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Critical Analysis #2
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A Breoken Flower
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Breoken Flower |
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Brokenflower New Member
since 2006-04-02
Posts 5 |
A broken flower My heart, Like a petal on a delicate poppy Before you My Strength, Like the sturdy stem on a sunflower Until I met you My Trust, As honest as the smell of a Rose Till you sprayed your poison My Smile, Beaming like the sun on the heather Till your rain Me A broken flower For you |
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| © Copyright 2006 Brokenflower - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi and welcome to CA. I don't usually critique much on a first post but I'll offer a little here. This is all JMHO, of course. First, I would like to see sentences instead of the stubs. I think it can be done here without damaging the freshness of the write. Simply change the similes to metaphors. I don't like to do a rewrite but in this case it is just much easier to show rather than explain. So, My heart, was a petal on a delicate poppy before you. My Strength, was the sturdy stem on a sunflower until I met you. My Trust, was the honest smell of a Rose 'till you sprayed your poison. My Smile, was the beaming sun on the heather 'till your rain. I am a broken flower for you. Of course, you may not like it this way and that's all right. It is you poem, after all. Thanks, Pete |
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Brokenflower New Member
since 2006-04-02
Posts 5 |
Thank you. Your comments are both appreciated and noted. I agree entirely. |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I will thank you too Pete, I learn in here that is for sure. This does read way better when done metaphorically.  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Welcome I like this. Pete's suggestions greatly help. Additionally, perhaps the metaphor may become stronger if it wasn't changed to parts of different flowers for each feature/quality. I think it may become more coherent keeping one flower in mind. In stanza four it leaves the theme of a flower a bit and the metaphor becomes the sun. Poetic indeed, but I thought it weakened the metaphor a bit. Some poets think that specification is always better. But I think generalization may have more virtue in certain expressions. For example, My heart, was a petal Before you. My Strength, was a sturdy stem Until I met you. My Trust, was the smell of a Rose until you sprayed your poison My Smile, was beaming sun until your rain I was a broken flower For you I think referring to the general aspects keeps it more on focus with simply the idea of flower, instead of limiting that idea or confusing it to different types of flowers. I hope that makes sense. Enjoyed. |
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Brokenflower New Member
since 2006-04-02
Posts 5 |
Thank you again. To be honest, am an entire novice, and have taken to writing (or attempting to!)purely for theraputic reasons. I am very grateful for all your guidance, I find it amazing how a few simple tweeks here and there can transform and/or deepen the meaning without changing the concept. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Writing can indeed be amazing therapy Keep at it. |
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