navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » Ether Town
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic Ether Town Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
TinaTrivett
Senior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 569


0 posted 2006-07-16 09:05 AM



There was a time in Ether Town,
When all the skies were rolling brown.
Smokestack plumes with big red stripes.
Poison, hatred in the pipes.

Not a whisper, not a prayer.
They had conceded. Doom, despair.
Disease and plague had taken most.
They'd all become a walking host.

So when the last one finally died,
No funeral, No tears to cry...
Nature came and moved back in.
This is her house, she always wins.




© Copyright 2006 Tina Trivett - All Rights Reserved
divine chaos
Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon
1 posted 2006-07-16 08:51 PM


just as with your other writings,
I love this
you have such talent

*hugs*
~*Sheli*~

By words the mind is winged
~Aristophanes~

TinaTrivett
Senior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 569

2 posted 2006-07-16 09:31 PM


Thanks Sheli, your a doll.
the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
3 posted 2006-07-16 11:12 PM


I loved this.. very talented.. great job..


~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

TinaTrivett
Senior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 569

4 posted 2006-07-18 10:06 PM


Thanks Heather.
kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN
5 posted 2006-07-24 03:00 AM


Yeah Tina, an instance where structured rhyme works well. I enjoyed your frivolous rhythm, as it's a contradiction to the content, although the flow is on the side of nature!

I like this, as it's sharp, image-packed and lightly deep.

Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park
6 posted 2006-07-25 03:57 PM


hI:

Lot of fun. deep.  I would like to see a better last line.  that is to say a wittier punch line.  all in all this is great.

Rick

Beau de L'air
Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105
Middlesex, England
7 posted 2006-08-05 02:42 PM


Tina, just try putting the second verse first.  It's an old trick but in this case it will make your poem better. Actually much better,  but I won't spoil it for you by explaining why.....  x  BdL'
Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
8 posted 2006-08-05 04:45 PM


Alas, the sloppy sentence-structure doesn't do the strong thought and rhyme any justice.


"Smokestack plumes with big red stripes.
Poison, hatred in the pipes."

"Not a whisper, not a prayer."

"Doom, despair."

None of the above are sentences.  They are just aspects listed like items on a grocery list.   Try to put them into flowing sentence structure, with verbs, transitions, conjunctions, and anything else that may help them flow.  

I think the main problem is splitting things up so much, instead of trying to carry them on longer flownesses.  I think it may flow much better if you work sentences that go all the way to the end of the stanza.  When working with such a small group of words in a stanza more than one or two periods begins to sound quite choppy to my ear.    


"So when the last one finally died,
No funeral, No tears to cry..."

I thought the second line here was a bit abrupt.  Perhaps that is why you thought you needed three periods to stop it?          


"Nature came and moved back in.
This is her house, she always wins."

I liked the last lines best.
Although you could make the rhyme immaculate with a little adjustment like:

"Nature came and moved back in.
This is her house, she's bound to win".


I hope that helps.


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
9 posted 2007-01-02 04:20 PM


Not a big fan of the last stanza, but kif kaf has it right, I think, a good exercise in contrast and tone.

Drop the periods to keep Essorant happy.


Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » Ether Town

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary