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MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

0 posted 2006-03-18 08:34 AM

AS YOU LAY SLEEPING
********************************

YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING

OUR DAY BEGINS
PROGRESSING SLOWLY
AFTER TWO PAIR
OF BROWN EYES OPEN

BY EARLY AFTERNOON
WE CLEARLY SEE
EACH OTHER’S FAULTS
AND NOTE THEM
WHILE SHOOTING
LASER LOOKS
INTO THE SPACES
BETWEEN US

BY EVENING
SARCASTIC WORDS
ARE SPOKEN
ANGRY RETORTS
RESPOND IN KIND

WHEN THE DEAD
OF NIGHT HAS ARRIVED
WE GO TO BED
AT DIFFERENT TIMES
APPEARING
NOT TO HAVE ANY NEED
OF THE OTHER’S COMPANY

ONCE YOU ARE SNORING
I CRAWL IN CAREFULLY
KEEPING A DISTANCE
FROM YOUR BACK
WHICH IS TURNED TO ME

I GET SETTLED IN
AND TRY TO LOSE THE DAY

MOMENTS LATER
YOU MUMBLE MY NAME
IN YOUR SLEEP
AND TURN TO ME
THROWING YOUR ARM
OVER ME PROTECTIVELY
AND SNUGGLING
INTO MY BARE BACK
WITH YOUR WARM CHEST

“I LOVE YOU BABE”

IT IS SAID AS
A RELAXED SIGH
FROM DEEP SLUMBER

AS YOU HOLD ME
I BEGIN TO LET
THE TEARS FALL

YOU WON’T REMEMBER
IT AT ALL TOMORROW
EVEN AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS

YOU NEVER DO

IT WILL BE AS IF
IT NEVER HAPPENED
BECAUSE

YOU ONLY LOVE ME
WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING

[This message has been edited by MUSEconnieSEconnie (03-20-2006 02:42 AM).]

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

1 posted 2006-03-18 04:47 PM

I am not good at critiquing ...that said

I could feel the sadness and can even sympathize with the feelings behind the poem. You did a good job conveying it.

M

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-03-18 06:44 PM

I'm not very good at critiquing either, but i'd just like to say how much i like this poem. I love the emotions that are put into the whole thing! It is slightly bitter sweet...

Keep posting,I hope to see more of your poems!

@-->---

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

3 posted 2006-03-19 11:45 PM

I feel the sadness, the heartbreak. I think it's well written.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2006-03-20 08:24 PM

I LOVED THE RAW EMOTION IN THIS POEM...I TOO COULD FEEL THE SADNESS AND HEARTBREAK.

WELL DONE,
KRIS

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

talesien
Junior Member

since 2006-03-13

Posts 10
Ohio, USA

5 posted 2006-03-20 11:35 PM

I DON'T KNOW IF I AM A GOOD CRITIC, BUT I WILL GIVE IT A GO.

AS HAS BEEN STATED, YOU CONVEY SOME VERY RAW EMOTION IN THIS POEM. A FEW THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO GIVE A WHIRL.

FIRST, LOSE THE OPENING TWO LINES. THEY TAKE ME TO THE TIME OF SLEEPING RIGHT AWAY, WHICH IS FINE, BUT IT ISN'T WHERE YOU TAKE THE POEM. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I MIGHT CONSIDER MAKING THOSE LINES THE TITLE, AND REMOVING THEM FROM THE BODY OF THE POEM ALL TOGETHER. THE OTHER REASON FOR THIS IS JUST FROM A PERSPECTIVE STANDPOINT. YOU BEGIN THE POEM MAKING THIS ABOUT YOUR MATE. HOWEVER, YOU THEN TAKE UP THE REST OF THE POEM WITH 'WE' AND 'OUR' STATEMENTS. THIS IS CONFUSING TO A READER. IS THE POEM ABOUT YOUR MATE, OR ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU?

I'D ALSO RECOMMEND A HARD LOOK AT YOUR LINE BREAKS, ESPECIALLY 7,9 AND 13. THESE LINES STICK OUT LIKE SORE THUMBS, AND THEY DO NOT CONVEY ENOUGH IMAGE OR EMOTION ON THEIR OWN TO STAND ALONE.

HOPE THIS HELPS!

GARY

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

6 posted 2006-03-21 05:55 AM

THE EMOTION IS CLEARLY FELT IN THIS POEM, BUT PERHAPS IF YOU USED MORE ADJECTIVES AND METAPHORS IT WOULD GIVE IT A MORE FLOWING READ.

STILL, WELL DONE!

XXXX

MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member

since 2006-02-28

Posts 74
california

7 posted 2006-03-21 05:38 PM

THIS WRITE IS WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF A 'CIRCLE POEM' WHICH IS WHY IT STARTS AND ENDS WITH THE SAME TWO SENTENCES.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE. I WILL TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION.
HUGGGGGS
CONNIE

I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS. MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES

kjmdrumz3
New Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 6
Maryland

8 posted 2006-06-06 04:49 AM

I have a love hate relationship with this poem. I love it because it feels so alive and real. I hate it because other than the 2 pair of brown eyes part, it feels like the relationship I just got out of. See my post for that rollercoaster

Beautiful work. I can't wait for more from you!

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

9 posted 2006-06-08 12:31 PM

I AGREE WITH PLAYING WITH CRAYONS. THE FLOW IS QUITE BEAUTIFULLY FITTING, MELANCHOLY, YET I WAS LEFT WANTING MORE POETICISM. I REALLY LIKED THE IDEA OF LASER-LOOKS-INTO-SPACE, NOT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT EXPANDED.

THAT SAID, I FELT THE HEAVY-CHESTED EMOTION FROM THIS, SO YOU'VE GOT THE ATMOSPHERE SPOT ON.

THANKS FOR THE READ.

Khatharsis
Junior Member

since 2006-05-21

Posts 42

10 posted 2006-06-09 01:14 AM

like others have said i would have liked to see more aliteration maybe some metaphores or similies. The emotiona d imagry was caught dead on and could sense the tension and heartache. That you did a fantastic job at.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

11 posted 2006-06-10 02:27 PM

This piece seems to be a list of events that keep the reader moving from one stanza to the next, and in my mind there was a crecendo and decrecendo as I read towards the climax of the piece. Very cool.

CS

An artist's job is not to commentate the truth.
An artist's job is to create it.
-Dane Barner

synthetic
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 70
ontario, canada

12 posted 2006-06-10 02:30 PM

i must say that i usually don't find myself enthusiastically wanting more after reading poetry, however; your words are very well placed and depict a long tale in only a short time. i find that from a reader's point, the line structure is more than perfect because you lose yourself in the message, regardless of any possible flaws. however, from a writer's point of view there are a few bad breaks. the poem still remains a wonderful piece in my eyes.

ps. at the end of the day, poetry is too personal to be judged according to grammar rules, line breaks or anything else.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

13 posted 2006-06-12 11:01 PM

HI:

THE EMOTION IN YOUR POEM IS FELT WHEN READING IT. I LIKE THE REPEAT OF THE LINE. YET I REALLY THINK THIS POEM IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LOVE FOR THIS PERSON. CHANCE THE TITLE TO REFLECT YOUR FEELINGS.

AS FAR AS THE LINE BREAKS GO THERE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE ANY REAL REASON FOR THEM. BUT THE POEM DOES WORK AS IT IS

THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT

RICK

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

14 posted 2006-07-04 03:49 PM

VERY WONDERFUL.. I FELT ALL THE EMOTION IN THIS. IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES. GREAT JOB.. I LOVE YOUR POETRY..

~HEATHER

PS-GOING IN MY LIBRARY!

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

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