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Critical Analysis #2
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Four Seasons
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Four Seasons |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Daydreams are such fragile things - inner city children with green field pony wishes. Ivy like they spring from quiet corners of the mind and wrap tendrils round the secret places hidden deep within the heart. Then there was the music drifting down like maple leaves in cold November rain, each note a separate color from autumn’s somber palette. Vivaldi knew them well and brushed them in a minor key across a rosewood violin. The music became the daydream turned obsession pressed between the pages in my book of life where survival's only three chapters away from winter on the streets in a hungry city. But seasons change as fortunes do and summer bright with grace notes erased impoverished days filled with wistful longing. Rosin's on the bow of dreams, let the music begin. [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-29-2006 03:19 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jennifer, This is truly a work of art. You seem to be a well seasoned poet. The metaphor is wonderful, and carried well through out the piece. Your word choices are spot on...they create such clear images. I thoroughly enjoyed this, and look forward to more of your work. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Normally when I see vegetable metaphors mixed up with anatomy I tend to reach for my gun (metaphorically) and here's the bit: "Ivy like they spring from quiet corners of the mind and wrap tendrils round the secret places hidden deep within the heart" but... you are consistent with your pairings. Leaves and music. Music and paint. Daydream and paper. Dreams and music. All of this is fine except that I don't know what it's all leading to. Daydreams are fine but in this case I'm not sure what you are daydreaming about. I don't think you tell us. Let the music begin indeed. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks so much, warmhrt, for your very kind and charitable comment. Sorry I confused you Beau. I thought the title and the Vivaldi reference might have been enough - even for the unsophisticated. I was wrong. My bad. I was looking for help on this very rough first draft that was to be an in memoriam dedication to my violin teacher who, out of the kindness of her heart, gave me lessons at far less than her normal rate. Doesn’t seem like I’ve got the right approach yet. Back to the well and try again.  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I may be wrong but I thought the line breaks were not as well placed as they could have been for example: (and I am just suggesting and am new at this) Daydreams are such fragile things - inner city children with green-field pony wishes. Ivy-like, they spring from quiet corners of the mind and wrap tendrils round the secret places hidden deep within the heart. Then there was the music, drifting down like maple leaves in cold November rain, each note a separate color from autumn’s somber palette. Vivaldi knew them well and brushed them in a minor key across a rosewood violin. Music became "daydream turned obsession" pressed between the pages in my book of life, where survival's only three chapters away from winter on the streets in a hungry city. But seasons change as fortunes do and summer, bright with grace note, erased impoverished days filled with wistful longing. Rosin's on the bow of dreams, Let the music begin. I was just playing with it, hope that was ok. By the way..it is a beautiful and thoughtful dedication. M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I agree, it reads much betther that way. CS |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Oh my goodness, thank you nakd!!! It reads so much better with your changes. So good in fact I'm no longer embarassed about it. I really do appreciate your taking time to help me with it. Thanks ever so much! |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Jennifer, since this is probably the first time I have even tried to do this. I'm thanking you for the opportunity to have helped and the fact that you like the changes, makes it worthwhile.( and it was nothing to be embarassed about)  Maureen |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hello Jennifer. I think this is beautiful. Your opening lines are exciting, and pondering, all at once. I really don't like the enjambent that ties s2 and s3. I was wondering why you didn't just begin that trail of thought in s3. Also, I'd have liked to see more of how Vivaldi/music feels to you, just as you've begun in s2, which I think is your strongest stanza...it's gorgeous. As is your rhythm...it takes me there. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
When I first read the title I confess I came here prejudiced to disappointment, as we all know The Four Seasons has been done to death, but as I read, I recognized the Vivaldi influence--quite a feat, that. But nod, I often write to Vivaldi as well, so I guess I would hope I would recognize the inspiration.  I'm not great about line breaks either, but I thought Maureen handled it well--it broke down simply that way and didn't lose any of the music. The other way felt like it was forced into a mold--but again, that's been covered and much more nicely than I could have. (I am new to this and clumsy at times, so if I seem nervous, it is because I am. )I'm considering kif kif's suggestion and I think here: "Vivaldi knew them well and brushed them in a minor key across a rosewood violin." While this isn't bad, it just isn't as good as it could be. It can stand just fine as is, but if I might surmise a guess, you were probably trying to entreat your reader to join you in the memory, and a more tactile description might have helped there. It is a lovely poem though, and not at all what I expected, so count me in as nicely surprised. kudos from another fan of Vivaldi |
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