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Critical Analysis #2
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Depiction
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Depiction |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
As I enter into my own death this writing begins. A performance of learned codes, tyrannically centred on personal faith, the failure of one-self. You think I confide in you. A language made from tongues removes all trace of me, nourishing experience for a new life to be born, assuming origin. Perhaps forever's measured in this moment? As you look at me and see something, an empty process that doesn't need to be filled with what you believe. |
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| © Copyright 2006 kif kif - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I am entering in this box with some caution, as I am uncertain of what, if any reception I will receive. But trust that I am earnest in my attempts to cooperate with this forum, and I would hope my word on that is trusted in faith of my intent and motivation to utilize this sadly under-utilized forum. You have no critique message here, so I'm a bit uncertain as to what sort of depth I should go into, so forgive my trepidation as well. I tend to have a personal and conversational style, but it has been brought to my attention that annoys some people, so I'll try to remain focused on your post. Thanks in advance for understanding. That said, on to your poem: The very first line, I was wondering of point of view, and whether the death was literal or metaphorical. (And it could very well be both, and I like when that happens.) quote: Metaphorically, I was thinking of death of the ego to the process of creation, which is not a new idea, but one that I enjoy, and I don't think it so common that I would say "cliche". I don't think it is cliche in this context. If it was meant to be taken literally, my sensibility of practicality would take over then, as it is extremely difficult to write while dying. (I meant no humor in that--I've just seen people die and none of them had a pen in their hand. And if I'm tryig too hard here, it's because I realize I have a reputation of my own making, and I'm trying to overcome that in this forum.) Punctuation will always be called into question, and I think that I might have utilized the colon after that--so that the following would be a proper sentence and not a fragment, which would of course, dictate that the "A" be lowercase. But that's just how I would have done it. "one-self" being hyphenated confuses me as well, but I'm assuming it was intentional, and wonder now if I am missing the mark as to a clue to the following which is also not clear to me: quote: I like the first line here, but I'm uncertain if the tone is sadness at being misunderstood, resignation that understanding is beyond the scope of explanation via the utilization of language. I like that idea much, as I have a personal prediliction to the idea of symbolism being the only perfect language. And I'm trying to stay on board before I go off on one my Jungian rants and the numeric system as a language. But this did prompt me to go there in my thoughts, so yes, for me this is a keeper stanza, even though I would quibble punctuation again. I think changing the punctuation would help to clarify that idea, but I'll resist the urge to re-write, as unless I have an invitation to do so, I consider that rude. quote: "forever's" I'm uncertain of your choice here--unless you are following a metric pattern that I am ignorant of (which is not unlikely, as I am studying that currently and not certain) I don't see why "forever is" would be unacceptable. I am currently trying to break the habit of dropping articles, etc. to fit my meter schemes in my own work, but I had some insight offered to me in open that even though that works (thank you Capricious) it tends to read as forced. quote: I was thrown off by the first line, and I liked your summation so much that I wished for more emphasis on "an empty process". So for the most part, I enjoyed most of the phrasing, the line breaks were good, and I think for me the difference would have been in punctuation. I am a fan of the "dash", so I probably would have isolated "an empty process" by employing them, but there I go re-writing again. Mea Culpa. Thought provoking piece though kif kif. Thanks for allowing me to share those thoughts. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I'll muse your post a while, Serenity, thanks. That's exactly it, the punctuation. I've changed it loads before I posted...probably lost the sequence forevah! (and 'forever's' coming from a Brit', and seems unforced to me...now we're getting 'somewhere'! Sorry, I'm being facetious, in reference to to my write, to me it means the same, but 'different'. ) (ps, I thought my message automatically attatched itself to all my posts? Anyway, it says "I'm thinking Wilde Style, 'The Critic As An Artist'. Say what you want, because I really do care.") [This message has been edited by kif kif (10-08-2006 05:27 AM).] |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
