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mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

0 posted 2006-10-27 02:03 PM

Known voice's,
un-heard sightings
a-drift in spotted green.
Aftermath wanderer's
in a room passing me by.
From a forgotten day
comes to me,
colors of your own familarity.
In a time-past,
when others once - also knew you to be.

Days seem to silently lounge
like a dove perched on a distant wire.
Glossed is the realm which lives
between us.
reveiling a brightly lit, older knowledge.
A barrier not much different
from what is dreamt.
spell-bound and justified,
I asked for a closer dream
inside of me...and
with a moment, when still owned the air.
The dove was no longer there.

If nothing is something
then everything is
our thoughts and feelings
and all that exists.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2006-10-27 04:04 PM

Well hey Poe -

Here's my thoughts on the first half.

Known voice's, - who is Known?
un-heard sightings - unheard
a-drift in spotted green. - adrift
Aftermath wanderer's
in a room passing me by.
From a forgotten day
comes to me,
colors of your own familarity.- that's pretty nice
In a time-past,
when others once - also knew you to be. - a little yoda-ish some would say. Maybe "also knew you have been"

What are you trying to say? It seems that you are trying so hard to be "poetic" that you are missing your message.

Just a thought.

CS

Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference?

Dane Barner

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

2 posted 2006-10-27 07:15 PM

Brad once mentioned that short lines tend to suggest that the poet is trying to be profound, I tend to agree with him and I think this suffers from that affliction. Re-formatting with longer lines may be worth considering, then you need to work out what you're trying to achieve.

A poem is generally made of several parts, the form, the content, the meter, the rhyme scheme etc. Good poems excel in one or more of those parts though if you concentrate on only one you need to make sure it rocks in that specific area.

I'd suggest you work out which parts you're working on and hone them til they shine.

You have a decent base from which to work though.

Thanks for the chance to read and reply

mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

3 posted 2006-10-28 11:59 AM

CS and Grinch, great advise and suggestions. I'll give it all a try. Thanks for taking the time, I greatly appreciate it... ws

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