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Critical Analysis #2
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MidSummerRain Interesting Phrase Challenge (repost)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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MidSummerRain Interesting Phrase Challenge (repost) |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
wondered what people thought... Steal my Tounge and to the one, with emerald eyes... come feel for fun... and with your lips, steal my tounge. and a sweet existance, that i never break from... steal my breath, until you are done... and with your lips... steal my tounge. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Permiabilities - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I like this one alot. Very playful. Great read. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
NIce little poem ya got there, very sweet and sexy. Only suggestion I have is the meter in the second stanza seems off and muddles the flow a bit. Thanks for the good read, Trevor |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
thank you 2 for your responses...i did notice the meter in the 2nd stanza. what if it was all one and wasnt broken up into stanzas? would that flow a little better than having the stanzas broken up? let me know people....  |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Perm, I don't think it would change much if you coupled the two stanzas, I think that some line lengths are off, for example, "and to/ the one, with eme/rald eyes... come feel/ for fun... and with/ your lips, steal/ my tounge." Pretty steady meter and length in the first stanza. I won't attempt to show the stresses, don't want to bore you or embarass myself. I'll attempt to illustrate the stresses in the next stanza, so don't laugh Anyone feel free to correct my illustrations....please, somebody, anybody, help...mommy.and a/ SWeeT /EXiSTance, THat /i never/ BReak FRom... STeal/ my breaTH, unTIL/ You ARE/ Done... and wiTH/ your Lips... STeal/ my TounGE. Well that's my interpretaion of a line being broken down, don't know how accurate it is, been awhile since I attempted it. Here's my suggestion for shortening some lines, "a sweet existance, to not break from... steal my breath, until done... and with your lips... steal my tounge." Just a suggestion. Also forgot to mention that I don't think the "..."'s really add to the poem, in fact it might slow the reader down much in the same way if they were commas. Personally I wouldn't punctuate any of this poem except for periods at the end of each stanza...again this is just my humble opinion. Thanks again for the read, Trevor |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
ok so i did a couple of minor adjustments. i shortened some of the lines and i got rid of a line in the second stanza for structure purposes. i might need some help with where to put commas and "..." in order to make it flow better. Steal my Tounge and to the one with emerald eyes... come feel for fun... and with your lips, steal my tounge. a sweet existance, i never break from... steal my breath, when you're done, steal my tounge. |
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