A re-write would be interesting...you have an open invitation. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I can understand why you would change it alot, as the punctuation in this piece could alter its direction. I started twice and stopped already. So let me muse on your musing overnight, and I'll see what I come up with. (I'm grateful it's not lengthy, as my printer is buggy again. sigh) I'll give it a scribble though, and thanks for your generosity kif.  |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
You think I confide in you. A language made from tongues removes all trace of me nourshing experience, for a new life to be born, assuming origin. (another way to puncuate?) I've tried to write the importance of the punctuation in, but literally (!), I'm not ready to handle such. (ps, it's selfishness! Thanks for your time, Miss Blaze.) [This message has been edited by kif kif (10-08-2006 05:30 AM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I just woke up and I had fallen asleep thinking on this, and here I am at a bit after four a.m. my time, but here is what I woke up thinking. (and yes, I'm weird, but that is besides the point) The first line is what is bothersome to me. I like it though, it addresses the reader (or observer) in your poem and personalizes it, and I like it personal. So, that first line, can be almost like an accusation, or at the very least, a challenge: You think I confide in you? A language made from tongues removes all trace of me, nourshing experience for a new life to be born; assuming origin. Note that I moved your comma from nourshing experience (pretty sure nourshing is a typo too--nourishing, right?) but I just moved it up to what would clarify a complete sentence, and the semi-colon behind "for a new life to be born" also recognizes and attempts to seperate a complex sentence, with "assuming origin" to stand on its own, and you can say "the pronoun is presumed" if someone wanted to get all prickly about "assuming origin" being a secondary sentence--though at this point I can't remember if one actually needs a complete sentence after the use of semi-colon. BUT--I do know a semi-colon can also be used to introduce a list at the end of a complex sentence as well. Hmmm. The semi-colon--sigh. I have spent hours staring at the screen and I would edit it in, and edit it out. I actually think punctuation that important. Many writers of poetry don't use it at all, as it is not a mandate, but I think of punctuation as another tool to use to convey or sublimate ideas and lines in poetry. Now, if you didn't like the addition of the question mark that changed the tone of your last stanza? My second choice was my all time favorite, the dash-- You think I confide in you-- a language made from tongues removes all trace of me, nourshing experience for a new life to be born; assuming origin. Then there was this: You think I confide in you. A language made from tongues removes all trace of me. Nourishing experience for a new life to be born, assuming origin. You don't have to opt for isolating the sentence, but I think it both emphasizes it, and seperates it from the rest of a thought/sentence that can be punctuated in so many different ways it confounded me enough to wake me up at four a.m.!  Now maybe I can sleep.(Not your fault, kif kif--I swear I'm anal about this stuff.) So g'nite kif, or morning, or evening--time differences confound me too, but they do not wake me up. I'll go now. Ta. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hey! You didn't give me a chance to tidy up properly! I'll look at what you're saying over today, thanks. I'm clueless about semi-colons, ect. I'm hoping the line-breaks will stand without resorting to a dash, but on 1st thinking, 'You think I confide in you.' is a full-stop. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I did think about using a capital letter for 'nourishing', but I'm trying to use this verse to question whether it's the 'language' or 'me', am 'I' removed, or just my 'trace(s)'? I hope to suggest multiplicity. The 'new life to be born' is a reader's 'ideas' ("you"), reading "this writing". (That's a general 'you', by the way.) I must confess, I'm attempting an intertextual relationship with Roland Barthes The Death Of The Author. Pastiche, in champion to the reader. It's the reader that's "assuming origin". The last verse intimates my response, a contradiction? Arrogance is hard to overcome! [This message has been edited by kif kif (10-08-2006 09:04 AM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
ahhhhhhhhhh... It's always nice to know the motivation kif. I find what you're doing interesting. And arrogance? *shrug* It's all perspective. Around my neighborhood, one is considered arrogant if you speak in complete sentences and say "toilet" instead of "tirlet".  Let me know what you decide to go with, k? I am ever curious. And thanks again for letting me play a bit. It was fun. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
The Death Of The Author |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks very much kif. This looks like a good mind munch, and somehow it all seems familiar. The Balzac story and the castrato is another fascination of mine. (But then, that would be, would it?  ) Adding to my favorites and I think I'll enjoy some quiet reading time away from the poetry a bit. Time to feed my head. I have been parsing sentences in my sleep. tsk... |
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