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Critical Analysis #2
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AS YOU LAY SLEEPING...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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AS YOU LAY SLEEPING... |
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MUSEconnieSEconnie Member
since 2006-02-28
Posts 74california |
AS YOU LAY SLEEPING ********************************  YOU ONLY LOVE ME WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING OUR DAY BEGINS PROGRESSING SLOWLY AFTER TWO PAIR OF BROWN EYES OPEN BY EARLY AFTERNOON WE CLEARLY SEE EACH OTHER’S FAULTS AND NOTE THEM WHILE SHOOTING LASER LOOKS INTO THE SPACES BETWEEN US BY EVENING SARCASTIC WORDS ARE SPOKEN ANGRY RETORTS RESPOND IN KIND WHEN THE DEAD OF NIGHT HAS ARRIVED WE GO TO BED AT DIFFERENT TIMES APPEARING NOT TO HAVE ANY NEED OF THE OTHER’S COMPANY ONCE YOU ARE SNORING I CRAWL IN CAREFULLY KEEPING A DISTANCE FROM YOUR BACK WHICH IS TURNED TO ME I GET SETTLED IN AND TRY TO LOSE THE DAY MOMENTS LATER YOU MUMBLE MY NAME IN YOUR SLEEP AND TURN TO ME THROWING YOUR ARM OVER ME PROTECTIVELY AND SNUGGLING INTO MY BARE BACK WITH YOUR WARM CHEST “I LOVE YOU BABE” IT IS SAID AS A RELAXED SIGH FROM DEEP SLUMBER AS YOU HOLD ME I BEGIN TO LET THE TEARS FALL YOU WON’T REMEMBER IT AT ALL TOMORROW EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU NEVER DO IT WILL BE AS IF IT NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU ONLY LOVE ME WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING [This message has been edited by MUSEconnieSEconnie (03-20-2006 02:42 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 CONNIE HUGHES - All Rights Reserved | |||
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I am not good at critiquing ...that said I could feel the sadness and can even sympathize with the feelings behind the poem. You did a good job conveying it. M |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I'm not very good at critiquing either, but i'd just like to say how much i like this poem. I love the emotions that are put into the whole thing! It is slightly bitter sweet... Keep posting,I hope to see more of your poems! @-->--- |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
I feel the sadness, the heartbreak. I think it's well written. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I LOVED THE RAW EMOTION IN THIS POEM...I TOO COULD FEEL THE SADNESS AND HEARTBREAK. WELL DONE, KRIS "It is wisdom to know others; |
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talesien Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
I DON'T KNOW IF I AM A GOOD CRITIC, BUT I WILL GIVE IT A GO. AS HAS BEEN STATED, YOU CONVEY SOME VERY RAW EMOTION IN THIS POEM. A FEW THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO GIVE A WHIRL. FIRST, LOSE THE OPENING TWO LINES. THEY TAKE ME TO THE TIME OF SLEEPING RIGHT AWAY, WHICH IS FINE, BUT IT ISN'T WHERE YOU TAKE THE POEM. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I MIGHT CONSIDER MAKING THOSE LINES THE TITLE, AND REMOVING THEM FROM THE BODY OF THE POEM ALL TOGETHER. THE OTHER REASON FOR THIS IS JUST FROM A PERSPECTIVE STANDPOINT. YOU BEGIN THE POEM MAKING THIS ABOUT YOUR MATE. HOWEVER, YOU THEN TAKE UP THE REST OF THE POEM WITH 'WE' AND 'OUR' STATEMENTS. THIS IS CONFUSING TO A READER. IS THE POEM ABOUT YOUR MATE, OR ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU? I'D ALSO RECOMMEND A HARD LOOK AT YOUR LINE BREAKS, ESPECIALLY 7,9 AND 13. THESE LINES STICK OUT LIKE SORE THUMBS, AND THEY DO NOT CONVEY ENOUGH IMAGE OR EMOTION ON THEIR OWN TO STAND ALONE. HOPE THIS HELPS! GARY |
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland |
THE EMOTION IS CLEARLY FELT IN THIS POEM, BUT PERHAPS IF YOU USED MORE ADJECTIVES AND METAPHORS IT WOULD GIVE IT A MORE FLOWING READ. STILL, WELL DONE! XXXX |
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MUSEconnieSEconnie Member
since 2006-02-28
Posts 74california |
THIS WRITE IS WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF A 'CIRCLE POEM' WHICH IS WHY IT STARTS AND ENDS WITH THE SAME TWO SENTENCES. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE. I WILL TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION. HUGGGGGS CONNIE I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS. MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES |
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kjmdrumz3 New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 6Maryland |
I have a love hate relationship with this poem. I love it because it feels so alive and real. I hate it because other than the 2 pair of brown eyes part, it feels like the relationship I just got out of. See my post for that rollercoaster  Beautiful work. I can't wait for more from you! |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I AGREE WITH PLAYING WITH CRAYONS. THE FLOW IS QUITE BEAUTIFULLY FITTING, MELANCHOLY, YET I WAS LEFT WANTING MORE POETICISM. I REALLY LIKED THE IDEA OF LASER-LOOKS-INTO-SPACE, NOT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT EXPANDED. THAT SAID, I FELT THE HEAVY-CHESTED EMOTION FROM THIS, SO YOU'VE GOT THE ATMOSPHERE SPOT ON. THANKS FOR THE READ. |
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Khatharsis Junior Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 42 |
like others have said i would have liked to see more aliteration maybe some metaphores or similies. The emotiona d imagry was caught dead on and could sense the tension and heartache. That you did a fantastic job at. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This piece seems to be a list of events that keep the reader moving from one stanza to the next, and in my mind there was a crecendo and decrecendo as I read towards the climax of the piece. Very cool. CS An artist's job is not to commentate the truth. |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
i must say that i usually don't find myself enthusiastically wanting more after reading poetry, however; your words are very well placed and depict a long tale in only a short time. i find that from a reader's point, the line structure is more than perfect because you lose yourself in the message, regardless of any possible flaws. however, from a writer's point of view there are a few bad breaks. the poem still remains a wonderful piece in my eyes. ps. at the end of the day, poetry is too personal to be judged according to grammar rules, line breaks or anything else. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
HI: THE EMOTION IN YOUR POEM IS FELT WHEN READING IT. I LIKE THE REPEAT OF THE LINE. YET I REALLY THINK THIS POEM IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LOVE FOR THIS PERSON. CHANCE THE TITLE TO REFLECT YOUR FEELINGS. AS FAR AS THE LINE BREAKS GO THERE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE ANY REAL REASON FOR THEM. BUT THE POEM DOES WORK AS IT IS THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT RICK |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
VERY WONDERFUL.. I FELT ALL THE EMOTION IN THIS. IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES. GREAT JOB.. I LOVE YOUR POETRY.. ~HEATHER PS-GOING IN MY LIBRARY! Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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