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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Outside the Box |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Outside the Box Move you magical fingers. Write us something mystical. Something with damsels and knights. Open our eyes, Let us leer into the dragon’s lair Where there’s. . .pools of fire. Off to one corner Lays two skeletons. One has on a skirt, And the other one wares a metal helmet. Stop magical fingers. I said tell us of Damsels and knights; Not just one damsel and one knight! Move you magical fingers. Write us something mystical . . . Something with damsels and knights. Open our eyes! Let us leer into the dragon’s lair. Where there’s. . .pools of fire! Off in the other corner There’s a large pile of helmets And another pile of skirts Stop magical fingers Tell us about the bones! Move you magical fingers Tell us about the bones! Where do they lay? Tell us about the pile of small boxes Tell us what lays inside each . . .little box Are only bony toothpicks The dragon is long and forgotten! Hannibal! Lector! Moved in! Stop magical fingers. I’m putting you back in your box. I got to fill another order for bony toothpicks. K-mart just called. You out there who the magical fingers Opened your eyes Don’t buy the Wooden . . .Ones Buy Hannibal brand! With all the marrow sucked out. © 2005 by Merlyn Hearn |
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| © Copyright 2006 merlynh - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Undaunted Junior Member
since 2006-03-31
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
Hi Merlynh, In reading this, I fell in love with the sing song way it flowed through. And it pretty much struck me as a satire almost, if that is what you intended. If so, nice job. Although I have a few qualms. Outside the Box Move you magical fingers. Write us something mystical. Something with damsels and knights. (Stars off nicely.) Open our eyes, Let us leer into the dragon’s lair Where there’s. . .pools of fire.(ok, lose the elipses, not only are they misplaced but they take away from the flow. Otherwise, very nice.) Off to one corner Lays two skeletons.(Lays doesn't sound right, I could be wrong but maybe just lay?) One has on a skirt,( no comma needed here) And the other one wares a metal helmet. (did you mean wears?) Stop magical fingers. I said tell us of Damsels and knights;(I like how you communicate with the fingers here as if between a storyteller and listener.) Not just one damsel and one knight!(although the listener seems to be a little impatient here, but that's personal.) Move you magical fingers. Write us something mystical . . . Something with damsels and knights.(ordinarily I would say you don't need to repeat this part, but I see how it is necessary here for the structure of the poem/song-which is a good idea.) Open our eyes! Let us leer into the dragon’s lair. Where there’s. . .pools of fire! Off in the other corner There’s a large pile of helmets And another pile of skirts Stop magical fingers Tell us about the bones! Move you magical fingers Tell us about the bones! Where do they lay?(I like how you build interest here.) Tell us about the pile of small boxes Tell us what lays inside each . . .little box-(again the elipses) Are only bony toothpicks (I don't think you need "are", didn't read right.) The dragon is long and forgotten!(Just long forgotten works fine) Hannibal! Lector! Moved in!(why the exclamation mark after each word? Just one at the end would be fine. The reading is choppy with all of them.) Stop magical fingers. I’m putting you back in your box.(like the sarcasm) I got to fill another order for bony toothpicks. K-mart just called.(gets nonsensical here, but I'm gathering that's what you want and it works good.) You out there who the magical fingers Opened your eyes (the structure of this sentence just isn't right. I would reword it.) Don’t buy the Wooden . . .Ones Buy Hannibal brand!(the elipses destroy the flow and are again not needed. I like the advertising effect here, although even though this is supposed to be comical, I have to wonder how Hannibal suddenly enters the scene.) With all the marrow sucked out. (Clever, nice ending reffering to Hannibal.) This is for the most part done effectively. You got the meter down, the format is consistent, but the subject matter isn't. I would incorporate Hannibal Lector into this more (maybe from the beginning even if in a subtle way) so that the reader isn't confused toward the end (although it could just be me). Overall, very nice though. I like the originality and had fun reading this. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Undaunted I appreciate the honest advice. Since I’ve been around here awhile? I must say this is one of the most intelligent replies I’ve had so far. I realize the hard part to realize it that Hannibal is one who’s using the fingers that came out of the box. That’s the ironic part of it; the satire you picked up on. A little confusion makes the reader figure it out. I guess that is what I was hoping to happen. Thanks for the reply |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Were the grammatical errors intentional? |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
“Were the grammatical errors intentional?” Hush I had to look back and study the piece to get a clear view as to ask that question. I used the word “ask” as a reply other then “answer” as to impose a question to the question. I have enough sense not to impose my opinions on others and let someone who is recognized as having some wisdom. Did you know Thoreau said in his journal Jan. 2, 1859, fifth paragraph? “ When I hear the hypercritical quarreling about grammar and style, the position of the particles, etc., etc., stretching or contracting every speaker to certain rules, -- Mr. Webster, perhaps, not having spoken according to Mr. Kirkham’s rule, --I see they forget that the first requisite and rule is that expression shall be vital and natural, as much as the voice of a brute, or an interjection; first of all mother tongue; and last of all, artificial or father tongue. Essentially, your truest poetic sentence is as free and lawless as a lamb’s bleat. The grammarian is often one who can neither cry nor laugh, yet thinks he can express human emotions. So the posture-masters tell you shall walk, turning your toes out excessively, perhaps; but so the beautiful walkers are not made . . . Now to the answer. Reading over it I can see, “ware” is correct. ware 1 ( wâr) n. 1. Articles of the same general kind, made of a specified material or used in a specific application. Often used in combination: earthenware, silverware; hardware, software”—The Amercian Heritage dictionary. The elipses as Undaunted referred to is spelled with two l’s, where intentional. I’d rather believe as Plato did and admit: I don’t know anything at all; truthfully I feel better off. Tell me Hush? Do you why some authors refer to themselves as, “a writer in the mist?” A greater truth to what we are doing lies in the mist where questions are the answers. I realize my response is complex. But I feel you really asked an intelligent question and I should give it the best intelligent response I am able to give. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is cute. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Thank you for giving a comment toward the work as a whole. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, the move to an advertising slogan strikes me as postmodernish -- something we don't have enough of around here. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Marlyn- Greetings from the Pacific Northwest. I comment to you from a slightly more southern PNW; down 395 in the Tri-Cities. I hope all is well and you dodge the snow in the forecast. To comment: S10 through the end of the piece, for me, is funny, punchy, and sarcastic. I really enjoy the voice. I also appreciate the character vs narrator. (give me this here - no wait I need this over here, and so on.) Before that, however, it seems like there are places where you zigged when you should have zagged; meaning you left out when you should have added and vice versa. Example quote: Numbering reflects example: S1 L2: if we need our eyes opened are we going to leer into the dragons lair? Or will we peer or look or gaze? In this S1 L3 why the elipse? S2 L1 Lie would be correct S2 L2 do we need the preposition "on?" S2 L3 do we need "one?" Further, when the main character takes over the conversation later in the piece, would it help to change the format and include fewer breaks in the strophes? Many thoughts, overall very enjoyable, right down my alley. CS |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
The things we wish to conquer are usually that which is outside of ourselves. That is why I came up with the title, “Outside of the Box.” I had give up on this piece long ago. But sense it seems to be an interest to others I’ll have to take the time to rewrite. Thanks for your comments |
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