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TinaTrivett
Senior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 569

0 posted 2006-07-16 09:05 AM

There was a time in Ether Town,
When all the skies were rolling brown.
Smokestack plumes with big red stripes.
Poison, hatred in the pipes.

Not a whisper, not a prayer.
They had conceded. Doom, despair.
Disease and plague had taken most.
They'd all become a walking host.

So when the last one finally died,
No funeral, No tears to cry...
Nature came and moved back in.
This is her house, she always wins.

divine chaos
Senior Member

since 2006-07-09

Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

1 posted 2006-07-16 08:51 PM

just as with your other writings,
I love this
you have such talent

*hugs*
~*Sheli*~

By words the mind is winged
~Aristophanes~

TinaTrivett
Senior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 569

2 posted 2006-07-16 09:31 PM

Thanks Sheli, your a doll.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

3 posted 2006-07-16 11:12 PM

I loved this.. very talented.. great job..

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

TinaTrivett
Senior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 569

4 posted 2006-07-18 10:06 PM

Thanks Heather.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

5 posted 2006-07-24 03:00 AM

Yeah Tina, an instance where structured rhyme works well. I enjoyed your frivolous rhythm, as it's a contradiction to the content, although the flow is on the side of nature!

I like this, as it's sharp, image-packed and lightly deep.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

6 posted 2006-07-25 03:57 PM

hI:

Lot of fun. deep. I would like to see a better last line. that is to say a wittier punch line. all in all this is great.

Rick

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

7 posted 2006-08-05 02:42 PM

Tina, just try putting the second verse first. It's an old trick but in this case it will make your poem better. Actually much better, but I won't spoil it for you by explaining why..... x BdL'

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

8 posted 2006-08-05 04:45 PM

Alas, the sloppy sentence-structure doesn't do the strong thought and rhyme any justice.

"Smokestack plumes with big red stripes.
Poison, hatred in the pipes."

"Not a whisper, not a prayer."

"Doom, despair."

None of the above are sentences.  They are just aspects listed like items on a grocery list.   Try to put them into flowing sentence structure, with verbs, transitions, conjunctions, and anything else that may help them flow.

I think the main problem is splitting things up so much, instead of trying to carry them on longer flownesses.  I think it may flow much better if you work sentences that go all the way to the end of the stanza.  When working with such a small group of words in a stanza more than one or two periods begins to sound quite choppy to my ear.

"So when the last one finally died,
No funeral, No tears to cry..."

I thought the second line here was a bit abrupt.  Perhaps that is why you thought you needed three periods to stop it?

"Nature came and moved back in.
This is her house, she always wins."

I liked the last lines best.
Although you could make the rhyme immaculate with a little adjustment like:

"Nature came and moved back in.
This is her house, she's bound to win".

I hope that helps.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

9 posted 2007-01-02 04:20 PM

Not a big fan of the last stanza, but kif kaf has it right, I think, a good exercise in contrast and tone.

Drop the periods to keep Essorant happy.

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