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ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

0 posted 2006-09-18 10:49 PM

I write my words
surgical gloves
surgical mask
surgical precision
cough here
turn there
so that the words look like
surgical tables
gleaming silver
or was it white?
whichever suits –
because it’s you who pay the bill.
Eight dollars for an aspirin,
(one letter from aspiring)
4.50 for your jello
but it can make you feel better.
Nothing disruptive
everything sterile
wouldn’t want to dirty your wound
or your mind
just, everything as it was
plus these words
or not if you can’t handle it.

An artist's job is not to commentate the truth.
An artist's job is to create it.
-Dane Barner

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (09-19-2006 12:27 AM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

1 posted 2006-09-18 11:16 PM

May you edit your title so that the words begin with capitals?

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2006-09-18 11:34 PM

I may, but is it required?

Additionally, that sentence would be best ended with a period.

Will you edit your title that the words begin with capitals?

That would be correct.

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (09-19-2006 12:28 AM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

3 posted 2006-09-19 12:17 PM

"I may, but is it required?"

No, but it shows more critical care about the tradition of writing to use capitals in a title where they are appropriate.  The title is the first thing we see about your poem because it is the link we need to click to come in.  If the first thing we see about your poem, the door and welcome mat seems to lack in critical care there is a suggestion that the poem may lack in critical care as well.  And often it does.  Those poems that are carefully written, almost always also respect putting capitals on the title, just like a bookmaker puts a cover on a book.  Therefore, it is not required.  But it respects tradition and suggests critical care, that I think are good things.

"Addtionally, that sentance would be best ended with a period."

What sentence?

(by the way that should be additionally and sentence.)

"Will you edit your title that the words begin with capitols?

That would be correct."

There's nothing wrong with that sentence.  Although usually capitals referring to letters should be spelt as capitals.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

4 posted 2006-09-19 12:25 PM

Understood. But, "can I" or "will I" is a question. "May you" falls into a hope. May you live long and prosper. Not - Can/will you live long and prosper?

cs

Might you want to comment on the words above what you have written? Just a thought.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

5 posted 2006-09-19 03:06 AM

Thanks CS. Now we have our critical caps on

""May you" falls into a hope. May you live long and prosper. Not - Can you live long and prosper?"

It does somewhat have the sense "hope" but grammatically the word in that phrase is an imperative (the verb used as a command), literally "be able to live long and prosper!"

But it may also be used askingly as a question. Think of when an English teacher tells her students to say "may I...?" instead of "can I...?"

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2006-09-19 03:08 AM

By the way, I didn't forget about your poem. I printed it out tonight and hope to send you a critique after reading it more carefully.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

7 posted 2006-09-19 04:55 AM

Interesting idea. Problems with execution.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

8 posted 2006-09-19 10:56 AM

Thanks Ess for the future crit. I understood that you could us "may I" to as a question related to yourself, but I didn't know that you could use it to ask a question of another. I went to a small high school in rural Iowa and my English teacher was a bit of a "tool." Anyway, thanks for the heads up.

M-

Where are the execution problems? I kinda like this one and would like to work it out a bit. I imagine reading it with an acute case of OCD.

And by the way, you asked earlier who I was reading. Right now I'm going back and forth between cummings and Hughes.

CS

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

9 posted 2006-09-19 11:50 AM

CS

I agree with moonbeam about execution.
It is interesting, but it lacks good structure.   The shortlinedness makes it read more like a grocery list than a poem.

I wasn't sure about the usage of the second person in this.  Do you specifically mean me?  It sounds like you do when you say you.

"I write my words
surgical gloves
surgical mask
surgical precision
cough here
turn there
so that the words look like
surgical tables
gleaming silver
or was it white?"

It is not good to have "surgical" three times in a row.  You may avoid that by adjusting the phrase to something like "gloves and mask for surgical precision", "gloves and mask and precision for surgical work" etc.

It needs to read more like a sentence.  Sometimes it helps to put in prose-like form and then you see how well it actually stands as a grammatical sentence:

"I write my words surgical gloves surgical mask surgical precision cough here turn there so that the words look like surgical tables gleaming silver or was it white?  whichever suits – because it’s you who pay the bill."

Is that a good sentence?

I'm also struggling a bit with what you are trying to say as well, CS; but that is my own weakness.  Do you mean a situation here in CA and trying to write critically (surgically)?  I wonder what "you pay the bill" means for me (?) then?  Do I owe the author something?

"Eight dollars for an aspirin,
(one letter from aspiring)
4.50 for your jello
but it can make you feel better.
Nothing disruptive
everything sterile
wouldn’t want to dirty your wound
or your mind
just, everything as it was
plus these words
or not if you can’t handle it."

Again set it into a prose sentence and see how grammatically it stands:

Eight dollars for an aspirin, (one letter from aspiring) 4.50 for your jello but it can make you feel better.  Nothing disruptive everything sterile wouldn’t want to dirty your wound or your mind just, everything as it was plus these words or not if you can’t handle it."

I think everything belongs on the side until a better sentence is written.  Without that basic need it may not afford much poetic structure and grace.

I hope that helps a bit.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

10 posted 2006-09-19 02:50 PM

"Where are the execution problems? I kinda like this one and would like to work it out a bit. I imagine reading it with an acute case of OCD."

Christian

When you respect my request to get Pete to remove the thread with the poem you wrote about me, I'll be very happy to crit you properly, and hopefully help.

Hughes is one of my favourite poets.

Anyway Essorant has done a very good job and said most of the things I'd have said.

M

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

11 posted 2006-09-19 06:22 PM

Okay try this....I worked on the structure. I think that it takes the OCD angle out a bit. I wanted it to sound a little frantic. This is only my first swing at the first half.

Is this what you were talking about?

I write my words using a
surgical mask and gloves
to ensure the precision
that took me all of
45 minutes to learn.
Cough here.
Turn there.
Make the words look like
surgical tables,
gleaming silver,
or was it white?
whichever suits –
because it’s you who pay the bill.

thanks

cs

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

12 posted 2006-09-20 03:57 PM

Here's a rewrite with some of Ess' thoughts. Feels a little boring to me...may not be enough to stand on period. I don't know.

cs

I write my words using a
surgical mask and gloves
to ensure the precision
that took me all of
45 minutes to learn.
Cough here.
Turn there.
Make the words look like
surgical tables,
gleaming silver,
or was it white?
whichever suits –
because it’s you who pay the bill.
Eight dollars for an aspirin,
(one letter from aspiring)
4.50 for your jello,
but it can make you feel better.
Let’s nothing disruptive,
everything sterile because we
wouldn’t want to dirty your wound
or your mind.
Just keep everything as it was
plus these words,
or not,
if you can’t seem handle it.

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