Friendship (missing one line)

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loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

0 posted 2006-06-26 08:56 PM

We've been friends from the very start
But now were slowly drifting apart
We've broken before, but not for too long
We've always come back, true and strong
With time our friendship has deteriorated
We've laughed, we've cried, we've loved and hated
We thought that we would always be strong
Because our hearts sang a silent song
No one could hear it, just the two of us
(this is where i need another line so that it doesnt just abruptly stop and skip a rhyme)
There comes a time in everyones life
Where we all must deal with personal strife
And normally friends would be there to help you
But now our friendship is no longer true

Anyone who reads this, if u have any ideas for something to fit in where i have the missing line, please reply, cuz i have absolutely no idea...

"when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join them in a mutual weirdness and call it love-true love"

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

1 posted 2006-06-27 07:12 PM

hI:

MAYBE JUST GET RIDE OF THE ONE LINE.

RICK

lokiwolf
Junior Member

since 2006-06-27

Posts 31

2 posted 2006-06-27 11:48 PM

??we where together without all this fuss???

how about something like that?

loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

3 posted 2006-06-28 08:45 PM

yeah that would've probably been the best idea, getting rid of the line. and yeah that line kinda works but there was major fuss, but still it might work. lol.anywho...thanks ya'll

"when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join them in a mutual weirdness and call it love-true love"

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

4 posted 2006-06-29 10:27 AM

Imagine hearing someone playing a wind instrument that they don't know how to play. Sure, they have the wind/rhyme but they don't have the notes/meter. This, in essence, is your poem... Random wind.

What makes this poem fresh, creative and screams, "I know a little something about poetry?"

Always Lisa

loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

5 posted 2006-06-29 07:31 PM

omg i love that comment...even though its supposed to tell me how horrible my poem is i still love how creative and straight-forward it is...sorry i notice weird stuff like that....but still thanks for the input

The more people that I can make EXTREMELY uncomfortable, the better

divine chaos
Senior Member

since 2006-07-09

Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

6 posted 2006-07-10 01:53 PM

your poem is not horrible, the content is heartfelt, I think.  I haven't any real critiquing of it, but I will tell you what I do when I'm writing, and perhaps it will give you some ideas.

I've found that when I write, it's easiest to do just that .. write.  I don't worry about the rhyme, the meter, none of that.  I write what's in my heart and soul, even if it's just a jumbled up mess to begin with.  When I've nothing left to say, I stop and walk away.  I leave it alone for an entire day, then go back and read it once, editing out what I don't like, editing in what I think is missing. Then, walk away again.  Eventually, something emerges that I'm happy with without so much brain strain.  Each new day brings new thoughts, a new way of looking at the same things.

Not to say that all writing has to be like this -- sometimes it just flows and is its own perfection on the first try .. but sometimes we need to write, regroup, and then go back for more.

Reading aloud what I've written also helps enormously - it kinda shows me where I've got a sour note in the lyrical flow.

Hope this helps

~*Sheli*~

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

7 posted 2006-07-10 02:14 PM

LoveIs~
While I don't do 'critique' ... I do offer suggestions when they are requested~

You wrote -

"No one could hear it, just the two of us"

Hm ... how about this ?

No one else could hear it, just us two
When memories whisper, I'm reminded of you~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~
~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - [email protected]

loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

8 posted 2006-07-10 05:53 PM

thanks ppls....i friggin love u guys!!!!!! lol sry im insane like that lol...

The more people that I can make EXTREMELY uncomfortable, the better

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