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cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

0 posted 2006-09-15 09:04 PM

Mama says, "Here,
You are, take this
In your hand."

Close fisted, "Yes
Mama." It warmed
My palm.

Trotted to the bridge way
Opening slowly

One,two, three
Fall, drop.

"End of story."

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

1 posted 2006-09-16 10:49 AM

There is not enough given to make anything important of this.

cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

2 posted 2006-09-16 11:53 PM

I was searching for as little words possible to create a scenario leaving everything else to the imagination. I was hoping it would push through with this poem but I see what you mean, any other criticism?

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

3 posted 2006-09-18 11:45 AM

Sorry for the double post. Apparently my computer literacy has taken a vacation.

CS

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (09-18-2006 12:50 PM).]

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

4 posted 2006-09-18 12:49 PM

It seems like the last few seconds of a dream you may be having right before you wake up. Incomplete, but not in an entirely bad way. I think that the level of minimalism you are using is not giving us enough to hang our hat on.

I want to know the rest of the story though. Good picture.

did you mean - drop, fall? Was that intentional?

Because it would make more sense - fall, drop.

Expand this one.

CS

cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

5 posted 2006-09-18 10:17 PM

I will try to make a more complete picture but I am also afraid to make the full picture as I want the reader to actually fill in all the details.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

6 posted 2006-09-22 04:04 PM

I understand the minimalistic idea, but even with minimalism -in this case- you need a beginning and an end.

You say "end of story" but the piece doesn't come around so that I feel a sense of closure. Thus, I cannot fill in the blanks due to the abrupt ending.

I saw this same idea in another of your posts, "Fathom." I feel the same way about it.

Let me know what you think

CS

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 2006-12-19 06:02 PM

I read this but I guess I missed the point. I thought the thing in your hand was 'end of story'.

kaila
Junior Member

since 2006-12-24

Posts 37
PA

8 posted 2006-12-26 08:07 PM

I was waiting--after "Opening slowly"--for the reason, the answer, the image, or something.

I would love to fill in my own meaning, but I don't have anything to fill in. I guess I need more of a frame. Can you give me a more substantive ending so that I can help fill in the middle?

kaila

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

9 posted 2006-12-31 12:32 PM

hi;

nothing wrong with short. but maybe you could rewrite it showing us the object being the moves from hand to hand them gone to somewhere elts.

Rick

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