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Critical Analysis #2
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let me love you
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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let me love you |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
ash to ash dust to dust you're my past i'm frust hated by you i've lost love given it to you received from above but i'm a liar don't take my word i spit fire don't take my hurt chastize me for anothers transgressions burn me just another lesson we learn i yearn you burn and you won't let me put it out i'm done telling you my love ain't good i'll make my heart swallow you until you've stood down enough in the sun need somewhere to rest when you're too tired to run i'll be your resting breast you'll hear it in my chest but not from my lips i'll be your best you've been my kiss |
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| © Copyright 2006 luc - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Synthetic, I’m not really sure why I looked at this again. I guess I didn't feel it was so bad that it deserves to get buried by more banal offerings. First of all, the imagery is not quite as simplistic as one might think, (as I did), upon first reading this—it’s not bad. I’d rather see you put this in a different format with longer lines so that the rhymes you have, fall somewhat randomly. As you have them now, they are forced anyway. Of course, you’ll then have to take it to the next level, syntactically. For your poem is a good example of why it is important when writing, to use clear punctuation—it can only help. Also: Don’t make up words, or abbreviate words in poetry—use ‘frustrated,’ please. Don’t bother rhyming ‘love’, there are very few words that work, and they’ve all been done a gazillion times, to the quadzillionth power. Eliminate that line altogether. Changing 'it', to 'you' in the last line of this stanza would create a bit of a play on words, but it's only a suggestion. As for the second stanza: Down through the 7th line the premise is adequate. But the rhymes, ‘resting breast’ and ‘chest’? If no one else will say it, I will: They are crap. ‘Lips’ and ‘kiss’ is not much better. Line 7 would be a good way to end. Personally, I detest having my work rewritten by critics, so I will rarely rewrite anyone else’s’, unless I feel it will clarify my points. So, I’ll leave but a sample of what I’m trying to say. Hopefully it will make my criticism more clear. You need to finish it your way though, so that the poem has your heart. ash to ash dust to dust you're my past, i'm frustrated; hated by you i've lost love given to you i'm a liar, don't take my word for i spit fire—I’ll leave you hurt chastize me for anothers transgressions burn me--another lesson we learn, i yearn, you burn and you won't let me put you out i'm done telling you my love ain't good i'll make my heart swallow you until you've stood down enough in the sun need somewhere to rest when you're too tired to run If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (06-11-2006 12:48 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think this needs more care about the basic need of good grammar and punctuation in language. Let your sentences encompass more than just one or two shortest lines at a time. And draw the reader by carefully dealing with a given point, rather than trying to make another point right away. In my opinion, it is worth little to just express an attitude. Anyone can do that. But poetry needs structure and grace. Work on meeting the basic needs and practicle parts of speech first. Once you have that foundation, the luxuries of rhyme and special expression shall be afforded much better. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I agree with the other post. just a few things. I think one should alway capitalize I. With that said on to something elts. Pucuation in poetry is not always nessasarry neather is rhyme. Try to stay away from the cliché ash to ash dust to dust. you're my past my frustratiion i've lost it but i'm a liar don't take my word take my hurt chastize me burn me is this another lesson we learn i yearn to know why you burn why you won't let me put it out i'm done telling you is my love not good my heart could swallow you you've stood down enough in the sun needing somewhere to rest when you're too tired to run i'll be there you'll hear it in my chest not from my lips i'll be your best you will alway remember my kiss thanks for posting rick |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: However, proper spelling always is. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Punctuation is help to do better. If you don't help your writing it shall be worse. Seldom are the poems that show the care to have punctuation the ones with the harshest problems. But it is those that don't have punctuation that are often most in distress. One recklessness often leads to another. |
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