been overexposed by a few hundred years of these "little songs." With just a little thought on the reader's part, the meter is correct. I do have a couple of points on that later. The content is certainly worthy of a sonnet. I'm sure it has been done many times but so has almost any subject one might imagine and you have handled it well here, IMO. You obligatory turn at L9 is also good and I appreciate your closing couplet. Now for some techie points. Your wet/bet rhyme is probably the most predictable although still not trivial one in the poem. The enjambment related to wet disguises that wo as to not be obvious and makes it reasonably acceptable. Besides the wet kisses is such a good visual that I would not want to change it anyway. Whisperings is a bit of a point though. To fit the meter, l2 must be scanned as with WHIS/per-INGS/that TELL/of MY/de-MISE True it is an acceptable metric variation to slightly stress that ings syllable to fit the meter if done really sparingly and the word is contextually essential. I find the word to be important enough to accept it but it does throw me off on first reading. I think the reason for that is whispering really is pronounced closer to whisp'ring than as scanned above. Then there is another similar thing later. On content, guess seems to be a weak word in L4. Maybe something more forceful would fit better. S2 falls right into place following the intro of S1 but as many times as I have read it, I still come away confused. There seems to be some grammatical problem. I think it is in L3. Maybe it is the infinitive beginning L4 where I expected an action verb. I really like everything else about that quatrain but I just can't get around whatever it is that I'm talking about. The only nit I find in S3 is small enough to not even mention but I will anyway. In L4, the meter requires stress on "to" a pretty small and unimportant word. Finally, in L13, plays should be play instead. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Based on a comment in a previous thread, I assume you ask this because you are used to scanning your poems based on their syllabic count rather than metric feet? Either way, as I see it, you seem to keep getting it right. Here's how I scan it. The meter is almost perfectly Iambic Pentameter, with slight Modulation in the 1st and 2nd Quatrains and a rhyming epigrammatic couplet at the end. All essential parts of a good Shakespearean Sonnet. The modulation I refer to is in the words, 'whisperings, Mortality' and, 'possibility.' This is necessary only in keeping the meter from becoming tedious. This one invokes images of Shakespeare's Sonnet XXX. It seems to me, you may need a semi-colon in S1L3, after bet and a comma in S2L3, after 'fear.' Not to mention a few periods as well. I feel the caps are an option that work well in Shakespearean language of the time. In contemporary poetry, it still helps to define this particular style. At least in my mind anyway--I don't see it as a big problem. On a personal note. I had a slight problem with the word, 'guess' in S1L4. But only because you just spoke of a 'bet' in the previous line. I think it might have been somehow more effective to work 'bet' into that line as well, as sort of an ironic connection to the previous one. I'm just not sure of the best way, but as an example of what I mean: "And though I’m not a man to place a bet I bet one truth is hidden in those lies." Just a thought. Overall, I enjoyed this. Thanks for posting, Grinch. Sid |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I see you and I were analyzing this at the same time, Pete; having posted mere minutes apart. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Looks like we saw much the same stuff too. People might start wondering if we don't quit agreeing like this. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Thank you all for your input, I'll certainly use your proposed changes. I wasn't surprised that 'guess' featured heavily it was the line that caused me the most problem when editing. The word I really wanted to use was 'wager' but I couldn't make it fit with 'one truth' (the one truth being we all die in the end) and 'hidden', the closest I got was to leave one of them out: And though I’m not a man to place a bet I'll wager truth is hidden in those lies. Or: And though I’m not a man to place a bet I'd wager that one truth was in those lies. Now I've got Sid's suggestion too: And though I’m not a man to place a bet I bet one truth is hidden in those lies. Has anyone got a preference? I think I'm a struggling to decide. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
How about: I slept at night with death, whose kisses wet With whisperings foreboded my demise, And though I’m not a man to place a bet, I wage one truth is hidden in those lies. |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
I’ve slept with death at night, her kisses wet With whisperings that tell of my demise And though I’m not a man to place a bet I'd gamble on some truth behind the lies. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Emy, Of course I would  Thanks that's perfect |
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littledavid Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 75 |
It not not death with whom you sleep, who tells of your demise There is no curse upon you, It's Fear there in disguise The whisperings you tell of, are a gift for you to use, To cast out Fear, and give you Grace, You hear the poets Muse! All men have to die it's true, but poets we can choose! Declare your fate with Honor, listen to your Muse. We have a higher calling, listen now or die, If you would only hear her voice, she'd guide you past the Lie! |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
littledavid Is that a suggested change or a critical analysis? |
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