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kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

0 posted 2006-09-23 05:01 AM

Lightning shows her teeth
in quick, bared smiles
across Sky,
darkened with rich-hued brutality.

As she begins,
clouds fluffer together,
cuddle, and grow pink
with embarrasment of being caught

in the middle
of two forces,
vying for expression.
Some call it love...

Between this girl, called Miss Inter'cloud Bolt
and her lover, Air
to the Something or Other,
it's a fine line.

Earth watches in horror
as this is realised
by Tornado, spinning destruction
while finding peace in the eye

belonging to Storm.
Earth forgets the heat he allowed to rise,
judges all this to be awful
and quite obscene!

That supports the masses,
who will only weep
with relief
from all this tension.

To return
with the important business of skudding,
to mix with A.S.I.D Rain,
an expert in the field of industrial back-fire

Ignatius
Junior Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 14
OK , USA

1 posted 2006-09-24 11:34 PM

Certainly some interesting ideals here, but I don't think it fits altogether yet. Perhaps some reworking might help. I learned a new word,though, "fluffer"

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2006-09-25 10:56 AM

Kif-

So many characters - to me it's like a little lyrical soap opera. Each character is touched on so briefly we don't get a sense of what makes each important. We have these two lovers - and a mad father (Earth?), but how does that matter to the rest in a way that it can matter to us?

[quote]To return
with the important business of skudding,
to mix with A.S.I.D Rain,
an expert in the field of industrial back-fire[/quote}

This is great however. What is meant by A.S.I.D? - I didn't see the correlation.

CS

Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference?

Dane Barner

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

3 posted 2006-09-26 04:46 AM

Thanks Ignatius...but I don't think 'fluffer' is a real word.

C.S, thanks for your input...I can see I need more work on this, Earth is the 'father' to the storm, but not the sky.

Your question, about how it can matter to us...well, it's supposed to be a metaphor about human's interpretation of love, but if you can't see that, then I need to review the 'story'.

I should have used A.C.I.D, as then there'd be no doubt, but I was thinking of big business' habits of using a slightly changed word for their titles. After your comment, though, I can see it's pointless here.

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