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Critical Analysis #2
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rhia_5779
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since 2006-06-09
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California

0 posted 2006-09-25 03:56 PM


**********
Angels, fallen from the sky.
You sunk so low, from so high.
Evicted from heaven for your crime.
Now to spend life here, for all of time

All of our world was to you,
everything different, all of this new.
Angels thrown out of the clouds,
lost in earth, till you were found.

You fly no more,
never again to soar.
Wings that just vanished
when you were banished.

You used to live
in a place without sins.
‘Till your curiosity got too much
sealed it, so as an angel, you were  done.

There are people so sweet, and so nice,
often accused of being an angel in disguise.
You might wonder could they be
fallen angels, who just seem like you and me.

These angels know nothing about their new home,
if they find each other, together but still alone.
Their peers also exiled, reminds them of what they lost.
Invincible in kindness, an army that can't be stopped.

Fallen angels from high above,
doomed to earth to teach about love.
Maybe, we are all in a way angels to someone in our life.
We could all be such, Angels fallen from the sky.


*************
Wrote this a while ago, I just found it again, posted it in Teen. I really liked it but something feels kind of off about it.  I liked the idea, and it didn't hit me till today. This is one of my favorite poems by me, and I chose to post it in CA, because I want to write it to the best this can be.


© Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
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1 posted 2006-09-25 05:20 PM


Rhea, you’ve gotten some good feedback and helpful suggestions on several of your poems posted here in CA yet I don’t see where you’ve made any effort to revise your work to improve it.  I’m wondering why you haven’t.  Or have I missed something?

The point I'm trying to make is that if you're not going to do revisions, then don't you think it's rather pointless for anyone to spend their time critiquing your work?






moonbeam
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2 posted 2006-09-25 06:10 PM


Rhea

Jennifer has a valid point.

It might be good to look at the comments on your other poem and let us know what you think on that before starting off on another.

Moonbeam

Not A Poet
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since 1999-11-03
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Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2006-09-25 10:21 PM


And this one needs a lot of work. It is rife with forced rhyme. The is no "flow" to it at all. Your latest work shows much more promise than this. If you really like it then maybe ditch the forced rhyme and trim a lot of unnecessary words. If not then it might be easier to remember the basic idea and start over with mostly new words.

moonbeam
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4 posted 2006-09-26 03:49 AM


Rhia

~sigh~

Ok since Pete has stepped in I may as well say that I agree with him totally.

For a start anything with bloody angels in is on a slippery slope to begin with, and when they start falling, well! really, what hope is there that the whole poem is not going to descend (pun intended) into angelic cliche?

What hasn’t this poem got: forced rhyme, trite rhyme, a banal theme, no new ideas, abstractions all over - Rhia it’s a disaster. Beyond recall.  Incidentally one of the main reasons it’s beyond recall is that you are trying to tackle a theme that’s just to big for you right now.  Think small, like the man you described in e-mail and the girl in your class.  Focus on detail, on things that are near to you that you know about.

Please scrap this poem.  In a few months time, trust me, it will embarrass you!

Also this is one of the reasons I didn’t want you to post in CA while we were in e-mail.  It’s distracting and diverting your effort when it should be focussed.

Still one good thing to come out of this is that it shows how NOT to write.

Later.

Moonbeam

PS It would be best not to put an angel or a moon, or stars, or beaches, or roses or shards in any of your poems for at least 5 years.

[This message has been edited by moonbeam (09-26-2006 05:24 AM).]

divine chaos
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since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
5 posted 2006-09-26 09:08 AM


Rhia,

I agree with the others that it seems very pointless to be asking for help with a new poem without implementing any of the suggestions that you've gotten to the last.  I know that you're excited to show what you're writing and I feel that you really do want the help, but it isn't really helpful to you if you don't read, absorb, and implement the suggestions given

I also do agree with moon that maybe the subject matter of this piece is still a little beyond you. Write what you know, from your own experiences.  I don't mean to sound condescending at all here, please understand that.  Even though you are young, there is a whole world of things for you to write about that you -do- know.  You have talent, and much potential -- don't try to "grow up" in your writing too fast.  (That sounded really bad, but truly, it isn't meant to!)

I don't necessarily agree with Moon that you should scrap the poem altogether, though. What I -would- suggest is to keep a notebook/binder with all of the poems that you write that have something -you- like in them, even if the overall poem is not very good.  

I keep a notebook that is divided into sections, one section for poems I love, one for poems I think need work, one for snippets/phrases that I happen to think of, no matter how trite or cliche they might be. There are poems in there that I wrote when I was younger than you, from when I was trying to write things that were beyond me too.  The poems are bad, but I can still glean little ideas from phrases, thoughts, etc., that I used even back when I was trying to grow up too fast

I also keep a small notepad next to my bed, because sometimes I think of a line or even just a phrase that I want to remember when I'm just falling asleep, or waking up, and I can jot it down before I forget, but then I'm quite a bit older than you and I have a Swiss cheese memory :-p  I have to write it down when I think about it, or I'll forget

The poem may need a lot of work, or may need to be revamped entirely, but you can glean new ideas from old writing sometimes, even if it's bad

~Sheli

By words the mind is winged
~Aristophanes~

moonbeam
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6 posted 2006-09-26 05:13 PM


Just to clarify - when I say "scrap" I mean don't bother to try and improve this actual poem.  Keep it by all means, but I'll bet when you pick it up in a year's time you won't WANT to carry on with it.  

Anyway I really wanted to say that I agree with Sheli about keeping that notebook near your bed (you ARE keeping it aren't you!, I get some of my best lines in the period when I am half awake half asleep ...

which some might say is most of the time!

M

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
7 posted 2006-09-26 06:04 PM


This was not a new poem, I wrote this quite a while ago. If it had been recent I certainly would have made changes especcially to what you have all said in crittique.

This poem wasn't very good, sorry. Also , you were right moonbeam about it being confusing. It is.

Sorry all, I shouldn't have posted this.I will work on simpler themes for now.

Brad
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since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
8 posted 2006-12-19 05:23 PM


Um, was this inspired by something, a person that you actually met?

If this is an old poem, why not use it as a springboard for something new? Fallen Angels are really tough to do the way you've set it up -- take a look at "Leda and the Swan" for some ideas on how to portray the wings. Icarus, of course. Marvel mythology -- Angel? Always one of the least liked X Men. How about the movie with Nick Cage (I didn't like the movie, but I did like the scene with what's his name, the NYPD guy, and his love for food).

How about writing about a fallen angel without using the word angel?

That is to say, do some research, and try a new slant on an old idea.


rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
9 posted 2006-12-27 03:10 PM


I don't know why I wrote this, I really don't like it now. I do do revisions they just take me a long time sorry.
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